A Different Kind Of Depression

[whiteraven]

I've dealt with depression for a very long time, something like 40 years. It's always been a kind of depressed, nothing matters, I-don't-have-a-purpose, wish-I-were-dead feeling. Not much energy or motivation. I've had periods where I've found pleasure in things and activities and have been motivated to learn and study toward greater goals, but I've never made much of myself and certainly never did what I wanted with my life.

Now, the nature of the depression is a little different. I think it changed 5 or 6 months ago, but it could have been longer. I am without any sense of hope at all. Life seems futile, not just for me, but for everybody. There seems to be no purpose for any of us to be here and this idea or thought makes my depression so much worse. Also, I'm feeling very old these days, and anything that reminds me of age is very triggering and leaves me incredibly anxious and depressed, sometimes suicidal.

I have been dealing with PTSD symptoms more in these past months, but I always feel like we are missing something where the depression is concerned. I have no support in the medical community (I could write a book about the horror stories) and no real friends, only my therapist for support. Sometimes I don't know how to express myself to help him understand how incredibly bad I feel.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I think what you are experiencing is just a deeper depression. Depression has levels. There are some days that I feel a bit depressed, and then there are those times when the depression is debilitating. And then there are the times that I get suicidal from it.

Do you have a therapist??? If not, I suggest you find one to help, or if possible think about in patient hospitalization.

 

[Kolten]

I'm sorry u are dealing with feelings like this. I have been there. Hopeless. I just recently went thru this and was explicitly honest and told my therapist I felt hopeless and had no care either way to be here or gone. She helped me by getting me to a hospital and I stayed for 2 days. That alone helped gain time for a time out from my surroundings and other things that were causing me severe anxiety and PTSD attacks. I felt safe while I was in there and felt like I was not afraid of the normal things I have been in the past like nighttime anxiety. I slept well there too. If u were u I would be very honest with my therapist and tell them how u are feeling let them determine based off of knowing u what they feel is best for u for further treatment If necessary. Depression can worsen and suicidal ideation is serious. Talk to ur therapist. They're ur biggest ally.

 

[whiteraven]

I think what you are experiencing is just a deeper depression. Depression has levels. There are some da...

Yes, I have a therapist. Can't do inpatient. It's complicated. But it would make me worse.

 

[whiteraven]

I'm sorry u are dealing with feelings like this. I have been there. Hopeless. I just recently went thru...

My therapist knows exactly how I feel. I am always honest with him. And I understand about the temporary nature of feelings (of everything, really), but in fact, I have had a lifetime of this. I'm not suicidal now, I just don't see a point or purpose to anything. And I feel safe nowhere. Not with my therapist, not outside, not even in my house (although I feel safer in my house than anywhere). And I don't really trust anybody.

 

[Deleted member 541]

We have in our area Day Programs . They run from about 9-3 M-F. Is this something that would help, if you had one in your area???. Just throwing out ideas...

 

[whiteraven]

We have in our area Day Programs . They run from about 9-3 M-F. Is this something that would help, if yo...

I appreciate it. I have to work. If I don't work, well...it's just not an option.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@whiteraven I so get the! "I have to work". Believe me I do. I'm self employed and self supporting. Have no one to fall back on, so I don't work, I don't eat. That said........ We tend to take time off when we are physically sick with the flu, bronchitis, pneumonia or god forbid broken bones or a major medical emergency....

So why not for our mental health????? Just asking, because I do pretty much the same. The only times I've been an in patient, is when it's been against my will on a 72 hour hold or worse.

 

[whiteraven]

@whiteraven I so get the! "I have to work". Believe me I do. I'm self employed and...

I have been on two medical leaves from this current job - one for brain surgery (Chiari Malformation) and one for a hysterectomy. Don't think I could swing another leave and besides, I can't afford it. I do take days off and, in fact, I'm on vacation right now. ;) It doesn't help, though.

My therapist just recently recommended a new workbook for the depression, so we are going to try going through that and see if it helps. I think if I have a solitary focus it might benefit. I'm also trying to figure out how to make some changes to work. I really want to do something more closely associated with my education and skills (I have a Master's in writing) and preferably on my own time. I've been thinking about editing and proofreading (I've edited full length manuscripts before); I'm just not confident enough to even start it. I know that I would be happier, though, doing that. And I could start doing it part-time to see how it went so I didn't lose anything by trying it.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@whiteraven I think that doing the editing, is an awesome idea and you should really consider it. I truly believe that we need to find something that we enjoy and are good at. Something that gives us that push back into self confidence. Something that others can see in us too. Humans thrive on validation, we need it and I believe we want it also. Yes, I think editing would be a huge success for you and it's just the thing you need to gaining some self confidence... really think about jumping back into it.....