Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[Ronin]

Heal vibes and kind thoughts your way, buddy.

 

[littleoc]

I missed a shift at work today. It’s bothering me.

I am feeling not so great at work. Took a break. Struggling with suicidal thoughts out of nowhere. Very nauseous, mostly. I probably should have just not shown up at all. Oh, well.

 

[littleoc]

@Ronin Thank you :D :D

 

[littleoc]

I probably should have just not shown up at all.

As in, I think I’m overwhelmed without trying to do well at work. My project I’m supposed to have worked on for three months is due tonight. My prof said to take the time I need, but I’m so frustrated. I feel like every time I start to actually be a part of a group or a part of society, something happens to prevent it.

I can’t afford bills this month at this point though, so I have to work. It’s fristrating.

 

[littleoc]

Itll pass though

 

[bellbird]

I'm so sorry things are so difficult right now.
I really really wish there was something that I could do to help, because you don't deserve all these difficult and stressful things.
Let me know if facetiming would help, I'm here for you :hug:

Otherwise, just really glad you've let us know how hard things are.
I completely relate to being frustrated about uni, I get like that too. I'm so mad at this damned illness for stopping us from reaching our full potential. It's really great your prof has given you more time though.
Do they know about how much you're needing to cover bills by yourself?
Maybe someone at your university could have an idea about next steps to take re that?

Do you feel safe enough that your suicidal thoughts will stay as just thoughts?
We'll figure this out, friend.
You mean so much to us. Please keep yourself safe.

 

[bellbird]

Itll pass though

Yes, it will. :hug: :hug:

 

[littleoc]

Do they know about how much you're needing to cover bills by yourself?
Maybe someone at your university could have an idea about next steps to take re that?

I tried that once, but they didn’t sound too sure about how they would be able to help. I suppose I could ask again.

Do you feel safe enough that your suicidal thoughts will stay as just thoughts?
We'll figure this out, friend.
You mean so much to us. Please keep yourself safe.

Yeah, they’re just thoughts. I am safe.

I did have the “I could work something out for my mom” thought but when I got home, she checked on me in five minutes when I took too long to pee (she’s worried about the gallbladder because I was unable to get proper treatment/diagnostics). So I remembered she’d be pretty crushed.

They aren’t really Suicidal suicidal thoughts. It’s hard to explain. There’s some part of my brain that is still convinced that if I make a wrong move, I’m risking my life. This time what triggered it was .... well, I dunno, but something about telling my manager that I was having health issues, and feeling like they didn’t believe me. I didn’t admit to missing the shift on accident, but in my defense I really was out of it. They told me over the phone that I was expected to come in for a shift and I agreed to without understanding that I did. I was laying on the floor of the waiting room with Nestle checking my face. I was legitimately unable to come in or understand that I had a shift.

But I feel like an imperfection and a severe inconvenience for it, to the point of having that dramatic low.

Or maybe it was the nausea meds they gave me? It’s a seratonin blocker. I didn’t take my nighttime dose. Ondansetron.

I was having trouble talking to the doc and she was distant from me after she tried calling my dog to her and I reacted very out of character by telling my dog to stop listening to the other human. That probably triggered something too. Any time I feel shunned by an adult my little alarm bells go off. It makes sense.

I’m in a lot less pain now luckily. Because she didn’t really give me anything. Taking Tylenol and ibuprofen at the same time. I refused the ultrasound because I’m still trying to pay one off from two years ago when I HAD insurance. And from that dumb lump in my armpit that still hurts, now prevents my pinky from moving, but which they told me was nothing. :/ I’m a little bit of a paranoid celery, though, and I in the doctors’ defense I couldn’t see anything abnormal either ?‍

Anyway, I regret opening up to people in power 100% of the time, which is wild because I used to be a manager.

Did I mention my manager yelled at me last week for something kind of unfair, right in front of a customer? I might be residually triggered from that also. I’m just trying to remind myself that this job probably won’t matter go my future at all.

And I did a lot of good things in my job so far and thats how I hope to be defined.

 

[littleoc]

You don’t have to read all that, btw, I’m just getting it off my chest!

Except the seratonin blocker thing — after getting that off my chest here I just realized I could call my Primary care (who I haven’t been able to see in two years...) and ask if she knows anything.

I’m going to try to block out my brain and go to bed. I need to write my goddamn paper.

 

[bellbird]

I was legitimately unable to come in or understand that I had a shift.

I believe you :) I know you're not the type of person who would just miss a shift otherwise.

Ondansetron

Oh yes they gave me this in the hospital after surgery! Does it help you?

Any time I feel shunned by an adult my little alarm bells go off. It makes sense.

Makes a lot of sense.
Your doctor shouldn't have called Nestle over though. You were right to be assertive there.

I’m in a lot less pain now luckily

I'm really glad to hear that.

Did I mention my manager yelled at me last week for something kind of unfair, right in front of a customer?

Sounds so awful.

Hoping you got some sleep.
Sending :hug: 's

 

[littleoc]

I was reading a biography of Neil Young and my grandpa showed up in the text

I hope I’m half as successful in life as a dude who gets mentioned in Neil Young’s biography (I can’t say for what here, sorry, too specific)

I’m very sleep deprived but that cheered me up and I wanted to share even though it will probably not have the same effect on y’all? But it might?? Cuz a family went from being victims to finding success and coping with everything that happened.

I dunno, he just really inspires me, I should probably go tell him in person. I always get excited when I find another place that talks about him

 

[littleoc]

Also y’all I finished that gosh dang paper, yay :D Got to mention my grandpa’s music business in it also lol

Btw the local hospital is hooking me up with a social worker so I can get some insurance so I can get my gallbladder looked at. 80% chance it needs to be removed but for right now I’m doing well. Headache from staying up all night tho

I hope y’all are having great days, thanks for being here