Relationship And it has all kicked off - he is shouting at me, swearing, my tummy is in knots. He has locked the back door so I cant even get into the house.

[LuckiLee]

Mental illness is extremely difficult to deal with in a relationship. An untreated mental illness is a no go for me. I am not able to deal with that much dysfunction. It's crazy making. (for me)

You've been dealing with this for such a long time. It's no wonder you're having your own meltdown. PTSD is a monster and can destroy the best of relationships.

He's treating you horribly and no one deserves that. Including you. I know you love him but he's not that teenage boy you fell in love with. He's someone with trauma and a mental illness. And he should be addressing his problems. Nothing will get better until he does. Imho.

You should take some time and decide if this is something you can live with indefinitely. Because if he doesn't start the healing process I feel nothing will change.

You deserve your feelings and you deserve to express them and have your partner hear you and want to make changes. That's a relationship. Both partners working together. Even if it's a bumpy ride.
Working together for a common goal. Whatever it may be.

Keep sharing here. Maybe we can all figure something out together. Take care of you. XO

 

[Justmehere]

Ugh. So sorry you are going through this. :hug:

 

[anon1234]

Am also sorry you are going through this.

 

[Mytime]

How dare he treat me like this.

Yep this^ let’s be honest. You don’t have to put up with it. This is abuse and control. Your supporting the house hold, kick his ass out the door, until he gets his sh*t together.
You don’t have to put up with his yelling at you. Walk away, leave him to deal with his own emotions. Take care of yourself and your son. That’s your responsibility, he’s an adult. He has his own choices on how he want to live. And you have your own to. You have every right to set your own boundaries and chose what you will and will not live with.
You deserve to be treat with respect, kindness, compassion and love. Not being locked out of your home, because of his abusive behaviour. I will say it a hundred times and I’m sure other will too.

YOU DESERVE BETTER :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I am also scared that he may do something silly if we split up

That's not your problem to worry about. I worry that you don't have proper boundries. In addition to him being in therapy, and be treated as untreated PTSD is another huge monter, you need to have proper boundries with a PTSD relationship (or really any relationship but more important with a PTSD realtionship). And boundries work for the sufferer as well as the supporter. They personally help me (sufferer) and act as a guide. I bump up against them and they guide me. So they help both parties. But boundries are what you personally will and will not put up with. Like, "I refuse to be screamed at. If you are going to scream at me, I'm going to walk away". Boundries have to have a consequence that is ADHERED to (in this instance, walking away). They don't work of you don't do the consequence.

Anyway, my point is, you personally need to know what your boundries are. He and his well being is not your responsibility. He is an adult therefore, he is his own responsibilty. Fearing what he will do if you leave, in my view, is crossing into a boundry. And if it helps at all to know, it also puts more stress on him. But I'm just worried that you adding more onto yourself then you need to or even should.

Another boundry maybe "if you lock me out of the house, I'm going to call the police". Stated calmly. No yelling needed. A PTSD relationship can also be an abusive one in which you are being abused. And this is what I'm worried about. Remember, boundries are what you will and will not put up with. So important!

 

[blackemerald1]

When its bad it kills me. I feel broken

I think that's a normal response to a bad situation. A situation that's not actually of your making?

He said he doesnt feel valued and that my work is more important.

And does he expect to make you value him by locking you out of your marital home and criticising you for working to provide and keep food on the table? Time for him to own up to his own feelings. He likes to blame you for you trying to keep things working whilst he does what...? Is he working on himself, on getting better, on contributing towards the overall relationship?

Still screaming and saying he will leave and all other things.

The point is Sunshine... if he's going to leave there isn't anything you can do to stop him. If he's giving you ultimatums about the relationship or what he will or won't do if you do or don't do what he wants... that's not a great place to be either.

I would ideally NOT be working so much and be so much closer to my husband.

You've got no guarantees that he will feel and behave better if you are around more.

Honestly is he jealous of you...?

He's trying to extort submission from you... locking you out of the house ugh... get real!

 

[TruthSeeker]

Why would she need therapy for being upset that she is locked out of the house she is paying for? That she is being ranted and raved at?

Sounds like a pretty normal way to feel if you ask me. In fact I’d be furious if I was trying to work, outside locked out of my home, to support his ungrateful ass. f*ck that noise.

Ditto that thought. Even the sickest person shouldn’t be enabled and allowed in a relationship to bite the hand that feeds them.

