To Date Or Not To Date?

[Pixielicious]

I'd appreciate your advice please.
I was diagnosed with severe PTSD over a yr ago. I have been officially single for 15 months now.
I've had two short 'flings' this yr, one in the beginning of this yr, the second in the summer.
I dumped them both because I didn't feel 'the love' for lack of better words.
The second fling was horrendous, he made all my PTSD symptoms worse, so, I never want to see him again, but the first guy seemed, seems to understand me. I don't know. We have occasionally kept in contact since I dumped him.
He tells me that he's deeply in love with me etc and I feel confused every time he does.
He's a DVA, a domestic violence advocate, and works with the police. He's also ex military.
But, I am confused. For me to date anybody, I must feel, that I'm falling in love with said date. I don't feel in love with him and I can't open up to him. I talked to him about this last night on the phone (first call in over 5+ months) and he always says 'I understand, I'll always be here for you, and waiting for you'..(we've had this same convo over text many times ) . When he says things like that, it makes me feel guilty, because I know he loves me.... Meh... I've been thinking of cutting contact with him, because I don't want to hurt him... But if I do that it's going to hurt him too... I Just want the feeling of guilt to go away, because I'm not in love with him but neither do I want to hurt him, or lead him on... Help!!

 

[Casey_03]

How long did you know this guy before he professed his love?

 

[Cannottakethis]

If someone is triggering all of your PTSD symptoms, I'd say that's a giant red flag. If you don't feel like you're falling in love with him, to me, why keep moving forward. He says he's in love with you and "on paper" has a good background, but he's setting off warning bells.
Block his phone number and move on from this person you aren't falling for. You don't need to worry if you're hurting him. He will be fine.

You need to be worrying about yourself and how you are feeling.

If you're going to date, be selective. If someone gives you warning bells or red flags, don't go out with them again. I'm speaking from experience and not following this advice and ending up in some really bad situations.

 

[Pixielicious]

How long did you know this guy before he professed his love?

We dated for about 2-3 months, he told me on the 6th week. He's younger than me, I'm 47 and he's 43

 

[Casey_03]

Yeah, 6 weeks seems really soon, that's a big red flag. Also, my first thought when you mentioned that he's a domestic violence advocate was ... uh oh, is he preying on domestic violence victims? (I don't know if you are a dv victim, but if you are and that's how you met him ..... run as far as you can from him).

 

[Pixielicious]

If someone is triggering all of your PTSD symptoms, I'd say that's a giant red flag. If you don't feel l...

I think you misunderstood what I wrote, sorry, could be the way I've written it.

The first fling didn't make my PTSD worse, but the 2nd fling did. In fact, I've had to block the 2nd guy because he just wouldn't leave me alone. I threatened him with the police and it seems to have worked.

But yes, I agree with you. I wrote somewhere on this site that, the only good thing about PTSD is that my alarm bells ring if a guy reminds me of any way, of my evil exes....There's no way in hell I'd date a guy who made my condition worse.

 

[Cannottakethis]

Excellent point @Casey_03. He's in positions that would inspire people/women to trust him. Domestic Violence advocate and works with the police.

 

[Cannottakethis]

I think you misunderstood what I wrote, sorry, could be the way I've written it.

The first fling didn't make my PTSD worse, but the 2nd fling did. In fact, I've had to block the 2nd guy because he just wouldn't leave me alone. I threatened him with the police and it seems to have

That's how I read it. The second guy was triggering you.

A good date would be no triggers.

 

[Pixielicious]

Yeah, 6 weeks seems really soon, that's a big red flag. Also, my first thought when you mentioned that...

Yes to all your queries.
But I don't think he was preying. I initially met him on fb, when I had an account there, I met him on a dv support group page.
He lives across the other side of the UK. I've seen all his work papers, he's job id etc and he's worked as a dva for about 6 yrs.
He stayed single after I dumped him. And because he works with the police, I really don't believe he would be so stupid to prey on women and jeopardise his job.

 

[Pixielicious]

That's how I read it. The second guy was triggering you.

A good date would be no triggers.

My bad lol
I was thinking about the first fling when I read your comment. Sorry :)

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you should be focusing on healing and not on dating.

Also, predators don't care if they use their position to prey on women! The fact that he works with the police is immaterial. For all you know he uses his position to protect himself. Hell, even cops themselves have used their position to prey on women. It's not an isolated thing.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I know that, for me, I've chosen not to date right now. Every time I try to, my symptoms get worse - and it has nothing to do with the person. It has to do with my own tenuous relationship to myself and inability to care for my own needs, never mind others.

The whole "it's me, not you" line? For me, accurate. I can't date until I'm healthier, or the relationship just will be doomed from the start.