The Stress Of Strangers And Large Groups

[Meli]

@Manic11

Well, Manic...

If your giving orders, than I have to go eat that bowl of ice cream, don't I? Thank you for your response.

In regards to productivity, I've been making lists of every single thing that I wish to do in a day. I mark them off accordingly, and adjust them throughout the day to reflect additional tasks. I'm being careful not to make my lists too large, so as not to create certain failure. On average, I've been completing 75% of my list each day, and I'm pretty proud of that number. The items on my list include everything from taking a shower to going to school online to playing Warcraft. Even the simplest everyday thing can be something I avoid, like that shower I mentioned. I feel successful in doing all those things even if no one else gives them any value. I've got to start somewhere, don't I?

You mentioned feeling like you've been holding your breath, and I wanted to say that's a feeling I know all too well. In fact, I literally hold my breath when I'm triggered. I tried to make my carer aware of that, so that he could recognize symptoms, but I'm not sure he's looking for that sort of thing. I have to tell myself to breathe sometimes, and it causes headaches and dizziness other times.

Thank you for expressing your intimate opinions; that's pretty hard to do. You're an inspiration for those of us who feel humiliated most of the time.

~Meli

 

[Meli]

I can so relate to everything that you said. I always need a day off after a big social time. I get burnt out from it, regardless of the type of experience or even how fun it was. Anything out of my "safety" zone causes an awful lot of stress and anxiety.

Hi Shiloh,

I've always forced myself to do social things because I thought I had to. I didn't know anything about PTSD or Depression until this year. I've informed my closest friends and family about my symptoms, and the one's who really care are being wonderfully supportive. I now have a way of explaining to them why I disassociate or avoid functions sometimes. Most of them no longer take it personally, and that's such a relief. Even their faces are different now; from a look that says "what the heck is wrong with you" to "how can I help honey". It's amazing what knowledge can do, and even more amazing how honesty and being forthright can change your life.

Even virtual social networks can trigger my anxiety. A woman posted something intimate on my boyfriend's page a few weeks ago, and it stunned me so badly, it was as if we were all at a party and I was helpless. It really was a major anxiety attack; complete with a racing heart, sweating, eyes darting around the room, and holding my breath. I took a few minutes to compose myself, texted my boyfriend (all the while telling myself to remain rational; he didn't do anything), and asked him to remove it. I made sure to ask him to explain to her correctly that my reaction is enhanced by PTSD and Depression, and not a reflection of my opinions of her (she's innocent, just overly friendly). He recieved a sincere apology, and I'm secure in the fact that she won't be posting future intimate comments. All's good! And I'm so proud of how I handled that! That was not me a year ago.

In my experience, it is helping tremendously to keep in mind at all times that a lot of my reactions and emotions are "not" rational, and that most people are understanding.

I wish you a moderate amount of pleasant socialization in the future. I'm proud of you!

~Meli

 

[Meli]

Hi Jesse,

First of all, you're not going crazy, and neither am I. Diversity exists in every single aspect of life in general. We are not like a portion of the population, but we do belong to a group of people who process life in a different way. FaceBook and moving back to my home town really threw me for a loop in the beginning. So many people wanted to chat, call, and hook up for coffee. I got excited when I first found them; they were old friends whom I'd known well in past years; but the second it came down to actual interaction, I choked on my own breath. The conflict between wanting friends and being able to have friends is tremendously difficult. I feel like a schmuck because I haven't called a friend I ran into over 6 months ago. We exchanged phone numbers, and even took a couple snap shots on our phones, but I can't bring myself to make a stupid phone call now. I adored her, and she is not judgmental in any way. So, why can't I call?

A few days ago I tried to explain this to my boyfriend/carer. He can't understand how I can visit the site of trauma with great success, and minimal anxiety after exposure therapy; but I can't call my friend or make an appointment with a new psychiatrist. He says anxiety is anxiety, and believes that I've overcome it. You said it's almost like you feel self conscious, but not exactly. How do you define that statement because for me, it hits the nail on the head. I think I doubt myself when in the company of others, I get scared that someone will do or say something that triggers me, but mostly I think it's performance anxiety.

My uncle named me as head genealogist for our reunions, and announced it at a reunion a couple years ago. Boy did I panick. He asked me stand up and speak about the family tree, and I flat out told him "NO" in front of everyone. My tone was every bit of "Are you crazy". But everyone there is family, everyone is known, and everyone loves me. No one was going to judge me, in fact they were eager to hear me speak about their ancestors. But I just can't do it. And that's something that I and everyone around will just have to accept.

My therapist suggested a group that meets in my area once a month to practice public speaking. Maybe I should check that out. It could help.

