To Date Or Not To Date?

[Deleted member 541]

@Pixielicious So his constant "I love you and behavior" is a trigger for you?!?!? Ok, so now that you know this, you need to figure a way to control your emotions within the trigger.

Acknowledging the trigger
Finding a way to de-escalate the emotions
Healthy coping skill to aid you while you have the emotions.

There are ways to do all of this. Very doable.

I also think that boundaries are an important step for you to take at this point.... if you decide to go no contact, fine. If not then firm boundaries on what you will and won't accept in the friendship will be VERY important. And sticking to them and not allowing him to push his way through. There are always ways of sticking to them, with consequences.....

 

[Pixielicious]

@Pixielicious So his constant "I love you and behavior" is a trigger for you?!?!?...

You know what?
I didn't even realise it could be a trigger until you mentioned it!
But yes, it would seem it is some kind of a trigger though it doesn't send me into flashback mode and if I hadn't written this topic I would never have known....Maybe It's because of the ex in my younger years, I still blame myself for what happened to him, but there's more and it's probably also to do with my evil ex that nearly killed me and the main reason why I have PTSD, I can't write about it too much yet, except that he forced me to watch him stab himself in his arms with scissors, all the while declaring his 'love' for me and that if I ever left him he'd do the same to me... Am Crying writing this... I must ground now.....

 

[ahershey]

I have conflicting thoughts and feelings about dating. I would like to. I have. It is hard with two little kids. I think, to myself, "focus on your kiddos, not on Romance. Focus on healing yourself." Yet, I feel alone. I don't have the friend/partner I want. I see happy looking families, which I want to be a part of. I want someone to talk to, to listen to me, to care for in that special way.
I am not looking for it, though. I am focusing on my kiddos and building a happy family with the three of us. I want to be emotionally and mentally stable when I become involved in a relationship, not broken like this. I feel like I must fix myself, not hope for, or let another fix me.
The few men I have dated have not made me feel much. I do take that as a sign that I am not ready for another person in my life.
Also, I think it best to retain emotional equilibrium. Something that makes me wonderfully happy can cause a let down of equal unhappiness. I don't think it is healthy when a call/message from someone, or lack of, makes my emotions run all over the place. I don't like to feel jerked around, and I hate it when my own head/emotions jerk me around.
Especially after the D.V. I think it's best to take the dating slowly, focus on my kiddos and creating the family I want, instead of trying to work another person's needs into the mix. (And yet, I long for the comfort of an ideal mate.)
If you only feel friendship for him, leave it there, despite his professed love. It might even be hard to remain friends with someone who says that they understand, yet keep putting their emotions onto you. It is uncomfortable to be around someone who likes you more than you like them and vice-versa.
Oh, and, Smile! You are brave and beautiful!

 

[Pixielicious]

I have conflicting thoughts and feelings about dating. I would like to. I have. It is hard with two...

Thank you ❤
Lucky for me, my kids are adults and have never had to see what I went through.....But ya, I am carefully evaluating my feelings, wants and needs about all this now. Will I ever be ready for another relationship? I don't know, but like someone wrote earlier, don't turn the frog away lol
Well, she didn't say it quite like that, but I opened up to him a little bit last night....And he just listened. I have a list of about a 1000 + do's and don'ts and am gonna check just how many boxes he ticks as I continue this friendship, because I would be a fool to turn away somebody who I believe genuinely cares about me. But if he triggers even one flashback, which he's never done, I'm out. Writing all this out has made me realise the real reason for my guilt and I think I feel scared too...About the possibility of actually falling in love. Again I don't know. Maybe I'm simply not ready for being 'in love'..... I Wish my emotions didn't keep going up and down like a yo-yo.....ugh :tdown:

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Pixielicious if you aren't ready for love and yet want to see if there is something with this guy, then really talk to him and explain how you would like to see if this could evolve. Explain that you would like to give it a try, but strictly on a friendship basis for now. Ask him to stop saying "I love you" and ask him to just be your friend. Go places, do things, but without any physical involvement. Drop all relationship expectations and just "be" with each other.

