General Do I Step In?

[xxarmywifexx]

Some of you know that my DH has PTSD from the War...I am his Caregiver. Anyway, the issue lies with confrontation. There are time when he gets faced with unleashing his anger at the next person for just looking at him cross. Do I step in? What do I say?

Recent extreme example: My DH has a small service dog. We walk in to a local head shop and get confronted by a staff member telling us that dogs are not allowed. DH calmly replies "This is my service animal"...back and forth happens I can tell DH is getting upset. Toker (his service dog) is pacing at this point, one of his distressed signals. I try to calm him. End of the story, is in that store, the rules were no dogs of any kind. My husband just lets it go..."Do I have to tell you that I'm disabled. Here are my cards do you want to see them? No, don't answer that...Let me show you (takes out his wallet and shows him all his ID's). Have you been to War, Sir? Have you heard of the Tri-angle of death, I build that. Yea, and you telling me that after that I can't bring my service animal that helps me keep my PTSD in line into a store where I'm going to spend my S.S Disability money in...come on...wtf?" The Guy is torn to pieces it seems. Ends okay (no police were called) for us though, we buy our stuff and exit...while my husband rants about never returning.

My DH has reason. Made me so angry that they wouldn't let a service animal in that store. But my question is where do I step in...do I see the confrontation coming and defuse it? Do I wait for him to resolve it without me holding his hand. At one point my compassion fatigue set in and I just was watching this and feeling all his pain, his anger and wanting to punch the guy. *sigh

This doesn't happen often, because it's not often we leave our home. But I need some advice. I don't want to tell him what to do in these social confrontations/situations. I wouldn't be helping him. But he really lets these people have it. I'm pretty sure this guy had to toke one after. :eek:

Help!

-xxarmywifexx

 

[hopelives]

I personally would have told my husband to calm down and told the other guy that in to uncertain terms quietly but firmly that the animal is a service animal and that it is discrimination for them to make him not take it in the store.

I do believe that although your dh has PTSD the other guy was doing his job. There is no need to tear the guy apart. But if the guy is rude than you have the manager arrive.

I hope that you dont have to deal with that again.

 

[seedling]

I do agree with sickofit, there would have been a better way to handle it.

I can also see that there was truly a provocation in the situation for both of you. Stuff like this happens when people (PTSD or not) get pushed. They did let the dog in afterward - so is the rule bendable if you stand up for your rights? Or if you prove the disability? What if the guy had stayed calm and said, no, really, there are no dogs allowed.

In the grand scheme of things it's always best to treat people well - he was just doing his job. But on the other hand you were the customer and had a legitimate reason to bring the dog in without having to explain or leave without the things you wanted to purchase. Your husband didn't punch the guy, I'm sure he scared the hell out of him. Oh, well. Maybe he didn't believe the dog was really a service animal. In the "the customer is always right" scheme of things it would have been better to let it go.

At the point where you are also angry, maybe feeling defeated by the idea of how to figure this one out (once again) - just staying as calm as you can is a victory. If you can react to defuse the situation it might work and calm everyone down. If you can't, don't beat yourself up about it.

If it's not visually obvious that your husband is disabled and that the dog is a service dog, maybe the two of you can come up with a plan to deal with the situation if it comes up again.

Glad to hear your husband has a service dog:)

 

[lovinbiker]

maybe the two of you can come up with a plan to deal with the situation if it comes up again

I would have to say that sounds like good advise to me, I have to say that you did well yourself to stay calm so well done.

You would say that staying calm is the key to a lot of these type of situations. It seems a ridiculous rule that they dont allow any dogs at all!

I would if it happens again, stay calm and try and look at it from a 3rd person point of view. What I mean is if your right in your position then stand your ground but be calm so that you can keep your DH calm too.

If this where me I would write to the top person of the store to complain about such ridiculous rules.. but thats just me :D

Oh yes love the dogs name :)

Take care LB

 

[AdamAnt]

I would think this would be happening frequently...most stores don't allow pets, so why not anticipate it?

Print the information on a little piece of paper you can hand them to read, could save time and "head"aches!:)

 

[Tinyflame]

I would guestimate your husband may have felt ashamed for lack of a better term, that he had to then point out to some stranger (and one whom already seemed to be not getting it and may have appeared to him to have little experience with 'life' let alone war, death or trauma) that he is "disabled". A trigger, if you will, for feelings over-the-top of just running out of patience. For most or at least many people, and most men, such a 'designation' may feel (to them) very demeaning and can be a relection (again, to them) on their self worth, ability to work (and provide for their spouses and families), etc.

