Undiagnosed What’s wrong with me?

[Angel328]

Hi. Im not sure if i have PTSD. But i know i have anxiety and panic attacks since i was a kid. I think it started when i was ten, when my aunts husband was touching me until i was 13. I have flashbacks everyday, and I'm not sure if it's normal or why they happen or what they mean. The first time it happened i was in the ocean with him and i couldnt reach the floor so i asked him to grab my hand and pull me back and he did, but then i was suddenly in a tight bear hug and he reached under my bathing suit for a while. I tried to kick him, but the water betrayed me. I couldnt kick hard enough. After that he would do it everytime i had to sleep over my aunts house. In the middle of the night when everyone was sleeping he would stare at me for a long time and poke me down there, then he would lay on top me and hold my mouth and do other things. Sometimes i would black out. Im 33 now and for years i have problems with being around people, i hate to be seen or looked at. It feels like fire. Im also scared around all men i dont know. I cant really sleep, i have to take sleeping pills a lot. When the flashbacks start i have to hit myself to make them stop. When i was a kid my mom would hit me a lot. Which helped. Its easier when someone else is doing the hitting. Either way, im just confused and im not sure whats wrong with me. Im older, i should be better, but i dont feel okay. I'm not sure what my problem is. I never told anyone, because i cant destroy my family. It's a hard no for me. I decided that when i was 10. I still have to see him today and hug him when i greet him (it's a cultural thing) and he hugs me so hard and caresses my back. It feels gross. But he cant hurt me anymore. At this point im just trying to figure out what's wrong with my head and why i cant sleep.

 

[Gs172003]

Potential trigger::

Hi. Im not sure if i have PTSD. But i know i have anxiety and panic attacks since i was a kid. I think it started when i was ten, when my aunts husband was touching me until i was 13. I have flashbacks everyday, and I'm not sure if it's normal or why they happen or what they mean. The first time it happened i was in the ocean with him and i couldnt reach the floor so i asked him to grab my hand and pull me back and he did, but then i was suddenly in a tight bear hug and he reached under my bathing suit for a while. I tried to kick him, but the water betrayed me. I couldnt kick hard enough. After that he would do it everytime i had to sleep over my aunts house. In the middle of the night when everyone was sleeping he would stare at me for a long time and poke me down there, then he would lay on top me and hold my mouth and do other things. Sometimes i would black out. Im 33 now and for years i have problems with being around people, i hate to be seen or looked at. It feels like fire. Im also scared around all men i dont know. I cant really sleep, i have to take sleeping pills a lot. When the flashbacks start i have to hit myself to make them stop. When i was a kid my mom would hit me a lot. Which helped. Its easier when someone else is doing the hitting. Either way, im just confused and im not sure whats wrong with me. Im older, i should be better, but i dont feel okay. I'm not sure what my problem is. I never told anyone, because i cant destroy my family. It's a hard no for me. I decided that when i was 10. I still have to see him today and hug him when i greet him (it's a cultural thing) and he hugs me so hard and caresses my back. It feels gross. But he cant hurt me anymore. At this point im just trying to figure out what's wrong with my head and why i cant sleep.

Sweetie nobody here can diagnose you but you've been through so much. Please see a therapist who can help you through all this.

 

[Justmehere]

@Zoogal is right that no one here can diagnose. You have been through significant trauma. What’s holding you back from getting a diagnosis from a doctor or therapist and getting some help to work through this?

Do be very careful with the meds to sleep. Some can become addictive and cause dependency and any number of side effects.

 

[Angel328]

Idk. I just feel like it happened so long ago, i should be over it. I never thought to go talk to someone because i dont really like to talk about it and i feel its like calling attention to myself like im needy or incapable of managing my own feelings on my own. I dont feel like ive been through significant trauma at all. I dont see it that way for some reason. I just think that he was sick and my mother was angry and i was what made them both feel better in some way. People go through bad things all the time and some people externalize it and hurt others around them because they are in pain themselves. For me, i dont have that impulse, i internalize my issues and choose to only hurt myself to make myself feel better. I just want to know if there is a way i could stop the flashbacks and sleep without the struggle.

 

[NightSky]

Idk. I just feel like it happened so long ago, i should be over it. I never thought to go talk to someone because i dont really like to talk about it and i feel its like calling attention to myself like im needy or incapable of managing my own feelings on my own. I dont feel like ive been through significant trauma at all. I dont see it that way for some reason. I just think that he was sick and my mother was angry and i was what made them both feel better in some way. People go through bad things all the time and some people externalize it and hurt others around them because they are in pain themselves. For me, i dont have that impulse, i internalize my issues and choose to only hurt myself to make myself feel better. I just want to know if there is a way i could stop the flashbacks and sleep without the struggle.

Even if you understand why someone did something (which can be a coping mechanism) it doesn’t change what it has done to your brain and nervous system. Getting diagnosed and learning how to handle the flashbacks and other symptoms from a professional is the way to go. Trauma doesn’t pass with time. It’s frozen, and trust me, it doesn’t matter how many years ago it was, it doesn’t get better the older you get. You deserve to talk about and it and see it for the abuse it was and the way it has impacted your life. If you want to understand the science behind symptoms of trauma and why the passage of time doesn’t matter, I recommend reading The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk.

 

[Justmehere]

Idk. I just feel like it happened so long ago, i should be over it.

