piratelady
MyPTSD Pro
In therapy, along with chipping away at the past, we’ve been working on my sense of self-worth. He started by asking me to journal every day with something positive. He kept trying to tell me what a good person I am, who didn’t deserve what happened to me. It triggered me really badly. I thought it was the fact that we touched on the period in my life when I was on my own making really bad decisions. Anyway, after therapy I got really dysregulated. I lashed out at therapist, at my friends here, I self-harmed.
We had to talk about that in therapy of course. He said he noticed that every time he and I start working on making positive changes and positive self-talk, this happens. So he thinks the trigger wasn’t talking about that period in my life, but our focus on positive life changes in the present.
So we are approaching it a little more gently. He wants me to try just saying ‘thank you’ when people compliment me. Then I was to make a list of the things I like doing -like self-care/pampering myself. Also, I was to journal about the standards I hold myself to.
In doing that, I noticed a theme. When it comes to thinking of myself in a positive light , and doing things that would improve my life now I get really upset, combative, and dysregulated. That’s when I usually sabotage myself. The more I think on it, I feel like I don’t deserve the compliments, or to improve my life now. Even things like losing weight, or succeeding in a new job, or starting writing projects I’ve wanted to do. I shouldn’t be doing those things. I deserve misery and loneliness. Anything that might change that is a no-go. I thought it was my perfectionism, but it’s just that I don’t deserve any good that might come from it.
I guess I never noticed before how strongly I felt about that. The realization makes me incredibly sad. I’m going to be 39 soon. That means 30 years after the abuse started, I’m still dealing with this. Can it even be changed? Should I even try? Can one change their core beliefs that have been engrained for that long?
We had to talk about that in therapy of course. He said he noticed that every time he and I start working on making positive changes and positive self-talk, this happens. So he thinks the trigger wasn’t talking about that period in my life, but our focus on positive life changes in the present.
So we are approaching it a little more gently. He wants me to try just saying ‘thank you’ when people compliment me. Then I was to make a list of the things I like doing -like self-care/pampering myself. Also, I was to journal about the standards I hold myself to.
In doing that, I noticed a theme. When it comes to thinking of myself in a positive light , and doing things that would improve my life now I get really upset, combative, and dysregulated. That’s when I usually sabotage myself. The more I think on it, I feel like I don’t deserve the compliments, or to improve my life now. Even things like losing weight, or succeeding in a new job, or starting writing projects I’ve wanted to do. I shouldn’t be doing those things. I deserve misery and loneliness. Anything that might change that is a no-go. I thought it was my perfectionism, but it’s just that I don’t deserve any good that might come from it.
I guess I never noticed before how strongly I felt about that. The realization makes me incredibly sad. I’m going to be 39 soon. That means 30 years after the abuse started, I’m still dealing with this. Can it even be changed? Should I even try? Can one change their core beliefs that have been engrained for that long?
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