Good luck to you,
~Meli

 

[Meli]

I am always comparing the me before the trauma times to the me I am now. I always see my ability glass as half empty. It is extremely frustrating and I go through the depression and feeling bad about myself for not doing/being/acting good enough. Then, after a time, I try to think of the things I did that were healthy and showed a little bit of self capability. It is a struggle. I would never have accepted the invitation to begin with so I hope you recognize that is a big accomplishment someone could even fathom.

Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me hope that I might be able to handle more some day, go through some down feelings and reach out for comforting words afterward.

Hi PTSDT,

This might sound a bit silly, but I've had about enough of living by everyone else's standards and not getting the credit I deserve for the little things that I accomplish. I am now demanding virtual gold stars from my family and friends when I feel like I need reinforcement. I'll give you an example; my boyfriend and I had a disagreement the other day about how much I had gotten done. I completed my school work, and cooked supper, which were two items on my list that he could justify as being worthy of gold stars. But he looked at the entry that said "Nails", and said "you don't get credit for painting your nails". I almost conceded to that notion before I thought about how often I don't even take a shower, much less paint my nails or apply makeup. I absolutely deserve a gold star for personal hygiene, and making myself presentable on a daily basis. I can sink into depressions that last for weeks where I don't do anything with myself.

My theory on this is as follows; when so many average things are difficult for those of us who suffer from PTSD and Depression, we really do deserve recognition for not letting the disorder dictate our lives. That in itself is an honorable accomplishment. I could have laid in bed all day, or sat lifeless in front of the TV, but I didn't. I performed some mundane grooming tasks, and now I feel great... and pretty. With all the self worth issues, isn't feeling great and pretty a fantastic worth booster? If I feel good about myself, which is impossible sometimes, I feel good about my family, my neighborhood, my life, and my future. Happy Meli does the dishes, and greets you with a smile. Stinky, unshowered, unhappy Meli just plays Warcraft all day, and tells you about every little thing you do wrong. Which would you rather have? Lol!

I think painting my nails was a wonderful achievement, and you should think the same for anything that you do; even if no one else gives it any value. The more we do little things every day, the more we'll be capable of the bigger things, like keeping a house clean, or going to work every day. This is new to me, but I'm giving myself credit, and it feels good. And I'm not caving to standards for myself that I can't justify. Just because someone else is capable of doing something efficiently or faster or more consistantly than me, doesn't mean I need to crucify myself for it.

Sounds good in theory doesn't it? I wish you the best, and I'm awarding you 5 gold stars just for addressing your disorder, posting in these forums, and taking a shower. Hee hee! You deserve them! And thank you for responding to my post; I appreciate you!

~Meli

 

[Meli]

Hi Just Me Here,

I'd like to congratulate you for making it through the parenting of minor children; it can be so tough for us, in so many ways. My son is also grown now; 19 years old. I can remember not wanting to go to parent/teacher conferences or school programs because my mental state was just too far gone. But like you, I forced it, and I'm pretty sure it showed. That pasty smile never fools anyone, by the way. Hee hee!

I still avoid all kinds of functions, like the grocery store or some birthday parties (unless I feel obligated). Most of what I've done in the past has been for the benefit of my son, nieces and nephews, and other children I'm very close to. It seems that children do not affect me adversely. I can take a pack of kids screaming, bouncing off the walls, and incessently rambling all day long without so much as a fluttering of my heart. But give me just a little chaos in a group of adults, and I'm feeling anxious. As a mother, I feel confident that I can control my environment with kids. All my son's friends call me "Mom" and show a great deal of respect for my wishes, and so do my nieces and nephews. I don't worry at all about the chaos, and in fact it's comforting sometimes to know that they're in the house with me. Just the noise reinforces the fact that I'm not alone.

I too hated interacting with other parents as my son was growing up. I wanted to be there as he wrestled in tournaments, but I was apprehensive every time I stepped over the threshold into a school gym; especially one I hadn't been to yet. I always talked too much, yelled too loud encouraging the boys, and sometimes I would disassociate completely; focused on the match; and not be aware of a single person around me. I never made any friends at his functions, but there were a few parents I was forced to get to know because our boys became friends. I always kept in mind that I was a mom, I belonged with this group of other parents, and my son deserved to have me there. It really is the only thing that kept me going; my purpose.

Speaking of children; I found it very difficult to balance showing him my strength as a parent, and my needs a sufferer. How do you explain triggers, anxiety, and Depression to children? They have to live with it too, and they don't have a choice. I always kept communications open with my son, and it seems to have bonded us more so than most parent/child relationships that I know of. But it also affected him negatively. I've been told that Depression can be hereditary, and I fear the worst. My PTSD compounded the tendency I was born with, and my reactions may have given my son a predisposition for Depression as well.

I'd like to ask; do we explain PTSD and Depression to our children in detail, or try not to expose them to it? I'm really not sure if I did the right thing with my son. It has its pros and cons in my experience.