“Shoulding” on yourself doesn’t seem to be helping things get better. There is no set timeframe as to when people “should” getting over childhood sexual and physical abuse. Many are impacted decades later. You have a legit struggle and symptoms that are affecting you and you deserve compassionate support to get better.

I never thought to go talk to someone because i dont really like to talk about it and i feel its like calling attention to myself like im needy or incapable of managing my own feelings on my own.

It’s not about being needy. It’s about healing. If you have a broken arm, the most responsible thing to do is to get it casted. This is kind of like that. You went through serious trauma and have symptoms now. You are getting some treatment for a symptom in the form of sleeping pills. You are not responsible for what happened to you AT ALL, but you are responsible for the recovery.

I dont feel like ive been through significant trauma at all. I dont see it that way for some reason. I just think that he was sick and my mother was angry and i was what made them both feel better in some way.

What you went through is significant trauma, and even if it wasn’t, you have significant symptoms now.

For me, i dont have that impulse, i internalize my issues and choose to only hurt myself to make myself feel better. I just want to know if there is a way i could stop the flashbacks and sleep without the struggle.

Yes, there is a good possibility you can recover. Treatment to sort out a diagnosis and path forward is the first step.

 

[Friday]

i feel its like calling attention to myself like im needy or incapable of managing my own feelings on my own.

If you never hire a mechanic, see a doctor, go to school, etc.... then this makes sense. After all, hiring someone to help you with something is absolutely unacceptable, right? Your mind doesn’t need teachers, your body doesn’t need doctors, your car doesn’t need repairs.... all of that is just needy incapable selfish attention seeking. OR? It’s one of the many benefits to not living on a deserted island. Having experts you can hire to help you out with stuff.

 

[Angel328]

If you never hire a mechanic, see a doctor, go to school, etc.... then this makes sense. After all, hiring someone to help you with something is absolutely unacceptable, right? Your mind doesn’t need teachers, your body doesn’t need doctors, your car doesn’t need repairs.... all of that is just needy incapable selfish attention seeking. OR? It’s one of the many benefits to not living on a deserted island. Having experts you can hire to help you out with stuff.

I got your message, sorry for duplicating i wasnt sure which thread i should post in so i tried 2. Also, i didnt see the option of the "undiagnosed" thread in the forums. Thanks for letting me know. How can i get to the undiagnosed section to read others stories? The things u guys are saying are making sense. I think im just scared to go because people i dont know make me nervous. But i suppose i have to try in order to get over this hump. I just feel like the therapist is going to look at me like im disgusting. I know its silly. It's just what goes on in my head and it's overwhelming get past.

 

[Friday]

Putting on my staff-hat for a moment

I got your message, sorry for duplicating i wasnt sure which thread i should post in so i tried 2. Also, i didnt see the option of the "undiagnosed" thread in the forums. Thanks for letting me know. How can i get to the undiagnosed section to read others stories?

For help navigating the forum simply use Contact Us & staff can walk you through step by step, &/or or share links to the right Help pages :tup:

And taking it off, again...

The things u guys are saying are making sense. I think im just scared to go because people i dont know make me nervous. But i suppose i have to try in order to get over this hump. I just feel like the therapist is going to look at me like im disgusting. I know its silly. It's just what goes on in my head and it's overwhelming get past.

Not uncommon at all. There’s a really fantastic article on how to find a therapist right here >>> Finding the right professional for you <<< And if you glance about in the treatment & therapy forum you’ll see trust issues, guilt, shame, embarrassment, avoidance, etc., are all things people deal with pretty regularly.

 

[WillyKat]

There is light here in this forum. So welcome!

There's no timetable for when to be "over it". There's also no dealing with it w/o some professional help, as others suggested. "Should be over it" and thoughts that 'you should be able to handle this alone' is exactly what the abusers of the world want you to think. I used to think the same thing. But I learned that abusers thrive in a world where we are all isolated and never seek the support and love of the tribe. That's what keeps them safe and enables them to keep doing what they do. Thoughts of getting over it alone are their thoughts.

So do please go see a couple or more psychologists, then pick the one you feel most comfortable with (the chemistry between the two of you matters) and begin the journey. If you feel safer with women, then check out only female shrinks.

We here can and will support you. You're getting the support of a tribe. Coming here and posting is a huge first step. Congratulate yourself for that.

I understand that being with people makes you nervous. I feel the same way. A good therapist will ease you over that hump. And about being nervous around men, I'm a man and experienced the same (or similar enough) crap that you and many others have gone through.

About your family. There's no rule that says you need to have a conversation with them about it. You may at some point in the future consider that, but even then, it's up to you. In terms of family gatherings where the abuser is there, it's okay to make excuses and keep your distance. Do you think it's possible that he's abused other family members? These people aren't usually satisfied with just one victim.

Again, welcome to the forum! We're here for you.

 

[User88]

I’m sorry to read about what happened to you. Like others have said, if you have PTSD, it doesn’t get easier in time, the trauma remains frozen and unprocessed. I would suggest finding a psychotherapist, the first step could be going to your GP and they could signpost you. As my therapist reminded me this morning when I didn’t want to elaborate on something, she said “do you think I haven’t heard about this before? “ “do you not think this is something I’ve heard on an almost daily basis?” That made me feel reassured that she wouldn’t be disgusted or judgmental as it is her job to deal with this kind of thing and I’m not alone in my experiences.