What people dont really talk about...

[AJ45]

the fact that trauma happens when one may not comprehend fully doesnt mean there arent memories that arent understood later.....i ask my therapist what happens if stop drinking etc and cant deal even more response was " good question"

when you feel like you dont belong and then are pretty much told that by adoptive family....adoptive mom doesnt believe in helping nonblood, adoptive dad says he never wanted me. i havev worked so hard to earn their respect love etc but realize that isnt possible.

i found my biological family only because mom passed away in 2015 and foud her obituary online....meeting her was the one thing that got me through all the bad growing up...

hope is like a mean trick. and brains at a point where its like what is the point of anything no matter what you do. and its not like world will stop if not here. there is no will no fight no hope no faith. im not even human anymore. i bleed and it doesnt even seem real. .... im a ghost.

 

[Gs172003]

the fact that trauma happens when one may not comprehend fully doesnt mean there arent memories that arent understood later.....i ask my therapist what happens if stop drinking etc and cant deal even more response was " good question"

when you feel like you dont belong and then are pretty much told that by adoptive family....adoptive mom doesnt believe in helping nonblood, adoptive dad says he never wanted me. i havev worked so hard to earn their respect love etc but realize that isnt possible.

i found my biological family only because mom passed away in 2015 and foud her obituary online....meeting her was the one thing that got me through all the bad growing up...

hope is like a mean trick. and brains at a point where its like what is the point of anything no matter what you do. and its not like world will stop if not here. im just waiting for bio grandmas birthday to pass and take care of somethings within next 10 days, then im done. there is no will no fight no hope no faith. im not even human anymore. i bleed and it doesnt even seem real. this isnt impulsive this has been a long time coming.... im a ghost.

Have you met any of your other bio family? Do you want to?

 

[AJ45]

Have you met any of your other bio family? Do you want to?

ive met bio grandma. and we talk on FB chat. which i am extremely grateful for.

 

[Gs172003]

ive met bio grandma. and we talk on FB chat. which i am extremely grateful for.

Do you have other bio family members you can try to get in touch with?

 

[AJ45]

Do you have other bio family members you can try to get in touch with?

no.

 

[Tinyflame]

im a ghost.

Not that it's helpful, but I can relate and you are not alone.

I read recently something like family is the primary, fundamental and irreplaceable community, But:

when you feel like you dont belong and then are pretty much told that by adoptive family....adoptive mom doesnt believe in helping nonblood, adoptive dad says he never wanted me. i have worked so hard to earn their respect love etc but realize that isnt possible.

that is what you find out ^^.

I am not sure of exactly the approach it requires to replace it, but I think it does involve being around people who don't think and react that way, even if you don't consider them as family. (But I am sure it is what people mean by a Family of Choice for those who can).

What stands out are 2 big backwards things, to me:

1. 'normal' (or at least healthy) people don;t take delight in bashing anyone, particularly those society expects them to respect and care for
2. Which means, considering #1, that doesn't make you the default cause of their rage, anger and disrespect. That comes from inside them.

I was thinking how years ago, 3 or 4 men I knew, I could seemingly do no wrong to them (truly inexplicable to me how they saw it that way). What I thought and 'knew' about myself dictated many decisions I made, because I limited proof it could be different than what I thought.

I believe it's hell being told constantly what you're hearing and living within your adoptive family above,, especially if you already believe you have no value. However, there is much more value to be found within your connections outside of abusive or rejecting ones. I hope you hang in there and gamble to see, and also reduce exposure to the negative. At best, that is their opinion. And if they treated others outside of their family like that, chances are others wouldn't care for them much, and think they have a lot of healing to do, too. (Or not, as they'd probably avoid them if possible.)

Far as 'non-blood' goes, many people give a stranger their kidney, for example. Many people don't think that way, at all. Choose people who value you, because you will meet ones who do, and they shouldn't be deprived of that because someone else who wasn't healthy told you otherwise.

Far as using less deleterious means to cope, it might be an option to talk to others trying to overcome it also. And post on here.

Hugs to you. :hug:

 

[AJ45]

Not that it's helpful, but I can relate and you are not alone.

I read recently something like family is the primary, fundamental and irreplaceable community, But:


that is what you find out ^^.

I am not sure of exactly the approach it requires to replace it, but I think it does involve being around people who don't think and react that way, even if you don't consider them as family. (But I am sure it is what people mean by a Family of Choice for those who can).

What stands out are 2 big backwards things, to me:

1. 'normal' (or at least healthy) people don;t take delight in bashing anyone, particularly those society expects them to respect and care for
2. Which means, considering #1, that doesn't make you the default cause of their rage, anger and disrespect. That comes from inside them.

