When your abuser-parent is near the throws of death- there are so many ways to handle this situatio...
I was actually in your shoes a year ago.
My abuser has been my dad ... well actuall non biological but I didn't know that until later in life. I have 3 younger siblings who him and my mom had together. I have always been "the red headed stepchild" scape goat and punching bag. My mom died when my youngest daughter was only 9 'months 12 years ago. I wasn't sure how thing would go. Things didn't get better we actually wound up in physical fights, and I came to my right mind and didn't want my children seeing that. The abuser never ever acknowledged the beatings he handed me let alone the mental abuse, it was as if it never happened. He tried telling my kids that they didn't witness what they witnessed.
So I would stay away for long periods of time,I wouldn't say things got better but because I barely seen him ( -although I told my husband and kids this was between him and I and not them, my kids deserve to know their cousins and my husband and my abuser were close...( trust me it has been a rollercoaster in my marriage when the husband would turn a blind eye) it made things a little easier but major arguments would occasionally occur when my husband would spend the day getting shit faced with him.....
Any 3 years ago he was diagnosed with lung cancer at the time I was not employed. And THE GOLDEN CHILD" lived out of state and was a work aholic. My parents gave her everything, she got pregnant at a very young age and in their eyes she can do know wrong. They paid for her schooling car you name it and now she is decently wealthy like they pushed for her to be. My other sibling the "fleeing one" had 2 little one and one on the way, the wife thinks she is a real princess ( even when she isn't pregnant) and once of work he had to take car of the kids cook dinner and clean. My youngest sibling had 5 kids under 13 no working vehicle and didn't have time, So they decided I would be the one to take him to his treatments, -along with my husband agreeing with them. ..
I wasn't sure how this was going to go, I didn't like being around him, and I was deeply hurt that my mom passed before he did....I spoke to a therapist I started seeing when I stopped going to visit him and I felt something like you do.
“Why should I do this, I don't care". But the therapist said: in your heart to the best of your ability can I allow him to to pass knowing 100% I will not have self-
Guilt, self-
Shame, and then question yourself that you are everything and more he accused you of....
I decided that I am a good person, and regardless of what he has done and said to me this was my chance to prove I am better then him and everything I was told I am. I needed to prove that to myself... 5 Months everyday 5 days a week..I was belittled, talked down to, screamed at, compared to.....etc. it was messing with me. I was that scared little kid at times, then I felt guilty for wishing it would end because doing that in my eyes would mean he won...
Holidays came and we invited him to come over although he refused I still made plates and had my husband drop it to him... with in that week, I would get calls from his family and my siblings accusing me of be such a horrible person for not inviting him over and leaving him alone... I told them all that happens but no one would listen I was so pissed and humiliated again, my husband said let them think what they want we know the truth.... and that's when I unleashed my rage telling him how dare he, he knows the Truth yet he always backs away to help his wife or he takes their side, I don't know what it was that got to him but he finally told everybody what happened, the only way I was eased off the hook was my husbands word Not mine... they came up with an excuse that he only said that because of the medication....out of the 5 months 5 days a week I needed 1 day, my daughter (14)and I had a tournament out of town, so I asked if one of my siblings or his family can take him for one day.... MY GOD, I WAS A SELFISH NO GOOD PIECE OF...... Because I needed to take time for me....
I had some female problems and had tests done... a week after i finished taking him, I was told I need to see an oncologist and I honestly couldn't even begin to explain that time. My oldest children knew (they overheard me trying to tell my husband) I thought I could talk with the golden child because at one time we were close, but to hear I'm jumping the gun and did this for sympathy was just another jab and normalcy in my family.
Everything worked out it was non cancer but I was under for 10 hrs because there was some serious issue they had to take care of. I never once spoke to anyone of it.
Another holiday had come along and this time I decided I'd suck it up and bring the food to his place cook it and have my siblings and family there. The abuser was trying to pick a fight and I wasn't letting it get to me. I finished serving dinner to everyone and left the room to be by myself and out of the abusers eye. My husband came and said for me to come in the other room. I declined and told him if I did something bad is going to happen, this is a new form of taughting, he is wanting a fight... I was told I was crazy and reluctantly went back in the room...to say it was a fight or physical altercation is a total understatement, it was the end... he told me how he hated me, o was not his child and he never wants to see me again.told my husband he was crazy for staying married to such a......(to much) and he hoped he was getting a piece of ass from other places.... before I could react my husband for the first time in 20 years stood up to him and took my side.
