Spiraling down....I Need to Make it Stop!

[NaeNae75]

Holy cow I'm so confused! I'm going through the worst isolation period with my partner that we've had in almost 9 years. It has never been this rough but as you may know, he started some intense therapy 2 months ago and his AF friend of 25 or so years moved in with him....I don't know if it's misery loves company, but he's pushed me out fairly severely and has seemingly replaced me with this guy, it hurts like hell. I mean, to the point that instead of me watching his son and tutoring him like I have for years, now he's taken that over and I haven't even seen his son in 2 weeks. I've never hurt so much in my entire life because now I'm dealing with having to go through brain surgery AGAIN.
He's promised that he'll do everything he can for me to be able to see his son next week...and has requested Monday off to take me for my LP (spinal tap), but for some reason, I'm thinking he won't, which is fine. But his behavior is so confusing. Having him not living with me anymore makes it so much harder. He isn't pushing me out of his life completely, but is fighting anything having to do with us spending time together or "being a couple"....which is okay too, I guess. But geeze, I don't understand. I'm struggling so bad right now. He tells me he loves me, he's trying to be here, but he's pulling away too. I don't want to give up, but how do I do this right now with everything going on?

Then I find out my dad (past and sometimes still abuser) has to have heart surgery. He's become a trigger too. His angry outbursts send me right back to being an abused little girl. The only difference is that now, I ignore him, so he hounds me with phone calls. We own a property together, and I'm at the point of walking away from it and everything else to just get away from it all. Plus my mom needs her hip replaced, so she's going to be down at about the same time as him... my sister is useless, so who's going to take care of everyone? My kids? That's not right! I want to protect them, because it's going to be a complete $h!t show!

With all of these things going on, I'm getting completely triggered...I'm spiraling out of control. I'm trying like hell to hold on, but I'm 2.3 seconds away from dumping my therapy and becoming numb so that I can take on my role of the sacrificial lamb. The one that never gets taken care of, because it's her job to take care of everything and everyone else. The one that will never get away from her well deserved punishment of giving up her life and happiness because she clearly doesn't deserve it. She's never deserved it. Who does she think she is that she can be happy? See....look - you tried to get so big for your britches by trying new and better therapy and thought that you could "get better" and looks what happens....everything falls apart to prove to you that you don't deserve it!

My own demons keep screaming to me that with K, he's pulled away because it's me that isn't worth anything....just like I've been taught all along! How dare I think that I was worth more than that?! Stupid little girl - you should have learned your lesson that you're not worth sticking around for. It doesn't matter how much you do, because YOU'RE not enough...you should have learned that by now! That reading about the other isolators on here doesn't apply to you, because he isn't trying to protect you....he's trying to get the hell away from you! There's not reason to place hope in the other stories. Don't fool yourself that 9 years means anything. How dare you believe that him telling him he loves you and that he's trying to protect you from him! He's just trying to let you down easy so he doesn't look like a bad guy. It's your fault for not being enough and not making it better for him, because that's your job! I don't know why, but this is exactly what is screaming in my head right now. So I'm frightened to let go, because if I don't make everything okay and if I don't wait, then I'm not worth having him come back to.

HOLY CRAP, what is wrong with me? I thought I was past some of this stuff. Why do I hate myself so much right now? How can I get past this and calmed down....I need to backfill the hole, not dig it deeper!

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @NaeNae75 - you are facing a really big sh*t storm and I am so sorry it is coming down on you all at once.

I think it's good that you recognise all that self-loathing going on with your self-talk. I'm not sure what methods you have for trying to pull it up but that is something you can control and you need to stop berating yourself.

Please do not stop therapy right now. Keep something stable in your life. It seems like there will not be too much else that is stable for a while so please don't throw that away. I'm not sure what sort of relationship you have with your T - are they someone you can talk/vent and release some of this stuff too.

I don't know why your OH is doing what he's doing. Does he know that you are in for a really big operation soon and he needs to check back in and help you out for a change? I mean to me, it's not ok if he does not turn up for your spinal tap. It's REALLY not ok and I know it's really PC to say otherwise but you need him and he needs to know imho. There is no ducking and weaving right now - your brain is at stake so it's important you get support and assistance.

