Am I Not Being Reasonable?

[Deleted member 541]

@Catherine167 I honestly think that you are confusing the terms expectations and standards.

 

[Justmehere]

Anyone have suggestions on ways I could change her mind? I'm hoping that if she sees my therapy helping me, that that will be enough to change her mind, but I'm open to suggestions.

She may never change her mind. All you can do is what you have likely done - suggest it might help and keep boundaries around what you need to stay in the relationship. Always trying to change the other person ina relationship, especially if there is mental health issues involved, is a good way to push people away.

I think maybe I ought to try some of the exercises, at least, even if she doesn't read the book. Maybe it'll help.

Yeah, go through the book yourself first before you expect her to follow it. Apply the excerises and if they help, she will likely notice the changes and may be more interested to see what helped you. Her response indicates people have sent the message that she is messed up and needs to be changed. Not that she is accepted for who she is, in addition to needing things to improve.

I have read the book The Five Love Languges and a key point about the book is that everyone loves differently. Even two people who receive and give love via quality time. It's also important to see what acts of love there are and cherish them for what they are: love.

For example I tend not to feel loved by gifts. I learned to reframe it as - look this person took this time to go buy this for me and was thinking of me... because mine is quality time too.

For her, a two hour drive to spend time with you after an 8 hour workday is probably more like an act of service. Not so much quality time because she's doing a lot of that alone. It's not her way to show love.

I think you could be vastly underestimating her effort as well. She isn't you. For you, is no big deal to travel two hours after a full work day. For people battling depression, taking a shower can be a huge feat.

It's like someone going through chemo may really love their mountain climbing spouse - but no matter how much they love their spouse, they just can't do it. Depression can physically be a little like that.

And simply seeing a doctor or therapist isn't always a fix to a relationship problem.

What about exploring some alternatives? When you need someone with you and she can't do the 2 hour drive after work, what about perhaps a skype call where you bygone hang out through Skype even if one of you is cooking dinner and the like. I have done this with friends when they are in a bad spot. Or about spending longer periods of time together on her day off. Other ways to have quality time together without trying to change her so much to be exactly what expect, but other ways to meet your standards.

Long distance relationships are really hard even in the best of circumstances for reasons that don't always have to do with how much effort another person is putting into loving another person.

@Catherine167 I honestly think that you are confusing the terms expectations and standards.

I agree.

Your standards are good. They are healthy. It's a very different thing than expectations in a relationship and I think your efforts to change her to meet why you expect her to be - instead of enjoying her for who she is - this is leaving you disappointed and frustrated.

I also think you need to continue to work in therapy. It would be great to have a whole list of coping skills on board before you try to keep changing her and getting frustrated she isn't reading a book on PTSD when you are not applying that book yourself is a bit of defense mechanism coming into play to pull you away from the difficult work you need to do yourself.

Therapy and treatment is hard. You can't push someone else into it.

 

[Catherine167]

I read and am applying the book. The exercises I was talking about were the ones that you do after both have read the book. I don't ask people for things I wouldn't do myself.