Is It Possible To Dissociation Unnoticeably?

[EmmaOwl]

I have something else to add to this... This stirs up a bad therapy memory for me...
I forgot till just now (ha, maybe forgot due to dissociating??) When I was a teenager I had the OPPOSITE happen to me - I had a therapist who used to criticize me for dissociating... I'd sort of trail off and stare out the window and she told me that I was an uncooperative patient. She tried to "ground" me in misinformed ways, and when her ways didn't work, again, she criticized me. She also had me read a book that made me doubt my memories rather than help me believe them.
This was one of my very first therapy experiences when I was maybe 16, tops. At that time, I believe that the only other place I noticeably disconnected was alone in my room, door shut and a room set aside from the rest of the house. When therapy required to speak of upsetting things, well, it was brand new and I could not help but disconnect, and in this case, it *was* noticeable....
So.... either way has the potential for difficulties - to noticeable, not noticeable enough, so difficult to navigate.
My case turned out to be a bad therapist; I hope it hasn't turned out that way for you.

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks for all the insights.

At my last session she did check in to see if I was present when I was beginning to drift so she is getting to know what's normal for me, only way she can probably really do this is having me give feedback as well.

 

[Megyn]

Thanks for all the insights.

At my last session she did check in to see if I was present when I was beg...

I think she needs your feedback too, like you say. I think another reason any therapist might ask for feedback in this type of situation is so the T knows if WE are cognitive of our own dissociating... just a thought :)

 

[GWhizz]

I think she needs your feedback too, like you say. I think another reason any therapist might ask for fee...

Yes I'm generally not aware until after I come back to the present. I can then usually identify what happened just before which is helpful. I just don't seem to be able to notice it as it happens otherwise I'd try to implement some strategies I've been taught to help redirect myself before I slip away. Of course there are different levels and sometimes I'm just a bit zoned out, others I completely lose time and am unable to recollect anything. This is what's scary, I don't know if I did or said anything stupid. Also I lost a lot of time during trauma doing this, along with derealisation and depersonalisation. It's frustrating not having the full facts and feeling like you're copping out all over again though I know that isn't nor was it ever the case.

 

[Dissociated1]

Absolutely. Dissociation is such a highly successful coping mechanism because it protects without the perpetrator being aware of what is happening.

 

[Megyn]

Yes I'm generally not aware until after I come back to the present. I can then usually identify what hap...

If you mean from your childhood, I agree, it IS frustrating not having all the facts. What's even more pathetic is trying to get feedback, validation, elaboration from my mother. I remember FACTS from 5, 6, 7, 8 years old. I know part of it is sheer denial. For instance, my parents owned a bar/restaurant in the same small beach town we lived in. No less than 4 people died in 4 years under questionable (to me anyways) circumstances (god, I'm starting to go blank already, f*ck...) This one guy who worked at another bar/restaurant down the street was shot in the head in the parking lot of that bar. We all know this, my family, we've mentioned it in the past. I asked my mother recently about it (I've FINALLY started wondering about some questionable/shady events. For most of my life, I accepted weird stuff as just, this is my life, I know nothing else). My mom's first response was, I don't remember anyone by that name. I was like, WHAT?!? I was like, jesus christ, no WONDER I feel crazy half the time! A cpl days later we were talking and she said, oh, I remember so n' so now. I asked a cpl of questions, like, was anyone ever arrested, what was the story behind it. She said, your father never talked to me about it. I said, mom, you worked days in the bar, there must have been some murmurs, rumors and whatnot, it's a small town, I would think that would be a big deal, didn't the regulars talk about it in the morning? She said, no one ever discussed it around her. Personally I find that extremely difficult to believe. You get my point...

 

[Megyn]

Absolutely. Dissociation is such a highly successful coping mechanism because it protects without...

This is a perfect definition

 

[Ink]

If you mean from your childhood, I agree, it IS frustrating not having all the facts. What's even more pa...

Exactly. I have flashes and facts from my childhood, but that's it. It's like most of lower school is gone and then things kind of pick back up in middle school. The only thing I am really certain of is the school forced me into counseling or they were going to kick me out. Somewhere in lower school.