I don't understand what he's doing with the 'replacement of you' stuff... or is this your perception being skewed a little right now. Are you indulging in a little catastrophic thinking because everything has really turned to Sh*t almost all at once?

Please don't make major life decisions whilst almost everything you know is in such a state of flux.

I get what you are saying about needing to help everyone out because I am pretty much the 'go to' daughter for my parents now despite having half a dozen siblings that do F*k all...sigh...

I get that feeling of you dared to reach a little higher and feel like you are being taken down... But's it's not reality - there is no orchestrated conspiracy to make you fail. It's just life I'm afraid... sorry!

I think when you lump all of these rather big events together it just seems insurmountable. So break it down and put your management hat on for a few minutes every day and work on breaking things into small tasks.

I think you are unwell and when any of us are unwell.... we don't deal with all of the normal sh*t well let alone the other big sh*t that rains down too.

So, recognise in yourself right now you cannot be everything to everyone because you have to make sure you are ok, that you survive, that you get through your own medical stuff before you can help anyone else. To put it bluntly - right now - you actually are the most important person so put yourself first!

:hug:

 

[NaeNae75]

@blackemerald1 , I wanted to stop and say thank you. I'm having a battery of tests this morning, so I don't have time for a big reply. But thank you for reaching out. Your post touched me.

 

[TTC18]

Sending a :hug: of support - sounds like you're going through a lot. I hope your guy steps up and really is there for you like you need right now. You DO deserve happiness and you ARE worthy. I've skimmed through a bit, and can say - you've supported him through a LOT and shown a lot of love for him and his son - and now that it's your turn to need some support, I hope he's able to be there for you.

 

[NaeNae75]

Well, he just decided to inform me he's not taking me, but will give me his credit card for uber or lyft... uh, no thanks. No way am I getting in a stranger's car after a spinal tap. That puts me in entirely too vulnerable of a position. I understand he's trying to provide an alternative for me, but not a good one. The hospitals an hour away, the trip in someone I care abouts vehicle is scary. So in a strange one, never.

I mean, hmmm, giant needle in my spine to drain fluid, which leads to being extremely sore and usually severe headache, then get into a stranger's car? Uh, not happening. No way, the thought of not being able to have a chance of fighting someone has me petrified. Now I need to scramble for a plan. I am going to just try to drive myself. If something bad happens, oh well, I guess. It doesn't seem to really matter anyways...

I understand logically he requested off and it was denied. I know he's been dealing with a lot of crap at work and has been singled out a few times too. I know he struggled with this, but it still hurts and I feel pretty abandoned.I really feel abandoned and alone in the world, and that no one gives a shit if I'm not doing for them. We had a nice chat Friday night when we met at the laundromat, and yesterday morning things were fine, but then he turned back into a funk. I feel responsible because I was asking him about the last time he felt joy. He was also planning on doing some writing, so it feels like he just got depressed again. They're coming over Tuesday, but then he'll be gone at his parents for Thanksgiving Wednesday through Sunday.

I've been trying to hold on, but it's feeling hopeless. He has EMDR at 230 that day, so hopefully he does go to that. Honestly going to that is more important to the big picture, I think. Because if he starts canceling appointments regularly, I won't stick around this time. I can't subject myself to this if he won't do his part and get help actively.

I'm staying in my therapy, even when I'm feeling completely lousy and want to give up. How did I let these feelings and this anxiety creep back in? Hopefully I'll have a better game plan after tomorrow's results.

This is what I get for believing I could have a good relationship. I've always been able to depend on him before... but he's never been this bad before. What the hell did I do wrong? Screw you PTSD.... screw you right to hell!