I'm glad parenting is enjoyable for you now; the social aspect of it is what I'm refering to, I'm sure you've always enjoyed being a parent in general. And I'm proud of you for all of your parental achievements. I was told by a counselor once that just raising my son was a huge achievement. I hadn't thought of it that way before, with all the poverty, failures, and conflict we had. She was right, and I do feel good about my acheivements in parenting now. I used to feel as if I failed him as a parent. Even if I feel that I could or should have done better, I could have done much worse as well.

Be proud of "not" doing your worst, instead of being disappointed in not doing your best. The word "best" is subjective. Who knows what the best even means? I'm doing good, and so are you.

Thanks for replying,
~Meli

 

[jesse]

Hi Meli thanks for the reply. I was thinking about your situation with not calling your friend and was wondering if you often procrastinate? Maybe not calling doesn't have anything to do with your friend at all but is about the feeling of procrastination? I say this because I am a world champion procrastinator and it sounds like something I would do. It's a form of anxiety. The more you procrastinate the worse the anxiety gets and the closer you get to making that call the anxiety level goes up. I do the same thing but on the occasions I try to prevent myself from procrastinating I feel a lot better. Don't beat yourself up about it because she hasn't called you yet either so it's not too late. Take care-Jesse

 

[PTSDT]

Thank you Meli,

I so much appreciate your sheer honesty. It is difficult to admit that I go sometimes 3 days without a shower or doing anything but making myself eat and listening to my therapy tapes and anything that is homework for therapy. I guess I gleaned something new and really valuable from your post.

The fact is that I have been more courageous than "normal." Therefore, I do deserve to think that everything I do is important. More important than normal! I really appreciate your way of describing these things. I am better than just normal.

 

[Meli]

Hi Meli thanks for the reply. I was thinking about your situation with not calling your friend and was wondering if you often procrastinate? Maybe not calling doesn't have anything to do with your friend at all but is about the feeling of procrastination? I say this because I am a world champion procrastinator and it sounds like something I would do. It's a form of anxiety. The more you procrastinate the worse the anxiety gets and the closer you get to making that call the anxiety level goes up. I do the same thing but on the occasions I try to prevent myself from procrastinating I feel a lot better. Don't beat yourself up about it because she hasn't called you yet either so it's not too late. Take care-Jesse

Hi Jesse,

Procrasti-what? They have a real word for "Meli-inating" people? Just kidding! I too am world class. And no, it doesn't have anything to do with my friend; I loved her to death, and she loved me. It's that initial and irrational fear of rejection, or failure, or the doubt in myself that I percieved her wishes incorrectly. Example; what if she was just being polite, and really doesn't care to hook up with me again; or what if it is too late now, and it would be extremely awkward to try and explain to her why I didn't call sooner if she asks. Some people want you to explain yourself all the time, like "why didn't you answer my call", and I have a hard time lying when I really don't want to say "I was in a major anti-social depression, and ignored you". So, I procrastinate even longer because of the added fears of explaining myself. I thought about texting her to avoid personal contact; you know, ensuring my escape route; but I don't like that idea either. It's too impersonal for such a dear lost friend.

Even in the case of phone calls, where the person cannot physically see our symptoms, do you worry that while you're on the phone you'll be shaking and sweating (or whatever alternate physical symptoms that you have), and they will know that something's wrong with you? Is that ever a reason for you to procrastinate regarding contact, whether it's a friend or an insurance agent? Or is it simply to avoid the symptoms all together because they're uncomfortable to you personally? I worry that someone will find out that I'm not stable; friend or agent, it doesn't matter.

I'm going to take your advice, and not beat myself up for not calling her. It is true that she hasn't called me yet. I'm also going to put that phone call on my list of things to do everyday until I find the courage to do it. I hope it's soon because I've missed her, and she could be a great new way to get out and be active socially.

Thanks Jesse, for your kind support and encouragement,
~Meli

 

[Meli]

Thank you Meli,

I so much appreciate your sheer honesty. It is difficult to admit that I go sometimes 3 days without a shower or doing anything but making myself eat and listening to my therapy tapes and anything that is homework for therapy. I guess I gleaned something new and really valuable from your post.

The fact is that I have been more courageous than "normal." Therefore, I do deserve to think that everything I do is important. More important than normal! I really appreciate your way of describing these things. I am better than just normal.

That's right PTSDT,

You are so much more than normal. You're here, you're in therapy, and you're showing improvements that you can recognize. Half the battle in the disorder is being able to realize your symptoms, and then admitting that they need changed. We think irrationally, and we run on emotion; therefore if we act badly or neglect responsibility, we are able to justify ourselves using our symptoms because we believe our irrational thoughts to be true.

