Somatic Flashbacks?

[Klo]

I took a long break from this forum for a while, and unfortunately what has brought me back is this issue. Not at all unfortunate that this place exists, I mean thank goodness it does, because I had pretty much nowhere else to go to be able to relate with others about these particular things. But just unfortunate that this has started happening.

I suppose the fortunate part is that it is not frequent, maybe once every two weeks does it happen so significantly that I am pretty much out of commission for the entire rest of the day and/or up all night.

Also not sure if "somatic flashback" is the right term, but I don't know what else to call it. I wind up so realistically 'feeling' things but there is nothing else along with them aside from the resulting surge in sheer anxiety and/or nausea. One happened the other night and lasted for roughly 10-20 minutes. They do not last long, but they are really terrible. They are of a sexual nature, as well.

When this last one occurred, I just had the overwhelming need to make it stop no matter what, and suicide was immediately at the top of the list of options. Another ironically fortunate thing, I guess, is that I also get pretty much physically paralyzed with anxiety and dissociation when these happen, so actually trying to kill myself did not occur.

What I experienced instead was lying on the floor the whole time while desperately imagining being stabbed in the forehead over and over again. I just focused on that as hard as my brain possibly could while begging for death in my mind. Eventually it was finally over, and the suicidal focus also diminished. I was just trying so impulsively hard to block it out.

I can't remember a time before in my life experiencing this sort of issue. I've had emotional upheavals since forever, as well as the cognitive issues of obsessing/ruminating for hours, and both combined. Reliving things emotionally and mentally.

But this type of experience is a complete ****ing nightmare. Does anyone else experience this sort of thing?

I had an actual nightmare and woke up from it, felt shaken up but otherwise fine, turned to my laptop to check the news and distract/calm before starting the day, and then that is when it happened.

I did not really lose touch with reality in so much as that I knew nothing was actually happening. But it was like my brain knew what it would be like and was able to create the experience in my brain in such perfect somatic detail that it didn't even really matter if I knew it couldn't possibly be anything 'real'.

The closest thing I have had to dealing with something like this in the past is the severe vaginismus, but that only 'activated' if I actually tried to have sex or get a cervical exam.

 

[mp2277]

I took a long break from this forum for a while, and unfortunately what has brought me back is this issue....

I am sorry that you are dealing with this. I hope there is encouragement in knowing you are not alone. Strange but I have also been absent from the forum for a while and actually doing very well, no xanax and learning to spot and stop triggers and more importantly get out of my reactive mind and into my rational mind. I know exactly how you feel though as today I drifted into the horrible anxiety filled realm of the past abandonment and rejection and immediately went into my addictive "fix it" mode. It has been a horrible day emotionally. I logged on looking for something, no sure what, and your post was the first thing I saw. I hope you find someone or place while you are feeling suicidal and please don't be alone. Peace to you fellow traveler on this road.

 

[mrsmegan]

Yes, I experience this. It is usually tied with other triggers or too much time thinking/talking about the abuse. It is also sexual in nature - being touched, pain, etc. It generally only happens in therapy - as that is the only place that I really talk about what happened. It is EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I hate it. All I can do is just try to relax, keep telling myself it is not real, and hold on to the fact that it will pass, it is temporary.

You are not alone. (Hugs) if you accept.

 

[Nyssa]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I had similar experiences in the past. Thank god I was paralyzed too, otherwise I would have jumped out of the window.

What I experienced instead was lying on the floor the whole time while desperately imagining being stabbed in the forehead over and over again. I just focused on that as hard as my brain possibly could while begging for death in my mind.

If you are still aware it is a flashback while it happens, that means there is a part of you that is grounded in the present. And if this part of you can create images you can focus on, it is a tool you can use.

It helped me a lot. At first, I would picture myself flying off the window. Then I would picture my body being at rest, not under attack, breathing calmly. I would focus as much as possible on this image, while telling myself "another part of me is in a flashback, it is horrible over there but I am Ok here, I am alone and safe, calm, etc.".
Once, I imagined the presence of my attacker and pictured myself hitting him. That did not help. The rage was too immense, it was unbearable. And it got my "grounded self" carried away in the flashback instead of hepling me distancing myself from it. I suppose imagining yourself being stabbed would do that too. But if it helps, stick to it. Whatever works.

 

[Lamename01234]

I experience this too. The first time it happened it was an all day long feeling. I wanted to die. About 10 months ago.
I almost every week to every other day have some type of pain or contraction of pain happen down there.
I often find myself taking a shower trying to wash it off. My therapist reminds me it is a feeling and can't be washed off, unfortunately.

Last friday I was in therapy and it happened in there. I was able to process some without dissociating. When I did feel myself going because usually my vision starts to get 'jiggly' or my hearing fade and my tinnitus becomes very loud. I blurted out 'my eyes are jiggly' as my t had just turned around to grab her date book. She put her hand out and asked me to touch it. She often asks if I am in the room.

Things I have learned to do when this happens:
I first say it is 2017 and Trump is president. Saying that almost scares me, a gay woman, back to reality. But it does remind me it is not 1991 when the majority of my abuse happen.
Start naming things in the room.
Wash my hands or splash water on my face
I carry a cloth napkin with some essential oil dabbed on it and will smell it.

You are not alone. This forum amazes me, to hear other people speak about their experiences, realizing I am not alone. Nor are you. What you are experiencing is awful and painful. I hope you have someone to process it with.

 

[Deleted member 41765]

I've had emotional upheavals since forever, as well as the cognitive issues of obsessing/ruminating for hours, and both combined. Reliving things emotionally and mentally.

But this type of experience is a complete ****ing nightmare. Does anyone else experience this sort of thing?

While I am as yet unsure if I've experienced this as of late, I just wanted to reach out and say how grateful I am to read this and the other posts you've made today on other threads. While I'm not new to most of the experiences I've read about, I am new to the relational aspect this forum provides. That said, and I hope it is helpful on some level, THANK YOU for the wisdom you've given today, and the obvious strength. glad to be with you on this path.

 

[Deleted member 41765]

Clarification:

Ive certainly had the emotional upheavals et all...I was referring to the somatic experience you described at the beginning of my last post.