I have something else to add to this... This stirs up a bad therapy memory for me...
I forgot till jus...

And I went to that lady, and all I can remember is playing a game. I don't remember when I was allowed to stop going or what we talked about. I just remember having a very intense dislike of the sessions and a grudge against counseling after that. It makes me think something similar happened in these sessions. I sometimes think I would have felt capable of getting help for my trauma before now if I hadn't needed to get over that issue in order to get to a therapist.

So in a recent therapy session, we were onto a difficult subject. I did my best to avoid the topic, but...

I have a very bad habit of dissociating while having intense conversations with my partner. And I won't notice and she won't notice until 30 minutes into the conversation and I look up at her and say I have no idea what we are talking about. She's very understanding as a counselor herself--really the first person who diagnosed me and said it would be really beneficial to see a trauma therapist--but she also has a perfect memory. It's really disconcerting to hear her tell me what I said or have it brought up later on because that time is just a blank. I know we were talking. But that's it. Just that hazy recollection. The whole conversation gone. Usually it's only in situations like this I am unaware. I go to that unreal place a lot while working, especially while driving if I am not well enough engaged in an audiobook or music. But generally I get ahold of it quickly and can bring myself back. One of the managers at work knows and if I'm in the store, he can generally tell what's happening and help. As for my T, that relationship is rather new. I haven't dissociated in her presence--I can force myself to talk about everything, at least what I currently remember. I just generally have two or three days after seeing her where I have a lot of problems being present--where I'm just continually triggered because those thoughts just keep coming back. Especially if I'm working and can't take care of myself instead.

 

[GWhizz]

Absolutely. Dissociation is such a highly successful coping mechanism because it protects without...

Thank you for this. It really makes so much sense.

 

[GWhizz]

If you mean from your childhood, I agree, it IS frustrating not having all the facts. What's even more pa...

Yes I was referring to childhood experiences of taking a complete backseat in the carboot so to speak.

I wonder what it is about the age difference issues? I remember everything almost fully from age 10/11, I mean I still dissociated some but I knew the facts and watched more from a distance I suppose. But the very early stuff, 3-4, 5-6 etc is so sketchy. It's like a jigsaw with so many missing pieces.

My psychiatrist initially told me a lot of crap, ie I couldn't have PTSD from multiple traumas, I probably had bpd, and that therapy doesn't cause you to remember things. Whether veridical or not, I have begun to recall more facts that add up from my early childhood. Things I believe I was too young to remember and that dissociation was the only way I could cope at the time. As I got older it became less painful and I feel I learned to live with my punishments as I was so brainwashed that I was deserving and needed to feel it all. I know I'm getting a bit off topic here but the point is that I really now want to be as much in control as possible of what happens and have true memories that can't be questioned. Shit I've lost enough time already. I think I deserve to be present for parts of my life that are really important to me now; ie recovery and raising my 2 young boys.

 

[Enaila]

It all depends on how long I disassociate for if others notice. My T is quite astute and notices most if not all the times I disassociate. She generally doesn't address the times I return quickly, but if I am gone for a longer time, she will ask me questions about what happened before I disassociate or what my thoughts were, or she will describe back to me what she noticed.

 

[Megyn]

Yes I was referring to childhood experiences of taking a complete backseat in the carboot so to speak....

Maybe the abuse wasn't as prevalent after 10-11? Ie you didn't dissociate as much?

I want to be present now too. Well, most of me does. The little girl part of me doesn't want to. She fights it and fights it. But yes, I've lost so much of my "life" due to my childhood. Even when I was in my 20s and mostly blissfully unaware, I made so many bad decisions, did drugs, drank, slept around, the devasting panic attacks when I felt unsafe... I don't want this to control my life anymore. I feel like something is there tho, something really really important, just out of my line of sight. In fact, sometimes I get a glimpse of it, but it goes away too fast. There is something really bad that I need to exorcise, I feel, before I can completely move on. In the meantime, I'm trying my best to use the tools I've been taught to help me.

Ps I was misdiagnosed sooo many times (and over/under medicated as well) and BP (both Bipolar and Borderline) were things I've been wrongly diagnosed with.