 

[Abstract]

I am so very very sorry. Your situation is just plain horrible. I think those of us who grew up with abuse, maybe especially emotional abuse, end up believing we are responsible or the cause of all sorts. Because that is what we are told. Thats probably true for everyone who has been through extended periods of having other peoples venom onto us, no matter the age, blaming us for what is theirs. But actually that isnt true. And life is also sometimes just coincidentally shitty when it comes to timing. There doesn't have to be a fault. Even if there was it isnt yours. Its also not to do with your worth. Your worth is an innate thing. It isn't dependent on what you do. It isnt dependant on what others do and dont do to you. It just is. You are a human being and you have infinite worth. Nothing can take that away.

Him letting you down isnt ok. Is there someone else who can pick you up? Totally understandable that you dont want to go with a stranger.

Sadly the two of you seem to simultaneously be going through shit at the moment. Its probably going to be a case of each of you making sure you take care of yourselves for the moment and getting in help from others. Hopefully once the dust settles you can both pick up where you left off.

Good for you for staying with therapy. Thats a good first step. Think of being an example if you can t think of anything else. Good luck with the procedure.Let us know how you go. Sending strength and courage your way.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hi @NaeNae75 - :hug: I hope this procedure goes very well and the tests all come back with no abnormalities.

I am going to just try to drive myself. If something bad happens, oh well, I guess. It doesn't seem to really matter anyways...

Huh? - No.. driving yourself would not seem to be a good solution. If you do have a complication or reaction after a medical procedure and you hurt yourself, other's or damage property - insurance will not cover you. Aside from the very real danger and injuries that could result.

Yes - it does bloody matter. You matter and it's not good enough.

Is he your partner? ...you have asked him for help because, in this instance, you really dam well need it. F*ck work and political sh*t going on at work. He needs to be there for you when you are sick.

Why could he have not requested a sick day himself, a annual leave day, a family leave day or just gone to the boss and told them he will work off the hours he is down from. Come on.... this can be negotiated.

Please don't judge your own worth on how this man behaves towards you.

Your worth is an innate thing. It isn't dependent on what you do. It isnt dependant on what others do and dont do to you. It just is. You are a human being and you have infinite worth.

^^Exactly!!

I understand logically he requested off and it was denied

Well as I have described there are ways and means of negotiating with employers. How about having his pay cut for one day to make sure you get there, be there with you or waiting outside the procedure room to help you and bring you back home again? Then he can piss of to his own place afterwards if he must. Geese...

I feel pretty abandoned.I really feel abandoned and alone in the world, and that no one gives a shit if I'm not doing for them.

^^I can understand how you must be feeling. I am so sorry :hug: But we are here and after the procedure and when you are feeling up to it, can you come back and let us know how you are?

We care, you matter to us! I know you want him to care and to show it too but you cannot make him. Personally I think it's his loss.

Relationships get stronger through shared adversity not just shared joy.

I feel responsible because I was asking him about the last time he felt joy

So...you ask him a question and then feel responsible for his feelings and behaviour? STOP No! You are not responsible for him and his writing or not or depression or happiness or whether or not he gets to therapy and and his job, life... etc., He's responsible for all of that..not you!

You are so invested in him and he thoroughly expects this of you all the time - when you need help, when you ask him for help - he cannot do it for you?

Love sometimes means we put ourselves and our issues to the side and help other's. Epic fail on his part here @NaeNae75 - I am a sufferer and I cannot know his experience but if he can go to work and live with someone else and function relatively normally - he can support you for a few hours. This is bs!

Could you ring the hospital social worker or the department or the specialist who has ordered the spinal tap and ask them if they have any possible way of assisting you with transport to and from? Maybe you could ask them to keep you in overnight to rest if you must drive yourself.

Or, get his F*kin credit card and book a motel for yourself, one that has room service and a nice wine list and drive yourself there, stay over-night and rest in a nice apartment & have food bought in. Rack up a big dam bill... See if that mobilises him for next time you need support with a serious health issue! If you give him another chance to start behaving in a decent way - that is...

 

[NaeNae75]

Or, get his F*kin credit card and book a motel for yourself, one that has room service and a nice wine list and drive yourself there, stay over-night and rest in a nice apartment & have food bought in. Rack up a big dam bill... See if that mobilises him for next time you need support with a serious health issue! If you give him another chance to start behaving in a decent way - that is...

