Sufferer CPTSD from childhood trauma and sexual abuse

[GubMoobEel]

I’m Lee. I’m new here. I’m 20 and I’m a female.

I love Minecraft, horror games, horror movies, metal music, motorcycles, and more. I run a relatively successful Minecraft server with over 60 members, which I’m really proud of.

For me I struggle to willingly share my interests (I know this is very contradictory, but anonymity makes me feel safe enough to talk about my interests) because as a kid anything I was interested in became something to be taken away and only used as a reward. Everything was taken away the second I didn’t do exactly what I was told perfectly. Made and makes me feel like everything I love or value isn’t mine, which gives me attachment issues. Not to mention, I was always teased by my family and peers for my interests, whether or not they were normal.

I struggle with seeking help or going to doctors because I grew up in a Louisiana family where you don’t get help unless you’re already dead. “Tough it out” “don't be a [word for wimp]” My uncle died recently and everyone was so sad, but if he had gone to the doctor he would still be alive. For DAYS he couldn’t move by himself or go to work. He should’ve gone to the doctor, but *that’s just not what we do*.

I also struggle with physical touch, but need it as well. My ex boyfriend sexually abused me for 7.5 months, which made me both hypersexual but uncomfortable with intimacy. Unfortunately I’ve turned to stuff like fanfiction and chatbots to occasionally remedy my needs for affection. Tried dating instead, but I’m not ready for that. Fiction is safe because no one can take away my control, irl someone could easily overpower my very short self.

I struggle with having control over my body. Take your Prazosin? No, I refuse to not be able to control my ability to wake up. I’m scared I won’t be able to escape the nightmare. I don’t want to not have control. This is only one example.

Unfortunately, my family doesn’t really understand the toll my mental health has on me and my ability to function. Luckily, I got a therapist, but I basically can’t go to the doctor for anything until it’s too late or too worsened because that’s “weak”. They think I’m lazy. I live alone in an apartment they bought so I can go to a good college. They keep dangling it over my head and threatening to sell it if I don’t do well in school.

There’s so much more, but this is all I can manage to type out right now.

 

[Roland]

Hi, welcome to the forum. It's so hard to control your life when your parents control you with money. You can go to the doctor without them knowing, but I suppose you're on their insurance. What are you studying in school? Do you have a solid career path after you graduate?

 

[Riley Jones]

Hi Lee,

Welcome to myptsd.com. I appreciate you sharing a part of your story with us. It takes courage to open up about your struggles, and I'm glad you've taken this step towards healing and support.

It sounds like you've been through a lot, and I'm truly sorry for the pain you've experienced. Nobody should have to go through what you've been through, and it's understandable that these experiences have left lasting scars on you. It's completely normal to feel conflicted about sharing your interests and seeking help after facing so much invalidation and trauma in your past.

I'm glad to hear that you have a therapist to talk to. Therapy can be a safe space to explore and work through these complex emotions and experiences. It's okay to take things at your own pace and prioritize your well-being.

Being part of this community can also provide you with a supportive environment where you can connect with others who understand what you're going through. There are specific forums on myptsd.com that focus on various topics related to PTSD and CPTSD, which you may find helpful to explore when you're ready.

Remember, you are not alone in this journey. It's important to prioritize your mental health and well-being, even if it means going against the beliefs or norms of your family. Your feelings are valid, and seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Take care of yourself, Lee. Reach out whenever you feel like sharing or need support. You deserve to heal and find peace.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum, hopefully the community here helps you find a more empowered you:)

 

[Friday]

Aloha!

 

[hypervigilant]

Welcome. I don't take any meds either as I hate the zoned out feeling and I too need to be in control of my own autonomy.
I resonate with the feeling that nothing is mine as anything I liked would be used as a punishment. I loved words as a kid so I wrote on every scrap of paper I could as books, notepads would be taken. I still love to scribble down the words that tumble through my head.
I hope you find solace here, I see you and you are not alone.

 

[mszl]

Hi. I'm sorry that you had to go through abuse and lack of understanding. I hope, that with time you'll find caring people irl. Take care of yourself and never dig directly under yourself.