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littleoc
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Thanks, dude :hug:
Yes, they have been. The note I wrote directly to my mirror is helping, too. Now to get a regular schedule back so I get all my work completed on time!
@somerandomguy Thinking of you also -- I hope you've been doing well! :hug:
I've been really suffering from impostor syndrome this week. I feel my writing skills are work ethic are not to the level of my classmates... you know, people who are 45 while I'm JUST turning 25 this year (on the 23rd!). It feels strange when my professor asks me to peer-edit my peers business plans for their freelance editing businesses and I lowkey am not an expert in this field at all. I suppose that's okay though. If I decide to become a freelance editor then I could ask these experienced individuals for help and they'd maybe remember that I tried to help them organize once.
I've also been bothered by a sudden realization that I feel like I can't share with anyone at all, ever, because it's inappropriate. I haven't been updating y'all as much about Brandi or Jamie lately. I've been talking about them with Scottie. But something really struck me about something Scottie and I both learned together while talking about her. First of all, with everyone she met, she slowly tried to isolate them and make them think that they were (1) in the wrong and (2) weird and in need to being more normal, which she could help with. She did the same thing to Scottie. The difference was that Scottie had the background knowledge to know that it was weird that Brandi was trying to pressure him into staying the night when he didn't feel comfortable doing so, and that it was odd that she was telling him that he "couldn't" be friends with people she disliked.
This made me realize something about Jamie: when she was working in a local restaurant, Brandi made her quit the job because it was "too stressful" for her (Jamie). She told me in private that Jamie was making too many "bad friends." She meant people addicted to drugs or who were bad influences, but I'm realizing now this was probably made up.
The second thing Scottie and I realized was... hard to hear? But also very validating and interesting?
Do y'all who were here long enough remember, remember me talking about why I didn't like Jamie? That she was psychopathic and killed baby animals for fun? That every animal she ever cared for mysteriously died?
Legit reasons to dislike someone. I was friends with Jamie and went to classes with her, and we genuinely enjoyed each other's company once because we had similar interests, backgrounds, and personalities. I just assumed Brandi was teaching me things I didn't know. But I've realized now. I never saw any of these "evil" behaviors for myself. They were all things Brandi told me.
Scottie and I both realized this because he was telling me a story of how Brandi tried to use the same "invisible husband" brainwashing things on him as she'd done to me. Scottie didn't believe she was playing a game (like I did originally) and also didn't care. He's very logical. He ended up telling her that he didn't believe her. He was very spooked by her very dramatic reaction -- her going pale and immediately covering up changing facts over the years by literally saying, "That's because Littleoc told me those things. Littleoc is a psychological liar and a psychopath. Sometimes, if you look at her, her eyes go blank, because her soul is evil." According to Scottie, she seemed to really believe that. This would have been when Brandi and I been dating for 3-4 years. Still a honeymoon phase, really. And she was calling me a psychopath not just to Scottie, but to other people who would listen.
When Scottie told me this, I realized that she had called Jamie a psychopath frequently. And I personally have never seen evidence at all suggesting she would be. She's certainly nothing like my dad. I've never seen her kill an animal.
She also told me, after she decided she hated Scottie and didn't want me talking to him anymore, that she knew deep down that Scottie was a psychopath. He was antisocial and hated people. When he was visiting me in my university, she did everything she could to prevent me from talking to him alone as well, until she got so tired that she slept in my dorm while Scottie and I went to dinner. Where she then texted me repeatedly to make sure we weren't talking about HER.
Scottie tells me he has a pet theory that Brandi noticed "psychopathic" symptoms in herself and knew something was up but put it on other people, in a way. I'm not describing it right at all, but you might be able to see what I'm saying? She was very good at projecting. She hated women, she hated gay people (while dating me, which in my opinion was kind of gay *shrug*), hated trans people, hated non-white people, hated herself -- etc etc.
It's weird to me that I didn't notice this before. I feel like there's so much about Brandi that I would have totally missed completely had I not talked to someone else who saw her for what she was before he got roped in.
I'm also incredibly thankful Scottie was not roped in, because Jamie was. But that's no longer my business. She sided with Brandi when I called her out on being abusive, saying my accusations were abusive because they made Brandi cry and "feel bad," and that's something I do have trouble with. But I definitely can't hate her now. I'm just glad I'm out though.
Scottie did look up her Twitter recently and discovered that she celebrated an anniversary with Jamie while she was dating me. She never celebrated anything to do with me.
I told Scottie that maybe this was because at this point it was "poly," but then I realized it wasn't. I was pressured into that relationship, Brandi was ashamed of me and never referred to me as her girlfriend to ANYONE, and it was messed up that she posted about her and Jamie and not her and me. For the entire ten years. And, it turns out, may have never even really told Jamie that she didn't break up with me.