You literally had me laughing out loud! This is the funniest stuff ever! Sad part is, he would do it without a care because it would let him off the hook for feeling guilty for not being there.
He works as a federal officer, so he had a lot of special rules they have to follow. Like even when the government shuts down, they still have to work and for free. He gets forced into overtime a lot too... so I'm not going to be too upset about him not being able to leave work. But if he doesn't take off for the surgery, well, that's a different story. Also, how much can I expect while we're on a break? I often worry if I'm not being fair or realistic. This whole thing makes me feel crazy.
You guys help more than you can imagine. I hold on to him so hard, because he gets it... ...he gets why I am how I am. He supported me to get help. He just hasn't been as willing to support himself. Maybe this break is what he's trying to do, I guess. I guess that makes me feel more guilty for needing him right now. He's always been willing to sacrifice for me...I guess I'm ashamed it feels like I'm not doing the same for him.
I'm so scared of everything. I'm scared about brain surgery, I'm afraid of my dad not being okay, and I'm afraid he's really going to leave me this time. I'm always afraid everyone will eventually.
There's a lot more I want to say to you guys to answer appropriately, but I'd like to have my laptop instead of just my phone to do that. It's so hard to get my thoughts in order this way. I'm sorry.

 

[blackemerald1]

Glad I got a laugh out of you...but seriously...

he would do it without a care because it would let him off the hook for feeling guilty for not being there.

^^Well if he cannot be there for you then make that booking and don't feel guilty! Aside from racking up a big bill - you will need rest and recuperation after the procedure (seriously) and even if you don't want that - there is always a little bit of Christmas shopping to be done? lol You have his card... just an idea lol....

federal officer, so he had a lot of special rules they have to follow. Like even when the government shuts down, they still have to work and for free. He gets forced into overtime a lot too... so I'm not going to be too upset about him not being able to leave work.

^^Been there, done that (sort of) - When he retires or gets sick of it all he may well regret the millions of unpaid hours and oppressive obligations he felt obliged to undertake... It will not help your relationship, might actually damage it and this isn't a big ask really...let's keep it in perspective... You are asking for one day off from work for a serious medical procedure. :wtf:

But if he doesn't take off for the surgery, well, that's a different story.

^^So, just to make sure this goes better than the spinal tap... Once you find out dates - email, text and ask him to take the time off... no maybe's he has to be there for you.

Also, how much can I expect while we're on a break? I often worry if I'm not being fair or realistic. This whole thing makes me feel crazy.

^^Don't blame you at all. I would be crazy too! And I am a sufferer who does isolate - though doing it from myself really does take skill... :sorry:

I think this is a serious health issue - your procedure - and there have to be exceptions to the rule here.

I understand he is on his journey to better health but what good is that if he fails you and you are seriously injured or worse because he doesn't meet even rudimentary obligations on a personal level?

He can deal with all of his obligations at a professional level...so there is a little wriggle room here NaeNae.. and it's guilt free.

Let him know he has let you down on this occasion and that you expect him to step up when you have physical health procedures where his practical and emotional support are immediately needed. Don't hide or excuse away your disappointment. If you let him know, then he does then know. It's not manipulation or ramming his boundaries - it's called - communicating! Don't be afraid to tell him. Don't try and read his mind.

He supported me to get help. He just hasn't been as willing to support himself. Maybe this break is what he's trying to do, I guess. I guess that makes me feel more guilty for needing him right now. He's always been willing to sacrifice for me...I guess I'm ashamed it feels like I'm not doing the same for him.

But did he have a major illness that required a shunt in his brain? Did he have something really, really scary and big to deal with whilst he was helping you out? Keep some perspective here NaeNae... No more guilt... No more shame... It is what it is right now for you.. time to put your practical, survival hat on and stop worrying about him for a little while.