He may trigger a flashback... that doesn't mean it's his fault, and shouldn't be held responsible, unless he actually does something malicious to cause it. Our flashbacks are OURS, and we need to find ways to cope with them. Throwing people to the curb isn't one of those ways.

Whatever you chose, chose because you want something more, not because you think you have to have it.

 

[Changing4Best]

The last 3 guys I dated turned out to be drug addicts. I think I have had enough of that, and of men in general. I can live without them! So I do.

One guy at church keeps saying to me, "I love you." He wants hugs. That is as far as I let it go. I called him this week, just to be friendly and see why he was not in church for the last couple of weeks. I never really did get an answer to my questions, but he did say he was happy to hear from me and that he cherished my call. That felt good. However, I hope he does not get the wrong idea. I am friendly, that is all. I am not interested in anything further than that. I have told him that he is my "special Christian friend" and that I don't ever want to get married again. We are both elderly, so I think he understands. None the less, he keeps saying, "I love you." to me and that makes me nervous. Then again, there are many kinds of love. So I will hope he means brotherly love and nothing more. As that is all I can deal with at this point, even though I know he is not a drug addict. Still, I just am not ready for a relationship and I probably never will be.

I have complex PTSD from both childhood and adult sexual abuse. So this is why I don't want to be involved with any man seriously. It all just gets too complicated way too quickly, so I can relate to you being weary. Don't do anything you are uncomfortable with. And don't let him do anything you are uncomfortable with either!

 

[Pixielicious]

The last 3 guys I dated turned out to be drug addicts. I think I have had enough of that, and of me...

Thank you ❤
It's nice knowing that I'm not alone in this.

 

[IrisL]

Hello,

I read in the thread ... understand what's your concerns... but are we sure we aren't paranoid and overreact, just to keep ourselves in safe, because we don't want to get hurt... if we aren't ready to get hurt, then we aren't ready for a relationship... if you would like to be I. A relationship is a hard work- and extra hard work with PTSD. From the other person we need affection, admiration, enormous amount of attention, understanding and loyalty on top of the honesty.
If you can't do it than you shouldn't do it, because with your fears you will hurt the other.
And by the record not necessarily you will triggered by a bad person, if you know perfectly your triggers than you would just heal your shoulder and notifiy it "yeap hello unconscious, shit up"
That's a prejudgment based on previous history- obviously negative.
In that way there are people who suffers from PTSD and can be triggered anytime. But that's not means it's caused because the other person is bad.
We shall not forget our brain wired plugged in to wrong sockets.
You neither would like to be judged because you freeze or you act out something because of your trauma...

And we have constant fear which we usually not even realise.

Is like seeing and perceptive the world by trauma glasses on.

For the topic - first we shall not define ourselves by ptsd - in that way you will determine yourself by it. I think we are way f*cking stronger than that's a' hell what we are living.and our perception shall be not by our triggers.

The perso. Who you triggers not necessaraly means they are bad, they just moved, talked, touch ... etc which your unconscious brain is pulling out a bad memory from your past and it's super scared and make you triggered.obvioulsy not all is positive... and yes there are people who will hunting for us and find it interesting to somebody have a disorder... but not all people like this.
If we don't want to be judged, why we judging people?
2nd if you don't love someone - than why are you wasting your and the other person time?
Respect yourself and the other.
But because we have problems with self love, we have problems with self respect.
In that case you just not respecting your own feelings ... question is why?

And expecting yourself to respect another human being... how you can respect somebody else, if you can't respect yourself?

That's just a proof for our bad wires pluggings...

Just a thought.
Hope wasn't defending or any negative.

To know another person you need tremendous time together and attention to the other...
you need to give time for each other to make conclusions and proper perception... how you need acceptance other needs too- there is nothing special in that, that's should be the base of the humans... unfortunately not...
But you never know who is the other person... like do you think because you had a trigger you are a bad person?
The main is how is the other person reacts? And how you react?
To find your balances in each other, is not a click and everything is happy and fairy tail... you work hard on that, a relationship is compromising in a balanced scale.and if you attention well, most people has similiar reaction as ptsd- that's just in a smaller scale; our reactions are extreme, because of a trauma.