I was thinking how years ago, 3 or 4 men I knew, I could seemingly do no wrong to them (truly inexplicable to me how they saw it that way). What I thought and 'knew' about myself dictated many decisions I made, because I limited proof it could be different than what I thought.

I believe it's hell being told constantly what you're hearing and living within your adoptive family above,, especially if you already believe you have no value. However, there is much more value to be found within your connections outside of abusive or rejecting ones. I hope you hang in there and gamble to see, and also reduce exposure to the negative. At best, that is their opinion. And if they treated others outside of their family like that, chances are others wouldn't care for them much, and think they have a lot of healing to do, too. (Or not, as they'd probably avoid them if possible.)

Far as 'non-blood' goes, many people give a stranger their kidney, for example. Many people don't think that way, at all. Choose people who value you, because you will meet ones who do, and they shouldn't be deprived of that because someone else who wasn't healthy told you otherwise.

Hugs to you. :hug:

Far as using less deleterious means to cope, it might be an option to talk to others trying to do the same. And post on here.

Trying to grasp what you say. And im so sorry you feel like ghost also. I never want anyone to feel way I do. I know there is beauty in world but there is also a lot of crappy bs that happens. I think in ideal good out ways bad so keep going but for some that's not reality you get beat down so many times there is nothing left except a pile of blood and broken soul

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @AJ45 . Which is why it's also so critical when it feels like that is what is left of you to limit as much as possible more negative exposure, and replace it with positive, gentle, safe things, people and places. It's like being raw, and having no skin. That is the time for softness and kindness, and goodness.

And you see how kind you are- to not wish it on someone else (thank you). :hug:

It's like being on a budget, and the negative thoughts, memories and people charge twice as much rent to live in your brain. And they have the loudest voices. But really, the opposite should exist, and more of it. Otherwise one becomes drained and destroyed completely. Choose differently, even if they won't.

 

[AJ45]

Yes @AJ45 . Which is why it's also so critical when it feels like that is what is left of you to limit as much as possible more negative exposure, and replace it with positive, gentle, safe things, people and places. It's like being raw, and having no skin. That is the time for softness and kindness, and goodness.

And you see how kind you are- to not wish it on someone else (thank you). :hug:

Oh tiny I understand. But I just don't feel i deserve it. I just have no fight left in me. I wish i did but don't. I'm very good at being helpful to others and reliable etc but its rare I can expect same. Im going to try this next coming week but if feelings don't change I'm done. I regret the times I have failed and will make that doesn't happen again

 

[Tinyflame]

Take it one day, or moment at a time. I too understand not feeling it is deserved. I do think it doesn't need to be 'fight', since I long-passed that ability, also. It helps more to be where and how you don't have to fight, going along on the strength and goodness of others.

I suspect you feel very different about your grandma on FB, or your bio mom who died (I am sorry). They feel/ felt you deserve it. The people here too know you deserve it. The people saying otherwise- excuse me for saying but have their (angry) heads up their as*. Any one or thing that destroys a person's self-esteem or will to live is an unhealthy influence (and an easier action to take on their part than addressing their own behaviours). Bring in healthy influences. No sensitive person would feel any differently than you, under the same circumstances.

 

[AJ45]

Take it one day, or moment at a time. I too understand not feeling it is deserved. I do think it doesn't need to be 'fight', since I long-passed that ability, also. It helps more to be where and how you don't have to fight, going along on the strength and goodness of others.

I suspect you feel very different about your grandma on FB, or your bio mom who died (I am sorry). They feel/ felt you deserve it. The people here too know you deserve it. The people saying otherwise- excuse me for saying but have their (angry) heads up their as*. Any one or thing that destroys a person's self-esteem or will to live is an unhealthy influence (and an easier action to take on their part than addressing their own behaviours). Bring in healthy influences. No sensitive person would feel any differently than you, under the same circumstances.

All you say is correct. And I very much appreciate your words. I'm also extremely detached and its like nothing is real im so confused

 

[Tinyflame]

I find when I am overcome by that numbness and am feeling as you describe it is because of so much (too much) pain.

I was just thinking, I have a tendency to end up there not only some times, but in sept/ oct (unlike other times don't really know why). I can only suggest don't try to solve the confusion (that's one way the SI gets in, IMHO). Expect it, but also put blinders on and gravitate to anything good, peaceful, calming, safe.

Also try to get sleep and eat (you don't need to deserve it, just aim for a routine). Small steps.