Personally I cannot understand partners that opt out when serious medical procedure's are needed but that's just me... If I am in one of my shut down and survival situations here at home and my loved one's need me... I go. I will deal with my ptsd by lots of inventive ways whilst I have to be in a place I didn't expect to be. It's very anxiety provoking and extremely stressful but it's still doable!

I am being very judgemental, I don't know him, I don't have to deal with what he has...so.. I'll stop the wha wha he should stuff..... lol

I'm so scared of everything. I'm scared about brain surgery, I'm afraid of my dad not being okay, and I'm afraid he's really going to leave me this time. I'm always afraid everyone will eventually.

^^This is really drilling down to that raw fear that we all worry ourselves sick over. I know you are scared of everything right now and frankly - so would I... so would everyone else I know... You have got some big sh*t happening in your life... so time to yank out coping strategies and grounding tools... Keep your head in the here and now... Not what might happen!!

If we break it down....let's see....

Your dad may or may not be okay... I get this... my dad is currently not ok too... and I have this buzzing in the back of my head everywhere I go and whatever else I am doing.... what can I do? Ask yourself what can you do? If you can do something...you would...but if you cannot release yourself from that pain. Do what you CAN do and try to not worry...I know...we are really good worrier's - but worry never helped me or anyone I know.

Is he really going to leave you? Hell wouldn't he be a fool to do that! No...right now - I think he is more than likely going to stick around BUT if he doesn't and he pulls up stumps today YOU WILL STILL BE OKAY! You are far more resilient than you think. You will struggle - no doubt - but you will be okay. So, think less about him - even though - you feel so extremely vulnerable right now - and more about you! He can wait if he's not willing to help you through this.

Brain surgery - Now this is something that needs your immediate and prompt attention. Be organised before you have the procedure... have food in the fridge, make it easy to slam together food...like soup & freeze bread rolls etc., Clean linen on the bed and take care of the stupid little things that will come up in your post op recovery period before you have the procedure. Pets booked and outsourced till you are on your feet again. Outsource everything you possibly can until you are mended and up to it.

Tell someone who loves you to call around and check in regularly for the first few days or so or make a follow up appointment with your Therapist/gp etc., in advance...so you don't have to wait.

I guess what I am saying through this whole, very long winded post... is YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD to YOU...right now. Don't be ashamed, guilty, embarrassed or minimise your needs because if you don't get through this surgery ok... well your partner, your dad and everyone that knows you will definitely lose big time!

:hug: :hug::

 

[NaeNae75]

Wow! I wish you were close so I could hug you! You have a slew of really excellent points! I have two of my college age kids at home here. (Plus my granddaughter) So there is little doubt they'll help keto the house running. They're excellent kids. I'm very proud of them! I already laid out clean sheets for tomorrow morning too, lol! I'm also lucky to have 2 full freezers and the pantry is stocked. We're blessed that way. I always stay stocked because I'm a bit of a prepper nut. I'm always a worry wart, .so stuff stays in a perpetual prepared mode around here. I even started making accommodations for my business just in case. That's how I cope.

Thanks for saying he'd be a fool. That's very kind of you. You have an immense amount of tips and ideas here. Thank you for putting so much effort into being so kind and supportive. I love this place...it's one place I don't feel like a screw up or weird. You guys get it.

I can't say thank you enough!

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh my @NaeNae75 , what an ordeal to go through! :(

I may be way off, but do you think one of your kids could drive you? Or take a cab/Uber with one of them, if he's offered to pay, or rent a car/ let your child drive? Not sure if since it sounds he really does have to work if he's 'trying' to let you down, or minimizing. Maybe that is his way of coping, too?

Do you think the thought of something maybe going 'wrong' with your surgery, could be frightening him? Most people go through some avoidance/ denial, under such circumstances? Especially after losses. Plus that really overflows the Stress Cup.

I don't think it's wrong to say what your experience has been with the Spinal Tap, before, and what you can't or don't want to tolerate. But that may cause more stress, as neither of you can change it, but neither of you are at fault. I would normally say phrase it positively- his presence would help you feel better (if that's the truth)- but if he can't get off that's just more stress and guilt he can't solve and you didn't intend. :(

I think with ptsd it actually 'helps' to feel needed, but he, and you, both know what you can each bear.