I was upset by that obviously and wondered out loud why she was so ashamed of me and not Jamie, and Scottie tells me she was ashamed of Jamie too. Didn't mention DIRECTLY who the one year anniversary was with, and in a next post, referred to Jamie as her best friend and not a girlfriend. Meanwhile Jamie's social media was all about Brandi. Sounded familiar. Scottie's not planning on telling me more, don't worry. He was just so angry he wanted to look for his own benefit, but felt I should know how little she actually thought of me the whole time. Enough to never mention me once. Even referred to our animals as her animals, though I was the one doing all the care. I deserve better.
But back to what was troubling me most this week, that I feel like I can't share with anyone. I realized in private that I never had a good, normal sexual experience with this person at all. Like, I already knew that, but it just really hit me how odd and sad that is. Again, I was talking to Scottie about a few things (not this in particular) -- things that happened over the last couple of years that I never actually reported here, despite being on this website with an ACTIVE trauma diary at the time, because I didn't recognize it as abuse. It took Scottie saying it. But it made me realize that a lot of the things Brandi did surrounding sex was so messed up. Forcing me when I didn't want to, not respecting my boundaries, asking me to be ultra-respectful of her boundaries to the point of damaging my own self image (accusing me of being rape-y if I ever tried to initiate, but accusing me of not loving her if I didn't, or saying things like "see, I TOLD you you were straight, you're just lying to everyone"). It was painful for me. And not ever about me. My job was the same job I had with the pedophile. Pleasure someone else. Expect nothing in return. She would just tell me I was disgusting. She'd tell me she was ashamed it was with me, sometimes, but then immediately continue. I really hated it. It was horrible.
I guess the thing that was abuse that I didn't know was abuse is worth mentioning because it's affecting me this week, right now, because my sister is still doing it and guilting me into doing things that are costing me. I'll just say the one story Scottie called out as abusive first because it's like four in the morning and I want to write a post about tornadoes after this.
Long story short, Scottie and I were discussing why going pee sucks. I mentioned it's painful and sometimes when I can't go it results in significant pain elsewhere. A certain messed up muscle I'm supposed to be going to physical therapy for, such as kegel exercises, but the exercises and biofeedback was scaring me a bit. (He told me I am a braver man than he is because he would NEVER be comfortable doing what the doctors were asking me to do.) I also told him that at the time, my mom's house was so hoarded up that if we wanted to cook a real dinner and have real food, we had to go over to my sister's house. I didn't yet have a license so my mom was taking me and I did not get a say in how long we'd be there. I'd get uncomfortable (in pain) there after a while and ask to go home. The exercises were brand new so I was not doing as well in 2018 and frequently couldn't go, would be in pain, and then would be on the floor. The anxiety of being there made it worse.
There were times that I would start saying that I didn't feel well and wanted to go home. I didn't want to explain my physical problems (and now realize I shouldn't have had to). But my sister would bully me (feels like a strong word for this..) and tell me I didn't love her enough if I left, in a joking way almost, but half serious, and tell me I HAD to stay for movies and that I had no choice because I stay up late at home. I had to start lying about deadlines. But eventually on a very bad night I told her I needed to leave for medical reasons, and it escalated a bit into her telling her I needed to tell her why. I at the time thought "that's not really your business if it's not obvious to you why my insides are f*cked up" but let it go as me being odd or damaged or something.
When I told this story to Scottie he interrupted my story (which I was telling like it was somewhat funny and mostly a little annoying) to say, "Rebecca, that's abuse." Kind of threw me off guard. Made me realize that me being forced to go on this vacation when I didn't want to, was scared to because my service dog may not be able to handle it anymore, and because I'm not going because my sister wants to hang out with me but because she needs someone to push my mom's wheelchair... like, I'm sure she WANTS to hang out with me but she never said that. She even changed her guilt tactic when she realized my mom was hearing our conversation while she called, and she continued to demand instant plan changes when I warned her my brain couldn't handle it (I literally had a seizure) before revealing that she didn't actually need me to make plans with her, she was just getting me to agree. Etc.
I'm going anyway because at this point it's better for me to go, but I've warned her next time I won't. My final project for a class FOR MY MASTERS DEGREE is due that same week and I'm somewhat behind in the course because of tornadoes and my aunts' house fire. I'm almost completely caught up but I don't deserve this treatment anyway, now that I realize it's abuse.
I'll talk about what happened with that friend I tried to make later but it's along the same lines. I clearly have a pattern, which I have now recognized and can work my way out of. I don't need to do it immediately. Just once I have all the skills. I did put my foot down during part of the planning after Scottie pointed out how messed up that vacation planning was. I told her I'd be waking up to go at a reasonable time for me, not her, and I will have fun and take breaks for my service dog whenever I need to.
Side note, but I'm very upset that my mom's bad life decisions led to me not having a service dog in line, being trained, right now. Nestle is old. She's beginning to have troubles doing her tasks. I now have to ask the vet every time I take her, "Is there any reason I shouldn't ask her to be on duty?" It's messed up. I'm angry that my mom put herself first when it comes to the house. It affected everyone. Everything she does has. It's very upsetting.
Okay, that's definitely enough trauma talk. Now for tornadoes.
