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- #13
Mee
Diamond Member
No. I decided not to go into detail here. I did elsewhere and was found by people I used to share a social media platform with the violators :(.
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And the downs...frustration about justice
- Post starter Mee
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No. I decided not to go into detail here. I did elsewhere and was found by people I used to share a social media platform with the violators :(.
Swift
Diamond Member
Good plan. I don't have any social media (even though I was a social media manager for 3 years). I haven't gone into detail here either. Just wanted to make sure I hadn't missed something I should have read.
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- #15
Mee
Diamond Member
That’s really interesting that as someone really familiar with it you are not a regular user of it ( I would consider this a sort of social media , is that wrong? We are socialising ....)
Swift
Diamond Member
Yeah, we are socialising. Because this isn't an independent platform that has it's own devoted system - this isn't classically defined as social media. Definition is stupid, though. If I wrote my own app for me and my dog, where I posted videos saying things, and she could input her own content (by barking), and approve of mine, (wag tail for treats, give happy barks) that would be social media. She doesn't even have to be able to post it herself, but it would still be social media. (I did a uni assignment where I severely annoyed my lecturer by proving this exact point). And classically defined, this isn't, which is ridiculous. And if I just posted letters to my dog, that wouldn't be social media because she wouldn't be able to input back in the same format, and we'd be abiding by the postal service. Definitions have been imprecise as long as they've existed, but they're kind of hilarious.
Plato once said that the definition of a man was a 'featherless biped', so of course some joker (Diogenes) ran into his next lecture holding a plucked chicken, screaming "Behold! A man!!!!"
Definitions are bullsh*t, much like the whole law thing, and for the same reasons.
I had problems with stalkers, even though I'm pretty cyber-savvy, and also social media annoys the crap out of me. My 84 year old pop tells me when my friends post, and gets me to come over to show me.
What are you into, like what do you like doing?
Plato once said that the definition of a man was a 'featherless biped', so of course some joker (Diogenes) ran into his next lecture holding a plucked chicken, screaming "Behold! A man!!!!"
Definitions are bullsh*t, much like the whole law thing, and for the same reasons.
I had problems with stalkers, even though I'm pretty cyber-savvy, and also social media annoys the crap out of me. My 84 year old pop tells me when my friends post, and gets me to come over to show me.
What are you into, like what do you like doing?
- Post starter
- #17
Mee
Diamond Member
I find the way you explain really clear and entertaining! Thank you!
Hmm. Interests. I am cautious to talk to much about them really :) but lots have changed for me. Things I really like doing are definitely restricted by ‘fears’ and ‘agoraphobia’ of ptsd. Simple things like ... say going out to an art gallery. Or ... hahahahaha, going out!
Other things that are normal parts of life : music etc, I also find super triggering. I am working on it :).
I think I lost a lot of my passion in life and certainly my concentration. I think that’s probably depression rather than trauma? I don’t know. My therapist is really focused on not concentrating on labels right now but on how things are working for me. ( I guesskind if similar to the plucked chicken ! ). I do find it odd how spiralling into a flashback panicking about a trigger or memory in an unrelenting way is a feature of this yet I struggle with concentration to finish a book now, or complete a project
DharmaGirl
VIP Member
Hi, @Mee, I'm enjoying this conversation. I also agree that perpetrators need therapy. When I realized my abuse came from someone who had been abused just as badly, in a time when you didn't talk about those things, I found a lot of peace, and was able to let go of hatred, both of myself and my abusers.
The thing about concentrating reading a book, or completing a project, is that it is something you decide to do. A flashback is a biological reaction. You can learn to manage your triggers, and bring yourself out of flashbacks, but it starts out as brain signals "protecting" you. The biggest thing I learned in therapy was the word "and". So it may not be a case of depression vs trauma, but depression and trauma.
I find your outlooks on a lot of things refreshing. Yours too, @Swift, this is a great conversation!
The thing about concentrating reading a book, or completing a project, is that it is something you decide to do. A flashback is a biological reaction. You can learn to manage your triggers, and bring yourself out of flashbacks, but it starts out as brain signals "protecting" you. The biggest thing I learned in therapy was the word "and". So it may not be a case of depression vs trauma, but depression and trauma.
I find your outlooks on a lot of things refreshing. Yours too, @Swift, this is a great conversation!
