internal
MyPTSD Pro
i've been wanting to do this for a while but i'm nervous, haha. ha. okay. and i also don't exactly how now to phrase what i'm going to be talking about. so please bear with me. there is unfortunetely no way to just "google" this stuff because it doesn't have a lot of concrete language.
and instead of like, having a f*cking mental breakdown today, i thought i might try opening up a discussion instead.
so there is something called perpetrator trauma or moral injury which is essentially what happens when you are forced to commit actions that are against your ethical believe systems or which are not, but later on your ethical systems develop and then you relize what you did was wrong.
a lot of the examples of this are soldiers and law enforcement who kill people and medical professionals who are involved in life and death decisions that they feel were morally incorrect via the institutional system. so in terms of what i am talking about those are both valid things but i am also interested in a broader perspective.
i'm not really looking for people to get into the details of their trauma because i expect that will be very painful (and is also not something i am consistently capable of doing my self). how ever if you wish to go into any details you absolutely can. but i am wondering if maybe generating discussion around this topic itself on a more metaphysical level may prove beneficial in some capacity.
so this has obviously a lot of room. i'm going to keep it very vague so that other people can participate in this because if i narrow it down or provide examples that will make it harder for people to respond. but i am not talking about what you feel. or how you relate to your abuser.
i am talking about things that you have physically done. such as hitting people, shooting them, raping them, killing animals, what have you. i actually i don't know what exactly the f*ck i'm looking for here. maybe just because there is a profound sense of being isolated with this stuff. and in particular, more narrowly, being forced to do something that you other wise do not or would not want to do.
it's really hard to talk about it. it's really hard to understand how common it is. and you end up in this prison of silence because you are ashamed of it. and i also apologize that this language is a little loaded and i'm making it more broad than what it typically is used for but again, there is not a whole lot of language to describe this stuff.
or if you have any resources or anything that you've come across that has helped you, please feel free to put it here. i think one of the most difficult parts of this in general is the intrusiveness of it-it impacts you on a level that is difficult to really express. committing violence is something that is that i think anyway, what we know about it, isn't quite there.
sorry, this is vague and i don't even have a good-handle on any of this or any of the language for it, so it's all f*cking messed up. my apolegies. but if any one has any thing they would like to contribute in any capaceity i would strongly welcome it. being isolated is one of the most challenging aspects of my trauma. and today has been particularly f*cking hard.
and instead of like, having a f*cking mental breakdown today, i thought i might try opening up a discussion instead.
so there is something called perpetrator trauma or moral injury which is essentially what happens when you are forced to commit actions that are against your ethical believe systems or which are not, but later on your ethical systems develop and then you relize what you did was wrong.
a lot of the examples of this are soldiers and law enforcement who kill people and medical professionals who are involved in life and death decisions that they feel were morally incorrect via the institutional system. so in terms of what i am talking about those are both valid things but i am also interested in a broader perspective.
i'm not really looking for people to get into the details of their trauma because i expect that will be very painful (and is also not something i am consistently capable of doing my self). how ever if you wish to go into any details you absolutely can. but i am wondering if maybe generating discussion around this topic itself on a more metaphysical level may prove beneficial in some capacity.
so this has obviously a lot of room. i'm going to keep it very vague so that other people can participate in this because if i narrow it down or provide examples that will make it harder for people to respond. but i am not talking about what you feel. or how you relate to your abuser.
i am talking about things that you have physically done. such as hitting people, shooting them, raping them, killing animals, what have you. i actually i don't know what exactly the f*ck i'm looking for here. maybe just because there is a profound sense of being isolated with this stuff. and in particular, more narrowly, being forced to do something that you other wise do not or would not want to do.
it's really hard to talk about it. it's really hard to understand how common it is. and you end up in this prison of silence because you are ashamed of it. and i also apologize that this language is a little loaded and i'm making it more broad than what it typically is used for but again, there is not a whole lot of language to describe this stuff.
or if you have any resources or anything that you've come across that has helped you, please feel free to put it here. i think one of the most difficult parts of this in general is the intrusiveness of it-it impacts you on a level that is difficult to really express. committing violence is something that is that i think anyway, what we know about it, isn't quite there.
sorry, this is vague and i don't even have a good-handle on any of this or any of the language for it, so it's all f*cking messed up. my apolegies. but if any one has any thing they would like to contribute in any capaceity i would strongly welcome it. being isolated is one of the most challenging aspects of my trauma. and today has been particularly f*cking hard.