I personally gained a ton of weapons to be used against this very way of living by participating in cognative therapy. I look for evidence that supports my emotions and thoughts. I ask myself if I'm being reasonable in my expectations of a situation. And most importantly, I ask myself if it's possible that I instigated or inspired a negative situation with my actions. I do this all the time now, and I'm so very proud of how I'm handling most things. I'm stronger, and more confident in my decisions and actions.

It is difficult to admit the things we do or don't do. Believe me, I know. When I first met with my therapist, I was absolutely terrified. I thought "How is he going to help me, if I can't spit out what I'm doing"? After only a couple of sessions, I realized that he didn't care what I was doing on a personal level, that he only cared that I recovered. I do have a great deal of difficulty revealing some of those humiliating habits to people who aren't affiliated with the disorder, but in my sessions and here on these forums, I'm one amongst many. My close friends and family, as well as health providers and fellow sufferers, are already past the initial shock and dismay of our experiences and habits. In fact most of them have thier own. I find it extremely comforting to discuss these issues with people who can relate or are educated in the matter. I don't feel like a freak anymore.

As far as the showering goes, don't sweat it. You're beautiful whether you're showered or not. BUT, keep in mind that looking and smelling good is an excellent way to set the tone for the day. If you can feel good about your appearance, you're more likely to feel good about yourself in general. But do it for yourself, and not because someone is badgering you about it, or calling you stinky. What matters is your love for self, and your ability to feel confident in your own skin. The two really do go hand in hand.

I feel great when something I post inspires someone else. If I can help in any way, I'm always willing. And that great feeling is it's own reward, boosting my self confidence. It's all good, any way you look at it. So, thank you for reading and engaging in conversation. It's good to spill your guts a little, and put those personal things out there. You'd be surprised how much support floats back to you, and the number of friends and acquaintances you pick up along the way. No judgement here, just encouragement and rewards. But please do be picky about who you reveal things to, and how much information you put out there. My rule of thumb is to only reveal what I can justify while in a rational and calm state of mind. It helps to keep things clinical and/or lighthearted as well. It's not so painful or humiliating that way.

I'm glad you could glean anything from my post,
Wishing the best for you,
~Meli

 

[jesse]

Hi Meli. How did you get into my head and type out exactly what I think about every social interaction I have? LOL Seriously I feel the same way. You know what? Sometimes those fears come true. It has happened to me a lot. The really good thing about an old friend though is that they have already proven themselves. Otherwise they wouldn't be an old friend. Maybe give her a little credit and don't suspect that she is judging you just yet. Feel out the situation when you talk to her and trust that you can tell when it's safe to let your guard down. Doesn't this illness suck big time? I'm so glad you shared this because I feel like I'm crazy and it's all me most of the time. It really helps to hear other sufferers talk because I start to realize it is the illness not us!

 

[Meli]

Hi Jesse,

I try to sneak into everyone's head at some point or another. Hee hee! It's so fun and interesting to empathize and find commonalities in people when they appear to be so different. That first statement was humor for the most part, but it does have its truth. Maybe our hobbies don't complement each other, and maybe our personalities are miles from each other, but I believe you can find common interests and beliefs in anyone if you just look deeper. It's that diversity in people that intrigues me the most, and I for one love to walk in others' shoes.

How true that "old friends" are old friends because they're trustworthy. And why do we care SO much about what other people think? I think it's because we doubt ourselves in the first place, and confirmation of that doubt is devestating to our already damaged self worth. The old adage of getting back on the horse after falling off is so applicable here. So what if we misjudge someone's interest in our companionship, what's the worst that will happen? They'll avoid us, or struggle to find conversation when we call? Is that such a huge failure on our part? Rationally, I don't think so, but the trouble with this disorder is in the irrational anxiety. It really is a handicap. Maybe if we can prepare ourselves by placing the opinions of others in their proper place as to who this person is to us, we can better manage the anxiety of calling or initiating the contact in the first place. Some of my fears are just plain ridiculous; like fearing what a group of strangers will think of me when I know darn well that I won't ever see them again. That thought makes me shake my head just to think about all the things I've passed up for just that reason.

Maybe a self pep talk will do the trick. I'm skilled in conversation, my vocabulary and comprehension are worthy, and I am interesting to a fair amount of people. In situations that do not produce pressure; when no one's assessing me; I can absolutely carry a conversation all by myself. There are college courses in the art of communication, why do we worry so much about it when we can just educate ourselves on the topic?

You are absolutely right when you say that I will know when to let my guard down. It is ultimately my choice to continue the relationship or to let it go. If it's not what I thought it might be, then I can simply move on.

Thank you so much for the encouragement. Simple words can be so effective and comforting. And just so you know, it's quite comfy in your head. I like what you've done with the decor! Hee hee!!

~Meli

 

[Sorrento]

Being told I'd have to share a bed would be enough to freak me out. No wonder you needed a break when you got home.