E
Echo
What do you do when the person you loved turns out to be nothing but a false mask? It's so hard to believe that it's a lie. I keep expecting the person I saw in the beginning to show up at any moment. To tell me this was all just a misunderstanding. But he stole that person from me. In a weird way, it's like he murdered him and then took over his body. So it's the same eyes looking at me, but now they are empty or filled with disdain instead of love...apathy instead of interest. I want the other person back, and I don't know why I can't accept that it was all a lie. It breaks my brain, it breaks my heart. The worst part is that I still compare that person I fell in love with with every guy I meet. This lie is now the standard to which I hold other men.
I am not a stupid person. I am not a naive person. But I was totally and utterly fooled. I know it doesn't make sense, because everything between us was always consensual...he made sure to that...but even still, I feel violated. I feel like something was stolen from me. He is only the second person I have ever been with. I told him how important that act was to me. I told him that I only shared it with people I saw myself spending the rest of my life with. He told me he felt the same way. He told me that he had only been with two other people. He told he placed the same weight and the same value...and all the while he kept saying..."This has to be YOUR decision." I thought he was being chivalrous, but now I know it was a control thing. It was to absolve him of any responsibility should I ever dare to come back and question why he took that from me. He can look at me with that crooked smile and those apathetic eyes and say...."I didn't take anything. You gave it to me."
And it meant nothing. And I meant nothing. And I mean nothing still. And as if breaking my heart wasn't enough. As if casting me aside like garbage wasn't enough. As if not even giving me the compassion of telling me why he cast me aside. As if all of that weren't enough, now he seeks to ruin my reputation. He is actively trying to destroy my career....and there is nothing I can do about it because he is..."Just such a great guy"...and everyone knows it. They believe him. They listen to him, with his disarming smirk, and his silver tongue. I have done nothing to deserve his wrath, but he gives it anyway.
In public I am dead to him. In private, he watches everything I do. To his friends, I am crazy, unhinged, obsessed, a liar, a back stabber, and he the victim. He will always be the victim.
I am not a stupid person. I am not a naive person. But I was totally and utterly fooled. I know it doesn't make sense, because everything between us was always consensual...he made sure to that...but even still, I feel violated. I feel like something was stolen from me. He is only the second person I have ever been with. I told him how important that act was to me. I told him that I only shared it with people I saw myself spending the rest of my life with. He told me he felt the same way. He told me that he had only been with two other people. He told he placed the same weight and the same value...and all the while he kept saying..."This has to be YOUR decision." I thought he was being chivalrous, but now I know it was a control thing. It was to absolve him of any responsibility should I ever dare to come back and question why he took that from me. He can look at me with that crooked smile and those apathetic eyes and say...."I didn't take anything. You gave it to me."
And it meant nothing. And I meant nothing. And I mean nothing still. And as if breaking my heart wasn't enough. As if casting me aside like garbage wasn't enough. As if not even giving me the compassion of telling me why he cast me aside. As if all of that weren't enough, now he seeks to ruin my reputation. He is actively trying to destroy my career....and there is nothing I can do about it because he is..."Just such a great guy"...and everyone knows it. They believe him. They listen to him, with his disarming smirk, and his silver tongue. I have done nothing to deserve his wrath, but he gives it anyway.
In public I am dead to him. In private, he watches everything I do. To his friends, I am crazy, unhinged, obsessed, a liar, a back stabber, and he the victim. He will always be the victim.
