To Date Or Not To Date?

[Gs172003]

I agree with you, I really believe he genuinely loves me.
When I wrote 'I didn't feel the love' I...

It sounds to me like he's after the chase. I could be wrong but I used to know a guy like that. He'd want a woman something awful... Until she wanted him back

 

[Gs172003]

Did I say I was judging him just because of the job he does?

No.

I was pointing out that your...

There were five officers not far from here that lost their jobs for having relations with a minor.

 

[Gs172003]

Nawwww, the only feelings I do have for him, is a friendship type of feeling......But of course I am...

#1 the best relationships start out as friendships
#2 you have to get caught to get a record.

That said, he could be a great guy

 

[joeylittle]

When he says things like that, it makes me feel guilty, because I know he loves me..

From what you've said about this man, and how long you were dating...I don't think it's possible for him to be in love with you. Infatuated, in lust with, deeply attracted to....that all works. But you don't really know each other, do you?

I'm as hopeless romantic as they come, but I also believe that you can't really love someone until you know them. So, what he's in love with is the version of you that he knows...and that might even be more like, he's in love with who he thinks you are.

But that's not the same thing as loving a real person.

So, as flattering as it would be, I'd consider it more of a red flag, and not let the flattery manipulate me into feeling too guilty to turn him down.

Or, I'd see if dating again ignited something. But I wouldn't take it at face value that he knew me well enough to be in love with me.

 

[Friday]

My 2cents is to trust your gut; you feel friendship for this bloke? Honor that. You don't want to be in a romantic relationship with him. Not now. Maybe not ever. But I think staying in the now, rather than trying to scry the future is wise. In the future everything might change. Further onto learning to manage PTSD you may fall wildly in love with him, or he could irritate you so much your teeth itch. No way to know. What you know now, is you like him, but not more than that, and that's fair.

As far as making his decisions for him? Hard lesson learned... I reeeeeally try not to do that. If he's irritating you and you want him gone? Sure. Cut him off. But do it because it's what you need/want in your life, not because you've decided what's best for him. He gets to make that decision. Even if you don't agree with it, or understand it, it's his to make. Just like your decisions are yours to make.

If he is incapable of friendship? Only willing to date you, not be friends with you? (People do that, for real, if that sounds as crazy to you as it does to me.) Then your being honest about friendship only, means you're not stringing him along. He's making a choice to be there. And it's on him to decide if that's too hard for him. You. Do. Not. Owe. Him. Anything. For. His. Decisions. AKA No guilt. Your decisions, you. His decisions, him.

***

Jumping back a second on why trusting your gut? If you're guts wrong, that's useful information to have. And if it's right? Then ignoring it will equal mad regret. So this is one of those "One of us always tells the truth // And One of us always lies // but you can't ask both of us // you can only ask one of us!" Kinds of questions.
- If I can't trust my gut? I want to know that. So I can learn. Win.
- If I trust my gut and it's right? Win.
- If I don't trust my gut, but don't know that? Lose.
- If I don't trust my gut and I was right? Lose. Regret. I should have trusted myself.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

not let the flattery manipulate me into feeling too guilty to turn him down.

This. I think you should look at why you would feel guilty, OP..

 

[Pixielicious]

From what you've said about this man, and how long you were dating...I don't think it's possible for...

Yes, exactly. That's what I was thinking too.
He doesn't really know me. He's adamant that he does and I'm like wtf?
I feel guilty because I'm a softie. I Absolutely hate to hurt anyone, though I often, through my careless words have done exactly that.
But, I also feel scared.
My evil abusive ex stalked and harassed me online for months, all the time claiming he 'loved me'
I had to change all my emails, social networks etc etc and that's why I don't use FB anymore.
The guy we're chatting about has never done that so, I don't know why I'm even mentioning it tbh.

 

[Pixielicious]

My 2cents is to trust your gut; you feel friendship for this bloke? Honor that. You don't want to be in...

Thank you, excellent advice.
It does in fact 'irritate' me with his constant 'I love you, yada yada' too.
I mean, when a lady says no, she means no right?
Kind of like a puppy biting into the hem of my skirt and not letting go. But it's only a puppy trying to get my attention, so I don't want to kick it away and hurt it.
I trust my gut feelings about things, but nowadays I have difficulties in separating my instincts from PTSD feelings, and I think that's why I'm so confused about all of this.

 

[Pixielicious]

This. I think you should look at why you would feel guilty, OP..

I have been very gullible in my past, so much so, that it nearly got me killed.
I've never understood why some people lie to manipulate another person just so they can have them.
I tend to take people at their word, for example, if they say they like the colour pink, it's because they like the colour pink.
But I've now learned, that if someone says they like the colour pink, it could also mean that they're only saying they like the colour pink, because they know that I like the colour pink. (manipulation) And are just trying to gain my trust.
I hate thinking bad things about people or their intentions, but for my own protection I'm going to have to learn to stop being so, naive?.... Ugh, my head hurts now lol

 

[Deleted member 29920]

:hug:

 

[Silver.]

Did you realize in your posting, that you wrote this?

If you love somebody you tell them you love them. And the other way round, if you don't.

I think no matter what people think of this man, or this situation, it's clear you care for him, but that is all there is between you two.
You concluded your own answer to your question. Now you just need to follow through eh?

 

[Pixielicious]

Did you realize in your posting, that you wrote this?

I think no matter what people think of this ma...

Yes, I know what I've written.
And I wish it was as simple as that.
I've made it very clear that I'm not in love with him
In fact, yesterday, again I told him. And I also told him what I've written here, that I'm considering cutting all contact with him.
His response was that I need to do what's best for me and that he'll always be there for me, that he'll always love me.
I don't know why, but it made me angry, really angry.
I can't figure out whether he's stupid for clinging on to something he can never have or is trying to manipulate me.
If he never used the 'i love you' I would have no problem being just friends with him.
Long ago, when I was younger and even more gullible, I was in a similar situation.
I remained friends with an ex whom I dated for 3yrs. He continued to love me, but when I started a new relationship, despite him giving me his blessing and approval for my new relationship, he tried to commit suicide.
And I think this is why I feel guilty about this whole thing.
I couldn't bare to go through all of that again.