- Post starter
- #19
Mee
Diamond Member
@DharmaGirl
I had an incident last week where the antidepressant I take was missing from my pill pack on some days. ( we presume this had happened on the day I plummeted). They really mean in when they say don’t Stop taking them!! I do not officially have depression but wow; that was an impact . I was plummeted right down into suicidal again. The plus side of this is that I dealt with the former friends email while like this ( with non reaction and calm appraisal... and it was so horrid my therapist ‘hissed’ while reading the beginning of it ) so I am obviously right that even in the low my trend is upwards.
Regarding violation/ victims. Without doubt. This was not revelation to me, I knew before hand; in fact my ‘trigger incident’ violator used his as a manipulative tool :(. I do not think it EXCUSES the abuse, ( their abusers too were victims) and we do not usually go around attacking people or expecting to be let off poor behaviour to others if we panic and need to leave places ( I have excused myself from laces for example and apologised for so doing, not shouted and run out)
Hatred / anger. These are fascinating for me. I have only recently started to find anger and it’s FABULOUS. . I had spent the whole time since rationalising, excusing ( the they were victims too, they lied to protect them srlves) and I finally have started feeling anger. It's something i have been working really hard in therapy on. It's kind of backwards because I understand it's more common for people to have to work on the idea that anger is protecting or arising from hurt or fear; where as I was rationalising my anger and my outburst were sheer terror reactions ( I cried almost unceasingly from the collapse date and have increasing numbers of tearfee days now) .
I have never hated either :( the rapist was s friend, when I finally confronted them I urged them to be honest with themselves, to get help. Later, a bout six months after the rape I went to the police and said I thought the person were fragile, the police were great in the State I made the report and said yes ’ its another reason to report, these people need help ’
The trigger violator? Like many terrible situations I love him. Recognising what he had done was catastrophic. But he is still who he was too. I can love him and recognise he is not healthy or safe to be around; like it's not ethical nor safe to keep pet tigers; it doesn’t end well!
So I have fairly unconventional therapy where my therapist tries to get me to be angry, more selfish and less considerate of other feelings When ever I go into ’well I didn’t feel hurt because I knew that x was dealing with.....’ She says ’stop it; Your feelings matter’
I had an incident last week where the antidepressant I take was missing from my pill pack on some days. ( we presume this had happened on the day I plummeted). They really mean in when they say don’t Stop taking them!! I do not officially have depression but wow; that was an impact . I was plummeted right down into suicidal again. The plus side of this is that I dealt with the former friends email while like this ( with non reaction and calm appraisal... and it was so horrid my therapist ‘hissed’ while reading the beginning of it ) so I am obviously right that even in the low my trend is upwards.
Regarding violation/ victims. Without doubt. This was not revelation to me, I knew before hand; in fact my ‘trigger incident’ violator used his as a manipulative tool :(. I do not think it EXCUSES the abuse, ( their abusers too were victims) and we do not usually go around attacking people or expecting to be let off poor behaviour to others if we panic and need to leave places ( I have excused myself from laces for example and apologised for so doing, not shouted and run out)
Hatred / anger. These are fascinating for me. I have only recently started to find anger and it’s FABULOUS. . I had spent the whole time since rationalising, excusing ( the they were victims too, they lied to protect them srlves) and I finally have started feeling anger. It's something i have been working really hard in therapy on. It's kind of backwards because I understand it's more common for people to have to work on the idea that anger is protecting or arising from hurt or fear; where as I was rationalising my anger and my outburst were sheer terror reactions ( I cried almost unceasingly from the collapse date and have increasing numbers of tearfee days now) .
I have never hated either :( the rapist was s friend, when I finally confronted them I urged them to be honest with themselves, to get help. Later, a bout six months after the rape I went to the police and said I thought the person were fragile, the police were great in the State I made the report and said yes ’ its another reason to report, these people need help ’
The trigger violator? Like many terrible situations I love him. Recognising what he had done was catastrophic. But he is still who he was too. I can love him and recognise he is not healthy or safe to be around; like it's not ethical nor safe to keep pet tigers; it doesn’t end well!
So I have fairly unconventional therapy where my therapist tries to get me to be angry, more selfish and less considerate of other feelings When ever I go into ’well I didn’t feel hurt because I knew that x was dealing with.....’ She says ’stop it; Your feelings matter’
Swift
Diamond Member
Hey @Mee , gosh am I glad to hear you've found anger. If I'm honest, I feel pretty relieved because I was worried you were being more compassionate to your violators than towards yourself. It's great that you've got a therapist who sounds like she's got her stuff together. And art galleries are awesome. I totally get not wanting to say too much. I just ask questions for conversation's sake, so if you ever feel like not answering, please just tell me to shush. I don't need the details at all, and I'm pretty circumspect in what I post, and probably only say as much as I do because I've spent years developing my cybersecurity systems. (Whoever hacks my posts on this site gets their ringtone/base computer ding noise changed to Tim Minchin's Pope Song, at full volume, at mathematically random intervals, and the only way to remove it gives me a vague geographical location).