I think getting therapy for you personally is a good idea.!You are worthwhile and deserve better treatment. Looks like he doesn’t have the same boundary line as you when it comes to respect- which is earned in all relationships.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I think that's a normal response to a bad situation. A situation that's not actually of your making?



And does he expect to make you value him by locking you out of your marital home and criticising you for working to provide and keep food on the table? Time for him to own up to his own feelings. He likes to blame you for you trying to keep things working whilst he does what...? Is he working on himself, on getting better, on contributing towards the overall relationship?



The point is Sunshine... if he's going to leave there isn't anything you can do to stop him. If he's giving you ultimatums about the relationship or what he will or won't do if you do or don't do what he wants... that's not a great place to be either.



You've got no guarantees that he will feel and behave better if you are around more.

Honestly is he jealous of you...?

He's trying to extort submission from you... locking you out of the house ugh... get real!

@Sunshine71 I read something today. The overall message was that life is change. I stopped and pondered. As I think about this, with the changes I have made over the last couple of years, I suffered- a lot, but today I am stronger and happier than I was. Things could change for the better- remember you are worth it.

 

[Mach123]

Great.

After a weekend away presenting at a big event feeling positive I come home to hardly a hello.

I am so behind with my work for a few reasons and been under a lot of pressure..... but still dealing with my son getting in trouble at school... his T1 diabetes and more.

I order a big delivery of vegetables every week trying to eat healthy and costing a lot of money and he has left them in the garden - so now they are going off.

I simply said "Do you know the vegetables are still in the garden"

And it has all kicked off - he is shouting at me, swearing, my tummy is in knots. He has locked the back door so I cant even get into the house.

I am so sad, fed up, I don't feel well.... I am trying to do my work from my office garden - my PC isn't working properly and I am the one who earns the money as he hasnt had hardly any work for months.

How dare he treat me like this.

I am gutted. After 30 years and many of those supporting him after his diagnosis of PTSD.

:( Sunshine

I have looked this for thirty years also and the tendency to blame is ferocious but I'll only accept up to 50%.

Yelling and throwing temper tantrums is bad, but she usually is participating up to 50%.

She expresses her anger towards me differently but it hurts just as much.

So I don't get angry anymore mostly because she wants that. How dare she treat me like this? I get angry but I try and not show it, they all jump in if you show anger they always did but they groom you for that because they ignore you otherwise.

Because sex is all I care about and all she cares about is everything else oh well!

Let me rephrase that, she cares about sex all right. Without it, how could she pick on me? She can go to hell anyway I hate the way she treats me. Except when we're in love.

Sigh.

I hope you guys stop fighting. I love being in love but I hate the fights lol.

 

[dulcia]

saying he will leave

Ugh...one of the most annoying threats. I feel for you on this one!

 

[Mach123]

It's such a dumb power struggle we are better right now but it's just about power. Seeing that makes it simple but not more comfortable.

Why won't he do what I want?
Why won't she do what I want?

Because, that's why! Lol

 

[Sunshine71]

Is he in any kind of therapy?

Not any more. He is "therpied out" It has never helped and feels made things worse.

Ugh...one of the most annoying threats. I feel for you on this one!

I now just say go... :(

Speaking as a sufferer, but also just as one human being to another -- I am so sorry @Sunshine71 .

Supporters go through so much for us/with us. You do not deserve to be treated like this, at all.

Reading through your OP, my subconscious picked up on themes that were present in my abusive relationship.
That's not said with the intention to put the spotlight on me, but rather to let you know that I had a really visceral response to just reading about your experience, and am absolutely hearing and validating what you are going through.

How have you been, and how has the situation been, since you last posted?

Thank you so much - I havent logged on for a while.... just when I think things are calming down and improving it seems to get worse again :(

Yep this^ let’s be honest. You don’t have to put up with it. This is abuse and control. Your supporting the house hold, kick his ass out the door, until he gets his sh*t together.
You don’t have to put up with his yelling at you. Walk away, leave him to deal with his own emotions. Take care of yourself and your son. That’s your responsibility, he’s an adult. He has his own choices on how he want to live. And you have your own to. You have every right to set your own boundaries and chose what you will and will not live with.
You deserve to be treat with respect, kindness, compassion and love. Not being locked out of your home, because of his abusive behaviour. I will say it a hundred times and I’m sure other will too.

YOU DESERVE BETTER :hug:

Thank you so much.... xxxx