Homophobia Due To Sexual-abuse

[Tovebu]

So, this is not me directly asking about something about myself, but rather asking because it's concerning another person

Let's say it like this. I know a person that really hates, gays, bisexuals and so on, but really is quite unsure why. To make it even wierder, I'm bisexual, and I somehow fit well with that person.

I just need thoughts on this topic and some other opinions, because at this point I'm pretty sure I cannot get any farther with ruminations, and it is somewhat bothering me.

I've been trying to show the person that not all such people are bad and so on. Starting with myself, but currently it's very slow going.

THe person is very closed about the whole topic. Some of the hate is rooted in sexual abuse that happened in a girls only school.

-OP

 

[Atul]

Id say that you are doing the right thing, education about the error in generalizing an entire group of people die to a single or mutiple events.

I had and somewhat still have the same issue with the Catholoc church.

 

[Uhewik]

die

Due*

Catholoc

Catholic*

 

[Beva]

So you're interested in this person and hoping to convert them? Sounds like a stroll through futility
Next! (As in keep looking)

 

[Ujuh]

Be you. Be kind.

Don't try to change them or psychoanalyze them. That's for a therapist to do.

Accept them for who they are (acceptance doesn't mean dying homophobia is ok but it means not trying to change a person) and set boundaries around inappropriate behavior.

They will either learn that not all lbgtq people, and not all humans, are abusers - and will hopefully learn most are not that way.

Or they won't.

Whatever the cause is - and causes of fears can be very complex deep things.

 

[Eragi]

*acceornace doesn't mean saying homophobia is ok

(Sorry for the typo)

 

[Ipadi]

I'm confused as to why ALL of the hate cannot be rooted in sexual abuse?

 

[Tule]

I think the reason you have given is a big reason why this fear developed.

It's a trauma association thing.

Some boys who are abused by girls grow up fearing women. Some girls abused by guys grow up fearing guys.

I was a used by someone with white hair. I now fear all people with white hair.

It doesn't make it ok, it's how trauma gets encoded in the brain. Now it's my job to undo the association and learn most people with white hair are great humans.

Why are you digging and ruminating on this to look for other explainations?

 

[Upufol]

I'm quite proud of the fact that I don't harbour resentment against the church even though I was abused by a priest, but I can certainly understand why others do.

But if I did have a grudge against the church, and one of my friends decided to take it upon themselves to "educate" me about how most priests are good people...pfft! I think that would get a pretty cold shoulder.

Your friend has to heal in her own way, and in her own time. Maybe as part of that process, she puts the homophobia behind her. Maybe she doesn't. That's something she needs to decide for herself when she's ready (not when you're ready). I appreciate that this is coming from a good place, but steer clear of trying to "fix" people.

What you do with her homophobia is your decision. If ultimately you decide that it's not okay with you, that's your decision, and she'll need to deal with that.

In matters like these, I think that it's often best to simply look out for ourselves, and make sure that we're comfortable with our own behaviour and choices. Our friends are who they are. We can love 'em or leave, but I'm not a fan of going around fixing others' beliefs.

 

[Agat]

I'm quite proud of the fact that I don't harbour resentment against the church even though I was abused by a priest, bu...

Exactly.

Let your friend be.

You do not have a right to force her healing.

Actually that would be quite cruel of you.

In essence you're putting the idea that homophobia is bad and must be fixed above her own personal healing journey.

YES, homophobia IS wrong but when it's intermixed with trauma effects, the best thing to do is to just back off. You can do much more just by being your awesome self and showing her that gay people shouldn't be hated for their sexual orientation. If you try to force her to change, you'd just be giving her more reason to hate gay people.

 

[Tihemi]

It seems at times human nature has a tendency to judge all things atleast on an immediate level. From hair color, size, clothes,..looks...and the list goes on and as you can see is mostly a "surface" type judgment. Certainly isn't what I deem as being right but it happens. As far as the judgment mentioned here on sexuality that is a complex subject for some folks outside of the LGBTQ community. It seems to definitely be a more open topic in today's society than ever before which is awesome because that helps society become more knowledgable about a long overdue topic that is important. I think historically people have handled their thoughts as being fearful of something they know not much about. Maybe they know no one who is gay or transgender. Therefore they want nothing to do with further educating themselves on realizing we are ALL just people in the end. Not defined by a title or acronym. All men are Not bad because one man in our lives abused us. Same for women and same for the LGBTQ community. What happened to your friend is highly unfortunate at best and I am sorry to hear this. In my opinion the best thing you could consider in the future if you're ready and they know and trust you really well is let them know you are bisexual and maybe they then realize what I mentioned. We are all just people. With that we all have choices on who we are around or associate with. Hopefully all the good people don't have to be forever judged due to one persons poor choices that left deep scars.

 

[Labe]

In group therapy one guy said he was glad he was sexually abused by the same sex because it showed him his true nature. Everyone including the therapist nodded in agreement. I said that sounds like a justification of the abuse. From that point on all of them, including the therapist, looked down their noses at me as if I were homophobic. Truth is after sexual abuse feelings get very confusing. Buzz words like homophobic don't really apply, except on the shallow, observable level. Sometimes words like "gay" don't apply. Sometimes people are living over and over what they learned.

Trying to get someone to change their feelings may be triggering their trauma. Trying to get someone to change their sexual orientation can too.

Don't misunderstand the nature of the injury. Sexual abuse totally messes people up. It messed me up.

The guys in the therapy group weren't bad. They just wanted to feel better. That's what your friend wants too.