Am I Too Needy Or Is This Acceptable?

[NightSky]

I just have to say that this has happened to me before. My therapist did call me, but she...

Did you talk about it with her after? I'm torn. I am always on Thursdays and have been for a year and a half. But my times have been shifting a bit because I'm on maternity leave. So we agreed to meet in the morning but she hadn't put it in her calendar. So she called everyone but said she didn't see my name. She said when she didn't see my name she wondered. Her husband woke up ill so I understand she was preoccupied. The hard part for me was that she only works tue, wed, thurs. And we had been in touch via text a few times because I've been having a harder time than usual. So I can't help but wonder why she didn't text and say "hey I didn't see your name and I didn't see you this week.. when were we scheduled to meet?" To me it was a difficult reminder that I'm one among many and it definitely hurt my feelings. She texted several times to say how terrible she felt which I don't want. It's life. It happens. But I feel my guard up now. and the last thing I want to do is make her feel worse. I feel like almost all of my effort so far in therapy has been learning to trust her enough to let my guard down and I'm still not even close to where I want to be. I think conversations like that could be helpful? But she's human and my rational side knows that.
@Arebas hope I'm not hijacking your thread!

 

[Arebas]

She had come down ill and gotten my cell phone and home phone numbers mixed up. Completely understandable, but it was really hard for the emotions to not take over.

I would panic too if that happened to me. A thousand scenarios in which I did something wrong would immediately pop up in my head. That's a hard one to go through.

So I can't help but wonder why she didn't text and say "hey I didn't see your name and I didn't see you this week.. when were we scheduled to meet?" To me it was a difficult reminder that I'm one among many and it definitely hurt my feelings.

I can understand this feeling so well. The visit to the T is this big thing in our calendar. But we're just one more date on theirs. It hurts sometimes. Makes me think I need to stop making her be so important in my life, but when I do that, then I don't feel like talking to hare at all. Balance, balance...

@Arebas hope I'm not hijacking your thread!

Not at all! I enjoy the discussion. Forces me to think about this rationally instead of going all emotional about it. It's helpful. :geek:

 

[Tickety]

Personally I would find a new therapist. Rather than so much focusing on what your therapist needs and her boundaries - maybe focus on what you need? It's ok to need a reply to emails. It's ok to expect to hear back from someone and know they will read what you send. If these things upset you when they don't happen, I think its ok to honour that in yourself. My T always responds to my attempts at contact. There are Ts out there who are happy to do that and who don't make you feel like you have to question yourself and your motivations so much.

If you need a T who allows more contact and is more reliable in her replies etc. Thats a valid need! Honour your needs. Especially while you are in a healing journey you need to feel safe and securely held and heard by your T so that the hard work of therapy can happen.

Wishing you all the best

 

[Arebas]

Personally I would find a new therapist. Rather than so much focusing on what your therapist needs and her boundaries...

Well, right now I am all confused. I can't tell the difference from what I know, what I think, what I feel, what I want and what I need. I don't know if I want to fire her, text her, ignore this, do nothing, do something... do anything. Therapy was about one thing, the email was about another thing, and what's in my head now is yet another thing. I feel like I need therapy day in and day out. I open the door and one big emotion comes out and there I go for the rest of the week like a chicken with no head. And it takes me a whole week to put it all back in order and then it's therapy time again! Open the doors again! This makes no sense. I'm not getting any better, I'm actually stuck in feeling lost and forgotten.

 

[Muted]

To me all of what you're saying makes perfect sense.

Trying to do therapy and life at the same time is like walking around with a big opened wound!

Based on your last sentence, is this triggering or 'bringing up' other situations where you have felt in a similar way?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Arebas , have you tried writing out your thoughts? I know that sometimes that helps me figure out what I really want or need. I journaled the other day and wrote about something that I hadn't even realized was such a big deal and it helped make things more clear. How long have you been seeing this therapist (sorry if you've already mentioned that)? Therapy often makes things worse before it gets better and even as you go along there are rocky patches that leave you feeling turned upside down or inside out. It's natural. But that unsettled feeling isn't helpful so maybe make some lists or journal about what you want and what you're feeling.

