Relationship And it has all kicked off - he is shouting at me, swearing, my tummy is in knots. He has locked the back door so I cant even get into the house.

[Sunshine71]

Great.

After a weekend away presenting at a big event feeling positive I come home to hardly a hello.

I am so behind with my work for a few reasons and been under a lot of pressure..... but still dealing with my son getting in trouble at school... his T1 diabetes and more.

I order a big delivery of vegetables every week trying to eat healthy and costing a lot of money and he has left them in the garden - so now they are going off.

I simply said "Do you know the vegetables are still in the garden"

And it has all kicked off - he is shouting at me, swearing, my tummy is in knots. He has locked the back door so I cant even get into the house.

I am so sad, fed up, I don't feel well.... I am trying to do my work from my office garden - my PC isn't working properly and I am the one who earns the money as he hasnt had hardly any work for months.

How dare he treat me like this.

I am gutted. After 30 years and many of those supporting him after his diagnosis of PTSD.

:( Sunshine

 

[grit]

I cannot underestimate your pain if you were in this relationship for 30 years but I cannot also ignore your contempt for this person. I wonder, if you are in therapy for yourself to learn more about your own capacity and capability to be free and live in less hectic environment? It is as if he/she has overtaken your reigns and you have become just a reaction in the air now.

 

[Sweetpea76]

but I cannot also ignore your contempt for this person.

Why would she need therapy for being upset that she is locked out of the house she is paying for? That she is being ranted and raved at?

Sounds like a pretty normal way to feel if you ask me. In fact I’d be furious if I was trying to work, outside locked out of my home, to support his ungrateful ass. f*ck that noise.

 

[grit]

@Sweetpea76

The intention of my comment was based the impression that this is an ongoing crisis and she is not willing to leave the relationship as it is (precisely because this person is being locked out their own home no less) so rather than saying leave this relationship and assuming this did not cross her mind already, I was recommending find support system to learn how to maneuver. I do not know the full story so that was my take on this.

It is quite obvious to say call 911 or leave this person but I was not prepared to assume she does not know that anymore than maybe find other ways to strengthen herself emotionally and psychologically so she does not find herself in this situation or learn other ways of coping.

what do you recommend to her?

 

[Sweetpea76]

I’d listen to her and be sympathetic. Let her know that her feelings are valid and just as important as her sufferer’s are. Supporters don’t get a lot of that, and typically that is why they post here.

She sounds burnt out, hurt, humiliated, and unappreciated. Like she is damn good and over his PTSD for the day. Being the spouse of somebody who has a mental illness can be exhausting.

Hang in there @Sunshine71 ... hopefully he settles down so you can get into the house soon.

 

[Sunshine71]

I cannot underestimate your pain if you were in this relationship for 30 years but I cannot also ignore your contempt for this person. I wonder, if you are in therapy for yourself to learn more about your own capacity and capability to be free and live in less hectic environment? It is as if he/she has overtaken your reigns and you have become just a reaction in the air now.

You may have picked up on something - I feel contempt for PTSD and how it has just about destroyed a great man.... and I used to feel nothing but love and admiration for my husband, But the years are taking its toll when I have been rejected badly by him and have no affection.
The first 10 years were good - the next 10 the cracks appeared and these past nearly 10 years have been a living hell. We met at 18 and I have just had one other boyfriend before him - he has never had anther girlfriend so I am not sure if we are still together as thats all we have known. I am also scared that he may do something silly if we split up - although I always say how can we work and its him who says thats it Im leaving.

Yesterday was terrible and I ended up shouting at my son and had to go to bed really early as I felt so ill.

 

[Sunshine71]

@Sweetpea76

The intention of my comment was based the impression that this is an ongoing crisis and she is not willing to leave the relationship as it is (precisely because this person is being locked out their own home no less) so rather than saying leave this relationship and assuming this did not cross her mind already, I was recommending find support system to learn how to maneuver. I do not know the full story so that was my take on this.

It is quite obvious to say call 911 or leave this person but I was not prepared to assume she does not know that anymore than maybe find other ways to strengthen herself emotionally and psychologically so she does not find herself in this situation or learn other ways of coping.

what do you recommend to her?

I am scared to be the one to say this and then deal with all of the splitting up after too. All what needs to happen - and what he may do. When its calmer its OK. Its not exciting or the life I thought I would have but its doable. When its bad it kills me. I feel broken.

 

[Sunshine71]

I’d listen to her and be sympathetic. Let her know that her feelings are valid and just as important as her sufferer’s are. Supporters don’t get a lot of that, and typically that is why they post here.

She sounds burnt out, hurt, humiliated, and unappreciated. Like she is damn good and over his PTSD for the day. Being the spouse of somebody who has a mental illness can be exhausting.

Hang in there @Sunshine71 ... hopefully he settles down so you can get into the house soon.

Thank you Sweetpea - I remember your name from years ago and you were really supportive then too.

I do not get support however I am going to have some counselling sessions starting next week. I am a member of a business group and they have warded them to me as life has been tough even without mentioning the PTSD.

We carried on talking and I can see more of his view point but he just got more nasty - its like trying to reason with a horrible child not with an adult.

I am still shattered.

 

[Sunshine71]

Well after a while he unlocked the door.. Still screaming and saying he will leave and all other things.

He said he doesnt feel valued and that my work is more important.

Well really it is when I have work and he doesn't. I have to get my work done otherwise I will loose my clients. How they have put up with such delays is beyond me. I know he feels "less of a man" when he isnt paying his way but then dont scream and shout when I am non stop just because there were crumbs on the kitchen floor.

I simply had to prioritize my sons health, my sons education, my work and my big event last weekend.

I would ideally NOT be working so much and be so much closer to my husband.

I hope this happens but as they years fly by and my 50's are around the corner I am scared this is what it is for ever. My dreams on hold and no connection with the man that once was so kind, caring and loving.

Thanks all - typing with tears in my eyes - and my son who is off sick!! :( xx

 

[Mytime]

Is he in any kind of therapy?

 

[bellbird]

Speaking as a sufferer, but also just as one human being to another -- I am so sorry @Sunshine71 .

Supporters go through so much for us/with us. You do not deserve to be treated like this, at all.

Reading through your OP, my subconscious picked up on themes that were present in my abusive relationship.
That's not said with the intention to put the spotlight on me, but rather to let you know that I had a really visceral response to just reading about your experience, and am absolutely hearing and validating what you are going through.

How have you been, and how has the situation been, since you last posted?

 

[mumstheword]

Well after a while he unlocked the door.. Still screaming and saying he will leave and all other things.

He said he doesnt feel valued and that my work is more important.

Well really it is when I have work and he doesn't. I have to get my work done otherwise I will loose my clients. How they have put up with such delays is beyond me. I know he feels "less of a man" when he isnt paying his way but then dont scream and shout when I am non stop just because there were crumbs on the kitchen floor.

I simply had to prioritize my sons health, my sons education, my work and my big event last weekend.

I would ideally NOT be working so much and be so much closer to my husband.

I hope this happens but as they years fly by and my 50's are around the corner I am scared this is what it is for ever. My dreams on hold and no connection with the man that once was so kind, caring and loving.

Thanks all - typing with tears in my eyes - and my son who is off sick!! :( xx

So sorry life is so tough! I know it's not my fault, but I really feel for you! It sounds like you are doing the very best you can in a really tough and difficult situation.

I hope you can create time for you and for the two of you to talk and work things out.