I lost it... I have never spoke with so much hatred and venom along with many other things I said your dieing and my one wish is that just before you do, you see and remember all you have done and you sufferer, deny all you want but you and I know the truth and you will have to answer to god and he sees all..... and I left.
(Again my kids witnessed this) I was done with it all I didn't care...about 6 months had passed and through out that I'd get calls and texts, ( I had to block family) because I was being accused of not allowing my husband to see him, or holding his kids and divorce over him... my husband would get texts and calls as well telling him to "sneak" over there, that I wouldn't know, along with other insults on me... I begged him to go, I told them all again this is between him and I not any of you. My oldest daughters would go twice a week but my husband refused to...
Christmas came and it was a matter of days the doctors said he was at home and had his 3 children and their families.. my siblings thought they could guilt me, then they tried to be nice to get me over there. My daughters went but I chose not to and my husband refused to go, in the evening on Christmas my siblings decided to let the alcohol do the talking and cut me to shreds.
In January I was out of the state visiting and I got 15 calls that it was the end and he was asking for me... it was 10pm and I was in another state in a massive snow storm. I refused to say anything other then I'm 4 hrs away in a storm... I again was humiliated in front of the people I was staying with because of all the call and insults. I called my husband told him to go there because even though I appreciate him finally having my back after 20 years, I do not want him to have any regrets he wouldn't listen at first then I said go so I don't reget you not going.
He called me when he arrived and said it was the real thing and if I could get there I should but don't risk my life.... I thought about it all night, why should I go, he disowned me, he beat me, he made my entire life hell, why should I grant him with peace? I did leave early the next morning and fought myself on every emotion and every thought. My oldest daughter called me and said mom, I am so lucky to have you, what you went through growing up is horrible, you are my hero and I love you. You went through so much and yet you have always been there for us and I now understand why you always pushed us kids to be close and just how important our family is to you... No matter if you come to see him or not, you will always be my hero, thank you for teaching us and loving us....
To say those words hit me would be another understatement, i had no choice now, my children look up to me and I'm not going to let them down. I called my husband and told him I would be there sometime today, I just needed some time. When I arrived everyone and there brother were there waiting to see if I would show. I felt they needed popcorn and they would be able to enjoy the show. As I walked in the abusers room, I was wondering what he could possibly say, he looked at me and said. 2 words.... it was silent and he said then again then looked at me and do you understand ? I was in a daze, because it wasn't what I would of thought or anyone else I just nodded my head. He died the next day.
I never planned on going to the wake or funeral, but I did for my children. I refused to voice my opinion in anything about the wake or funeral and even though it killed me I was with my siblings throughout the whole process.
It's been a year and I can honestly say I have no regrets, because I was the better person, I can't say o forgive him, nor can I say I don't for somethings, but I can tell you this, seeing him like that, and him calling out for me for what I found out later was 3 days made me realize I have a chance to believe in myself because I am the better person, I am not what he tried to believe and make me believe I am.
At the time Showing up to the wake and funeral I felt all eyes on me, I knew the stories he told people, and it humiliated me. I felt the disgust and hatred when they would look at me....
But now I see it was the best thing, I'm still pretty screwed up but that was the start of my healing process, i had my closer, I can sleep at night with no regrets because in the end I did not become him. I did not become what he said I was.
My suggestion to you is simple.. Don't go see her because "It's the right thing to do"....Go see her, because as crazy as it sounds, to see her like this, to go to the wake and funeral is not about her in any way.... As like you my dad was dead on the holiday he disowned me but it's truly a closer to you. Seeing your abuser in this form( as awful as it sounds, lets the subconscious inner child/adolescent finally see this abuser, or possessed person a threat anymore it lets your subconscious feel at peace that person can not and dose not have the power over you... the wake and the funeral again subconsciously its closer...
Trust me If someone told me that, I'd think they were off there rocker and no way...,but I've spoke to a few people some who had no idea why they went or some gone for "not the right reasons or vengeance" and they all give the same sense that it was closer that led to their growing or moving on..... ones that went for vengeance or for "The right reason" are more messed up because it wasn't what they needed it to be, they went for something other then their closer and peace of mind.