I realize that you have to be civil, and you did great. This doesn't really answer your question directly, but it may be one example that hits home, more so than just routine anger-management. Common sense would dictate keeping one's head, but that may explain why it was more emotional for your DH than just losing his temper. It's a bit of a judgment call on that one, I realize.
-JMHO.

 

[xxarmywifexx]

Wow, such insight. I guess that is why I came back to this site after so long. Thank you all. I will come up with a plan with him and the whole note writing thing is a great thought. ;) I did call the Manager the next day and he wasn't in the store. I did speak with the cashier who checked us out and told us to come back anytime with our service animal. So...even if the Manager said it was store policy he was willing to make the exception? We've been going to that store for years and the cashier knows us...he even threw in a few extra lighters. And this head-shop only gives one with purchase.

Junebug - Interesting point of view. I guess I never thought of his anger in that light.

As his caregiver, I have found that in the few times that this happens (of course with 2 children in toe) I keep him in my sites and I take careful note of body language and tone of converstation. When it first started he had a handle on it, I was quite proud actually. He explained the the gentelmen that it was his service dog. The guy didn't get the whole service dog thing...so my guess is that DH had to break it down. I forgot to mention that he went into the store about a month ago with Toker alone and ran into the same issue with the store manager. No, we he was never kicked out (this time or last).

On the way home from this altercation he was calmly amused. Less angry then I thought he would be in the car. Toker was calm. I told him that I felt he was a little harsh on that man after all he didn't know DH had a run-in with the manager a month ago. He simply said, I'm paving the way for other disabled veterans... I don't even know what to call that? Selfless? Wanting to prove something?

My DH regards to himself as a genius. Is this normal? He tells me all the time that he sees things people don't and when the oppertunity presents itself he feels he has to enlighten people. I would have to say 98% of the time he "wins". I think mostly people feel they can't handle him and as long as he isn't doing something bad they leave him be. I have friends that tell me DH is a good person he just sez juvinille things at times. Stuff to me that is "normal" because I hear them all the time. Often times I see things from both sides of the coin. No need to bring the harsh realities to people that don't have anything with it.

"Be kind to people, cause you never know what path they walk."

I love this...I just can't get DH to hear it. I feel bad for that man, that night even though I'm not a religious person I said a prayer for him. He was truly disturbed...he just wanted to help and do his job.

-xxarmywifexx

 

[Nicolette]

As his caregiver, I have found that in the few times that this happens (of course with 2 children in toe) I keep him in my sites and I take careful note of body language and tone of converstation. When it first started he had a handle on it, I was quite proud actually. He explained the the gentelmen that it was his service dog. The guy didn't get the whole service dog thing...so my guess is that DH had to break it down. I forgot to mention that he went into the store about a month ago with Toker alone and ran into the same issue with the store manager. No, we he was never kicked out (this time or last).

While I agree with what others have said I resonate most with Junebug's response.

I also have a two pronged thought about this - one is that it is up to your DH to manage these situations himself (as it is inadvertendly exposure therapy) as you can't be with him and 'watch him' all the time I would still be tempted to actually make an appointment to find out the law on service dogs and, if within your rights, I would then (without DH knowing) either write or make an appointment to see the store manager if it is a store DH will frequent in the future.

My other thought is that of what Seedling said, and when DH is calm and nothing else is going on, bring up the situation and talk about your options and ask him what he thinks would make it better for him and what he could also work on (again I would be armed with the definite knowledge about the law on service dogs prior to this conversation).

 

[xxarmywifexx]

From what I have researched as long as you have control (on a lease and no defication) of your "Service" dog you don't need a certification (we do have one) or have the dog marked. According to the ADA no one has the right to ask one what the disability is.

Great advice, Nicolette! Exposure therapy...heck that is awsome. I use to feel bad about not handling his confrontations and I even feared that it would get out of control at times. He can be a hard person to reason with if the other person is unwilling to see his point of view...valid or not. We will not be returning to this shop anytime soon. I will have a conversation with the manager when he gets in. This shop is about two and half hours away from us. We went back to get my glasses near where we use to live a year ago. So making an appointment with the store manage wouldn't be possible for me. I don't leave the house without the rest of my family usually. Him going to the store last month without me was unusual but only because he was in town to end his relationship with his family. He didn't want me to come.

 

[Nicolette]

He can be a hard person to reason with if the other person is unwilling to see his point of view...valid or not.

Reminds me of someone I know :p

So now armywife you have answered your own question:

1. It's not worth making more of an issue of it as you rarely go there
2. You need to let him work out how to handle his situations - even if he does stuff up at times and to be perfectly honest, I think that is better than getting involved as if you do you then get dragged into the after affects. As in, if you say nothing and don't butt in and let what happens evolve DH can only look at one person....he is a big boy after all.