Sufferer New and very anxious - Childhood trauma, teenage rape, ongoing SI, & being bullied at work is bringing it all up.

[osiris]

Hi, been reading content for a couple of weeks and trying to build my confidence up enough to post. Now I've finally joined I feel really sick and anxious about putting anything here. Eurgh. So hey, I'm new and scared!

 

[bellbird]

Welcome, @osiris !
I'm really glad you've found us.

Now I've finally joined I feel really sick and anxious about putting anything here.

I was there, once... exactly there.

Then I was met with such warmth and understanding from the folks here; understanding that just comes naturally, and that I just didn't get from folks -even my GP- in my offline life.

I hope the feelings of scared and new will fade soon.
You've taken a great step by posting here.

Now take some deep breaths and know that the hard part is over. You've found your people, and you're in great company :)

 

[osiris]

Thanks @bellbird
I have been trying to cope with an online crisis chat, but to keep going back to the same questions each time is even more stressful than speaking in the first place.
I feel ridiculous being so anxious. Just started therapy a few weeks ago and felt this sick over that too. Trying to get better feels like its more painful than staying the way I was right now. Rock and hard place I guess...

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum:)

 

[Freida]

Hi!

I was terrified when I first started sharing because I was afraid I would be found out.
Fast forward a year or so and now I can't imagine how I would have made it thru without the people here

And ya, recovery is tough and it gets worse before it gets better. Which sucks
But it's normal to feel like that, soooo... at least you are in good company :hug:

 

[Ronin]

Hi Osiris, new and scared.

From old & often scared too ;)
People round don't bite, promise.

But you might get an abundance of hugs & other goodies with good frequency. :)

 

[osiris]

I was terrified when I first started sharing because I was afraid I would be found out.

This. So. This.
I have gone incognito on google coz I'm in such a panic. Flips sake.

 

[osiris]

OK so before I bottle it any further.
It is about 16 years since I last had any therapy.
My current state is due to severe bullying at work by a colleague. I can't walk past them or the room where they work without my heart pounding and then having a full on panic attack (of varying degrees - sometimes I end up going to my own room, crying uncontrollably, locking the door and hiding on the floor behind the desk because you can see in through the door). I cannot sleep, I cannot stay still, I am angry all the time, jittery and on high alert. My fancy watch tells me my stress levels and heart rate are through the roof and abnormal most of the time, and I ended up in hospital thinking I was having a heart attack or stroke or something, but it was panic induced.
I am fairly suicidal most of the time, but I've lived with that forever so remain vaguely safe, self injured for 25 years (but currently three years SI free). Thought I had dealt with childhood abuse and teenage rape, but obviously not as they have come up in trying to sort the current situation.
*exhales*

 

[mylunareclipse]

I am so sorry @osiris first of all Welcome!
Second, I wanted to tell you that I completely understand you!
Workplace bullying is what brought me down in the end... I had panic attacks and I was extremely suicidal as you describe.
I just changed jobs two months ago and I am so much calmer!! Of course, I have a lot of therapy in the last few years and so I can deal with things more healthily, but workplace bullying is not joke!! I don't even think my therapists fully understood or believed the extent of how much this bullying was affecting me.
So please no matter what the next step is: please know that you are believed, and it's not your fault!
You might want to consider changing jobs, I know it's not easy (I didn't for many years - until I did for reasons unrelated to the bullying).
If you cannot change jobs, going to therapy will be vital to deal with this..and learn to redraw boundaries with such people!My heart hurts for what you're going through, but please stay strong!

 

[Sideways]

Congratulations on being 3 years SH free - that's a big deal. Are you thinking of maybe working with a trauma therapist to get you through some of this stuff that's resurfaced?

 

[Dutchman]

Welcome! I hope you can feel safe here & find support and understanding.

 

[Mee]

Welcome.

I think you are being really courageous.