Many prayers and xox for the surgery to go well and be the last one needed, too. :hug:

 

[NaeNae75]

Hey guys, I'm sorry it has taken me so long to reply, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for your patience and support. I'm very happy to announce that even though my shunt has failed, my LP (lumbar puncture/spinal tap) shows that my pressure is in an acceptable range. Essentially what this means is that I don't need surgery (thank you, God) The bad new is, they really don't know what it is that's going on, so I'm going to need a bunch more testing. I need a full neurological work up, they're sending me to a headache clinic, and my T wants to make sure the "blackouts" aren't in fact me dissociating. Sigh....I hadn't even thought of that. So, at least this is all doable alone if I have to. It's not fun, but why should that start now...lol

This is going to be kind of long, but I tried to break it up in a lot of really small pieces to accommodate reading at different times if someone is so inclined. But I did want to address everything, because I really found all of your help useful and I appreciate that you guys took time to acknowledge me. That doesn't happen all of the time for me.

I don't understand what he's doing with the 'replacement of you' stuff... or is this your perception being skewed a little right now. Are you indulging in a little catastrophic thinking because everything has really turned to Sh*t almost all at once?
Please don't make major life decisions whilst almost everything you know is in such a state of flux.

I'm not sure how right I am or not. But I know that having his "buddy" do it, makes it very convenient for him in that he lives there and that then it's easier to "ignore" me. I don't know how much time they spend together, but I know he's been spending a fair amount with his son, and that actually makes me a little bit uncomfortable since he had never even met his son before he moved in. Regardless, I've been his only "mother figure" since he was 3...his mom is horrid and neglectful. He's got several male role models, including his father. By having his friend keep him and help at the house, his son is very isolated from everyone else as well. I don't think it's very healthy for him either, but there's nothing I can do about it. Honestly, I can't wait until he leaves, but I have no idea if/when he will. They're both isolators and work separate shifts, so they don't likely see each other very often. I have to be honest and say that there have been past indications about his sexuality. His ex wife would constantly accuse him of being homosexual. That was never my experience with him, but I also know of a few experiences he has indicated some "bi" ideas...but nothing really serious, so I don't know if my imagination is just really overactive. It's like 99% unlikely, but that 1% really screws with my head.

Your advice about not making decisions right now is also very sage advice. It's hard to calm myself down enough to wrap my head around, but you're right.

get that feeling of you dared to reach a little higher and feel like you are being taken down... But's it's not reality - there is no orchestrated conspiracy to make you fail. It's just life I'm afraid... sorry!
I think when you lump all of these rather big events together it just seems insurmountable. So break it down and put your management hat on for a few minutes every day and work on breaking things into small tasks.
I think you are unwell and when any of us are unwell.... we don't deal with all of the normal sh*t well let alone the other big sh*t that rains down too.

Once again, you're right. But when I'm panicked, I can't stop the spinning thoughts in my head that are unusually paranoid, for lack of a better way of putting it. I've always joked with the guys at work that I'm "Murphy's Bitch"... because whatever can happen will....and to me. I actually generally try to prepare for it, so if it does, I'm ready. Maybe that's like some law of attraction stuff and maybe discontinuing that may help....I'm not sure.

You DO deserve happiness and you ARE worthy. I've skimmed through a bit, and can say - you've supported him through a LOT and shown a lot of love for him and his son - and now that it's your turn to need some support, I hope he's able to be there for you.

Thank you for this so much. It means a lot to me to actually feel recognized and appreciated. I often don't get to feel that way. That needs to stop too. I'm going to have to start showing people the very least I deserve is acknowledgement. I've started some parts work along with my EMDR and some spiritual type of healing as well....I'm thinking that marrying them together might help me stop doing some of this stuff. I certainly hope so. I'm reading and doing worksheets like crazy during my "free time". I don't want to be like this the rest of my life.