 

[Deleted member 39333]

I agree that you should try another therapist. It took me literally decades to get to the point where I could even think about going to a therapist and two full years to work up go actually going to one... and the first one I went to (twice) was a disaster. A total flake. Then it took me a couple of months to try again, but the second time I got someone really great. Just about ALL therapists will listen to you; that doesn't take much talent or training. You need to find someone who actually does help you, rather than leaving you to do the work yourself, and who will help you feel better about yourself, not worse.

 

[Arebas]

I'm sorry I took a bit replying to you. Bad day.
Thinking about this is getting me very tired, I'm not sure I can keep talking about it.

Based on your last sentence, is this triggering or 'bringing up' other situations where you have felt in a similar way?

It was. But I find myself in those kind of situations often. I'm asked to trust, to confide and to seek out, but I take so long to do finally dare to do it that the other person is no longer there or hasn't the time anymore, or the desire to be there. So I never actually learn that I can't trust other people, I learn that it's me that can't get it right so I should stop trying.

@Arebas , have you tried writing out your thoughts? [...] But that unsettled feeling isn't helpful so maybe make some lists or journal about what you want and what you're feeling.

I've always written a lot. It always helped. It doesn't anymore cause the part that used to write the most died so now writing is a nightmare. But thank you for the advise. It was a good one and something I would love to be able to do at the moment.

I agree that you should try another therapist. It took me literally decades to get to the point where I could even think about going to a therapist and two full years to work up go actually going to one. [...]Just about ALL therapists will listen to you; that doesn't take much talent or training. You need to find someone who actually does help you, rather than leaving you to do the work yourself, and who will help you feel better about yourself, not worse.

Took me twenty years to finally decide to go to therapy. I've been looking online for what kind of therapists are available to me but that only makes me feel like new therapy would be useless. If I can't make this one work then I'm done. I don't see why it would be different with someone else. They all say the same things on the websites, I would have to set an appointment with all of them to decide. And I'm not good at people so I'd probably think they were all good enough. And I think this is probably my fault, not hers. I expect too much, or too many things that can't be expected. I should care less about everything.

 

[Deleted member 39333]

I'm sorry I took a bit replying to you. Bad day.
Thinking about this is getting me very tired, I'm not s...

A lot of them will talk to you over the phone in a kind of interview before an appointment; others offer free consultations. They are NOT all the same in person, whatever they may sound like on paper.

 

[Muted]

I'm asked to trust, to confide and to seek out, but I take so long to do finally dare to do it that the other person is no longer there or hasn't the time anymore, or the desire to be there.

Trust can't be forced period. It can take time and if they don't stick around or aren't willing to earn it then they're not worth the risk or investment of your time.

 

[Deleted member 39333]

I'm sorry I took a bit replying to you. Bad day.
Thinking about this is getting me very tired, I'm not s...

And if it makes you feel any better, I waited nearly 40 years to try therapy, so I know how hard that journey is. When the first one didn't work out, though, I felt better about moving on and trying someone else because after waiting all of the time to get help, I wanted it to actually HELP.

 

[PBandJam]

Sorry my last reply had nothing! Trying again!
Arebas,
I literally just joined this group as I have been denying that I even have PTSD. I can't believe this is the first thread I read! I thought I was the only one who sent emails like this! My therapist used to respond but she quickly realized that my waiting for a response was increasing my anxiety. So now she lets me email whenever I want but she does not respond( unless I indicated I was at risk). She reads every message and we discuss them at our next session. And yes sometimes I am braver to say things in an email and I think she realizes that.
And I cry in pretty much every session! It is the only place I guess where I feel safe to "let down my guard".
Thank you for your honesty! I beat myself up tremendously for needing to send emails. It is nice to know this is a common experience.