And @DharmaGirl, great points. I love your profile pic.
Re: concentration, some of the symptoms are caused by PTSD changes in the brain. PTSD rewires us to concentrate more on our survival nerves (autonomic nervous system), in charge of the four Fs: fighting, fleeing, feeding and F (i mean) mating. Our amygdalas, which I call my lizard brain, are hyperactive - you can actually see changes in the brain on MRI or EEG. We have less activity in the front brain and language centres, and a lot more in awareness, peripheral vision, etc.
My lack of concentration is the most aggravating thing. I read a lot of essay collections and short stories, because my damn brain won't file information properly for long enough to read a book.
And @DharmaGirl, great points. I love your profile pic.
Re: concentration, some of the symptoms are caused by PTSD changes in the brain. PTSD rewires us to concentrate more on our survival nerves (autonomic nervous system), in charge of the four Fs: fighting, fleeing, feeding and F (i mean) mating. Our amygdalas, which I call my lizard brain, are hyperactive - you can actually see changes in the brain on MRI or EEG. We have less activity in the front brain and language centres, and a lot more in awareness, peripheral vision, etc.
My lack of concentration is the most aggravating thing. I read a lot of essay collections and short stories, because my damn brain won't file information properly for long enough to read a book.
- Post starter
- #21
Mee
Diamond Member
Yes; I am still pretty compassionate towards them. I am finding anger in current situations and societal stuff like the justice more; and kind of weird ‘unfair’ anger ( my therapist says it’s not unfair but I think it is ) at people surrounding the situation who I feel were not ‘enough’.
I feel blindsided by what happened still really. Its about 11 months since the rape and I was pretty much ‘done’ with that by Christmas. But I get ‘angry’ at not the rapist but people who say I made it up or call me crazy since. And I have anger at bystanders.
The flip side here that I feel more concerning is I feel what I think is disproportionate relief and gratitude when people believe me. I understand this is common after rape ( and in victims of child hood abuse).
Also, I am deeply envious now of your cyber security!
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Swift
Diamond Member
It's a long story, but I taught myself because of all this stuff.
I was being (physically) stalked and cyber-stalked as well. I like to know how things work. If you haven't listened to that song and don't mind the swearing, or the criticism of the Pope, it's brilliant. It's also really emphatic about bystanders. Warning: the whole song is sweary. But might be a good anthem for you. I love it. The maln riff is f the mother-f'er, that helps.
There's nothing wrong with compassion! Compassion is great, but I think you need it for yourself too.
And yeah this forum is weird with buttons.
I really struggle with bystanders and enablers too. Like, the excuse-makers. I almost have more hatred for them than I do for the abusers themselves. It's intolerable. To be a bit macabre here, the violaters at least got something out of it. There is no excuse for standing idly by and justifying the abuse. The justifying gets to me.
I was being (physically) stalked and cyber-stalked as well. I like to know how things work. If you haven't listened to that song and don't mind the swearing, or the criticism of the Pope, it's brilliant. It's also really emphatic about bystanders. Warning: the whole song is sweary. But might be a good anthem for you. I love it. The maln riff is f the mother-f'er, that helps.
There's nothing wrong with compassion! Compassion is great, but I think you need it for yourself too.
And yeah this forum is weird with buttons.
I really struggle with bystanders and enablers too. Like, the excuse-makers. I almost have more hatred for them than I do for the abusers themselves. It's intolerable. To be a bit macabre here, the violaters at least got something out of it. There is no excuse for standing idly by and justifying the abuse. The justifying gets to me.
- Post starter
- #23
Mee
Diamond Member
We have this in common then: the bystander and enabler thing. Yes; I took a break from social media recently ( my bigger understanding of it ) and plan to do so regularly. Social media I think was compounding to my trauma in its pervasiveness. It’s all... tawdry
I like Tim minchin so I will certainly check out the song, thank you.
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- #24
Mee
Diamond Member
Hahahaha.
My guess is that would get me a telling off on Facebook?
My guess is that would get me a telling off on Facebook?
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