I think those of us who grew up with abuse, maybe especially emotional abuse, end up believing we are responsible or the cause of all sorts. Because that is what we are told. Thats probably true for everyone who has been through extended periods of having other peoples venom onto us, no matter the age, blaming us for what is theirs. But actually that isnt true. And life is also sometimes just coincidentally shitty when it comes to timing. There doesn't have to be a fault. Even if there was it isnt yours. Its also not to do with your worth.

I guess this is some of the story of my life! On good days, I can accept that it's not my voice but someone else's thoughts that have infiltrated, but on the rough days, it seems like the default explanation. Thanks for the reminder!

Sadly the two of you seem to simultaneously be going through shit at the moment. Its probably going to be a case of each of you making sure you take care of yourselves for the moment and getting in help from others. Hopefully once the dust settles you can both pick up where you left off.

Sending strength and courage your way.

It sure seems like that right now! I hope we can too. I don't always talk about the best sides of him here...nature of the beast, I guess. But really, he's an excellent man. His good far outweighs the baggage. If we don't, I'll survive...but I really enjoy his company. There aren't many people I can say that for. In fact, I can count on less than a hand how many people I feel that way about and not all of them are even alive anymore.

Yes - it does bloody matter. You matter and it's not good enough.

We care, you matter to us! I know you want him to care and to show it too but you cannot make him. Personally I think it's his loss.

Relationships get stronger through shared adversity not just shared joy.

Thank you for telling me I matter...it's rare that is ever said to me. I agree about the adversity, but when his stress cup overflows, it rains down on me, and vice versa, I think. I think when we're both in a good place, or even one of us, we're actually fine. But this has been the roughest time he seems to have ever had, and I'm not sure why.

You are so invested in him and he thoroughly expects this of you all the time

Don't blame you at all. I would be crazy too! And I am a sufferer who does isolate - though doing it from myself really does take skill... :sorry:

What do you think he expects? Me to stick around when he's isolating or ? Have you isolated from yourself? That must be horrid.

Personally I cannot understand partners that opt out when serious medical procedure's are needed but that's just me... If I am in one of my shut down and survival situations here at home and my loved one's need me... I go. I will deal with my ptsd by lots of inventive ways whilst I have to be in a place I didn't expect to be. It's very anxiety provoking and extremely stressful but it's still doable!

This is how I am...but I think I like having people need me, because even though it's difficult, it gives me something outside of my head to think about. But he feels this weird responsibility for everything and a need to fix it all or it screws with his worth and brings him tons of shame...he lives in a world of shame. Brene Brown would have a field day with him.

Your dad may or may not be okay... I get this... my dad is currently not ok too..

I'm sorry your dad isn't doing well. That can complicate things. My dad infuriates me, but I do still love him.

Is he really going to leave you? Hell wouldn't he be a fool to do that! No...right now - I think he is more than likely going to stick around BUT if he doesn't and he pulls up stumps today YOU WILL STILL BE OKAY! You are far more resilient than you think. You will struggle - no doubt - but you will be okay. So, think less about him - even though - you feel so extremely vulnerable right now - and more about you! He can wait if he's not willing to help you through this.

Once again, you guys are good for building me up! lol. I hope he does stick around, and he would be a fool. But, he's so shrouded in shame that if I wasn't initiating and "smoothing things over" sometimes, I think he'd be too afraid to even talk to me. I'm typically "the strong one" in our family...in all of my family. This is the only place I feel safe enough to "crumble". Well, and my t's office. I have crumbled with him, and he can take a certain degree of it, then he just starts blaming himself. I've decided to go on a reiki retreat next weekend. It will be wonderful. This is a new thing for me, but I really like the lady leading it. It will be a bunch of woman working on spiritual awakening at her big farmhouse. Sounds like it's just what I need!

Especially after losses. Plus that really overflows the Stress Cup.

That pesky cup....his has been at max cap for a while now, and he's going about emptying it in mostly unhealthy ways. The only thing he is doing is seeing his T. But he's overworking and isolating....neither of which are super good for him. But there's nothing I can do to change it, so accept accept accept, I guess.