Relationship Issues

[Adam F.]

So my wife and I seperated a little over a month ago. When we first split it was on the grounds that once i got my head cleared and was in a better place, I would come home and we would start working us.

Well I've been way better for about 2 weeks now, between counseling and new meds, and all of a sudden she needs to be in a better place and doesn't want to work on us "right now".

So we see my counselor together and the makes it seem like she's fine mentally. But now she doesn't know who "she is anymore" and I'm still left out in the cold. Oh and she needs me to go back to work and see how i react to that stress.

I'm just not sure how to take this whole, not wanting to work on us at all "right now" b.s. Now we have gotten to a point where communication is no longer a problem as "friends."

I'm trying to be patient with her because I love her and a binch of other reasons, I really am. But I'm 34 and have wants and needs that I would like to have fulfilled. Would I be wrong if something were to happen with someone else? I'm not going to actively seek anything but I don't know that I would stop something from happening. Would I be wrong for that?

Or how much time seems appropriate to give her to figure shit out?

Or do I just give up on her all together?

These are the questions running through my head every time I deal with her right now. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of jumping through hoops for it to go unnoticed and unappreciated.

Thoughts and opinions please?

 

[Kintsugi]

You're married. You've been separated for a month, and it doesn't sound like a separation either of you were expecting to become a divorce. So yes, I think it would be wrong to seek intimacy elsewhere. Adulterous, really.

 

[ladee]

Ya, you got a lot going on... guess I am confused that with all of it... seeking comfort elsewhere was even a question... seems you would be contacting the police to find out how you can get a license to go to work. Explaining to someone besides the officer you talked to..Your wife is walking home , not feeling well behind a miscarriage and you are upset that she has finally looked up and realized she is lost in the relationship....
Maybe taking a good hard look at yourself right now might be in order... PTSD is not an excuse to run... pick one thing and work on it... starting with yourself...

 

[Spring Flower]

Unless your relationship has been actively discussed as being an open relationship, then yes, that definitely counts as adultery. All things considered, going through a time where you need to focus on yourself should be something a spouse is supportive of. Especially if it's only been a month. See if you can find other ways to fill your own wants and needs without involving a third party, maybe? It just seems like a lot needs to be worked out on both ends.

 

[Justmehere]

It's great you are feeling better. It's great that she is finally willing to meet with you and your counselor. It's also clear you are really disappointed that your improvement has not led to being able to move back in with her.

Several things you should keep in mind before you you pursue an affair with someone else:

1.) It will dramatically sabotage your chances of working things out with her. It could speed up getting a divorce.

2.) It will bring more chaos into your life. Less trust.

3.) It will increase the reasons you will need to consult with professionals, including a divorce lawyer. Before you do anything, talk to your counselor, and an attorney, and if you still want to proceed, then talk to your wife before doing anything, and confirm the terms of your separation legally allows *both* of you to see someone else.

Have you and your counselor talked through other ways you might be able to feel more appreciated and encouraged other than moving in with her? In DBT, there is a skill called "mastery" that can help someone build the kind of life they want to live. It's focused on building up a sense of accomplishment, and doesn't depend on getting that from others. During this time that you are off work and "dealing" with her, it might help to find ways you can be appreciated that don't depend on her. Perhaps volunteering somewhere could help you get feedback on a job well done. The more your well being doesn't depend on her well being, the better the chances you both will have to make this work. (As far as the other "needs and wants" - as mentioned, there are ways to handle that without all the damage of an affair.)

It took a lot longer than 2 weeks for things to fall apart. When a marriage is on the line, I would give it longer than 2 weeks of improvement for both of you to figure things out.

 

[Abigail7]

Has it been 4 weeks since you've had sex? I'm sorry if I'm barking up the wrong tree but I'm thinking that if you thought "yay, time to go home and get an itch scratched!" and now you're being told to wait, indefinitely... I could see how that would cause you to start thinking about getting needs met elsewhere.

Also, think of how long your wife has had to "wait" for you. I'm guessing it's a bit longer than a month if your PTSD caused a separation.

how much of your positive bounce is due to being alone? I have a feeling that a lot of your current upswing is due to less stressors from your wife. It stands to reason that she wants to see you stabilize under the pressure of a job.

I don't think your wife is asking for too much, not in the least. But if you want to walk away, just take a look around and realize that landing a new partner is never easy for someone with PTSD. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush! Or maybe for us it's more like 20, lol.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Ok, so you have needs and wants. We all do. I made the decision when I was 46 to live alone, ending my relationship and not date. That meant not having sex either. I'm almost 64. Sex is overrated as far as I'm concerned, but others may have a different opinion.

Sex isn't everything, but when you're married you save your body for your spouse. There are ways to comfort yourself, I suggest that you choose those, and avoid blowing your marriage to hell over a 5 minute roll in the hay.

 

[Marie76]

So my wife and I seperated a little over a month ago. When we first split it was on the grounds that on...

Hi! I'm sorry for this situation you are in. I understand it though. In fact, I'm about to tell my husband I'll be moving out. I do have major depression, PTSD and my recent diagnosis of PTSD has changed everything in regard to my marriage of 10 years.

I finally understand what that stupid saying is all about, "if you love someone set them free". I married a very nice man who has no idea how to support me through this. But he's willing too at every cost.

However, I feel this is my journey, not his or even ours. I've only recently been diagnosed with PTSD but living with it for about 35 years. I'm only 42.

I am not ready for EMDR treatment, not even dealing with trauma therapy just yet, because I'm not ready to. Not even sure when that will be? I do go to weekly behavioral therapy to deal with my current situation and how I got here to this place which had opened up alot of wounds.

Point being, reading your situation, is EXACTLY why I feel the need to leave my marriage. I can't fathom the thought of working on it, without first working on me, and I'm not ready to work on me yet. It's unfair to put our marriage in standby in hopes that someday it will change.

I know what I need to do to make me better and until I take that step and feel prepared to deal with romantic relationships, I vow to remain single, self-sufficient and put my faith in me. Hopefully this helps?