Please Explain Christmas / Holidays To Carers

[Nicolette]

As I Carer and a member of this forum, I have noticed that during what is commonly known as 'silly season' PTSD Sufferers tend to struggle more.

Every year I can pick when the downhill slide will start and watch it. What is it about this time of year that brings out the lesser qualities of a Sufferer? How does a Carer deal with it when it is supposed to be a 'happy' and 'festive' time? What is the overloading factor here? Is there anything we can do to make this time a little gentler on all concerned as I am beginning to dread Christmas rather than have the excitement it used to hold for me.

Would any Sufferer care to enlighten me please?

 

[Darkness Shines]

For me it's the emphasis on family. Hearing acquaintances talk about their families. I get enraged when people complain about their wonderful families. Yes, I understand your mother burned the turkey, but my mother burned ME, so perhaps you'll excuse me for not commiserating. :mad:

And it's a super-stressful season for most people, I think. This may not be true for anyone else, but if the people around me are stressed out about making holiday plans, it raises my stress level a great deal. And the crowds bother my brother a lot.

How can a carer deal with it? I'm not sure. My husband hates the holidays as much as I do and counts down to New Years, lol. He's told more than one person to shove their holiday cheer where the sun very rarely shines over the last month.

 

[atl22]

Crowds are the worst for me. The hyper-vigilance is exhausting. Scanning people, looking for exits and weapons, memorizing license plates, watching my angles, watching the reflections in windows and chrome, watching the shadows of moving figures as they advance from behind, seeing 360 without being obvious, using peripheral vision, keeping my hands empty.

I hate distrusting people. I just hate it. I don't want to analyze their every move. When I stay home, it's just easier. I can imagine all the smiling faces and not feel the need to defend myself. I don't usually shop, I go get things. I decide what I want, I find out who sells it, I make sure they have it, and I go get it like a surgical strike. In and out.

Also, with my family, there is a whole group of years that we can not talk about in front of the kids, which leads to many awkward moments. I suspect that this may be true for other Sufferers - what can't be talked about, but what is sitting there right in the room with you.

 

[anni]

I start driving mine crazy right around the time we start talking about the family getting together. Between his and mine, there are dynamics which just plain make me feel like crap one at a time- together and just thinking about it can make me wish to crawl under the bed with a stuffed animal and resurface sometime in Feb. I think there are differances, in sufferers, too. I'm so reactive to possibly making mine suffer along with me, I'll fake the cheer, knowing he's watching me, and end up with an even bigger meltdown not wishing to PTSD all the hell all over him. I'm very bad at this, hence driving him crazy- he knowssss what's coming. :)

Everyone's different- and I'm just knee-jerk likely to blame myself so probably not the single best person to ask. I do know it's up to us as sufferers not to PTSD all the hell all over others in the end as much as possible, however, and give our carers a friggin break and a nice holiday. That's not pointed at yours, but at me, as usual. It's also an across the board observation- 'as much as possible' is what it is for each person, you know? I've also got some ridiculous surgery coming up like 3 days after Christmas, so mine has his hands full at the moment convincing me I'm not going to actually die- hard to seperate the anxiety in this head at the moment for me, my poor husband must feel like he's in some PTSD corn maze, screaming.

I hope it's a nice holiday, in the end, sans stuffed animals. Do take care of yourself also!

Anni

 

[cherryblossom]

Firstly Anni, I hope your surgery goes ok. All the best.

For me it's the change of routine, that stresses me out. Christmas is a change of routine, with not much to do. Several adults, in one small house, for several days, gets claustrophobic for me. I need my alone time, and that's just not possible - that's what stresses me out. I enjoy my solitary pursuits, they keep me calm. I don't like to be surrounded by constant noise, chatter, and people constantly wanting my attention. But if I bury my nose in a book, or in the computer, or go for a walk on my own people assume it's either rude, or there is something wrong.

 

[Tinyflame]

It's hard to explain, for me maybe feeling like you don't 'fit', anger around you (people overtired and short-tempered), people telling you to explain to them why Christmas is a 'good' thing, focus on family that's not applicable, more drinking/ fighting, not easy to relax, feeling somewhat down/ square-peg-in-a-round-hole-ish.

 

[Sethe]

Well, I was tempted to respond with something like, 'Because Xmas just sucks', but I know better. How would that be helpful?

I think a few people really hit the proverbial nail(s?) on the head.

1. It is an incredibly stressful time and we all know that sufferers do not do well with stress. There are more people around- in malls/shopping areas, traffic is more congested. There's just too much to 'watch' and focus on during this time (to protect ourselves). I actually develop 'eyeaches' because I'm looking around so much when I shop.

2. It's usually about family. A lot of us (from what I've been reading here), but not all, derived most of our trauma from family members. For those who didn't, maybe it's hard to be close to people knowing that they may not be here the next day? Or maybe it has something to do with letting our guard down?

3. Patterns change. I think this mixes with #1 a bit. New people in the house? New routines? New stressors!

I think the 'overloading factor' is different for everyone. I suppose that after years of observation, a carer could develop a framework to use in analyzing what would put a sufferer over the edge, but that just sounds so stilted, cold and mechanical. As much as I'd love to incorporate Math into this, I don't think it would be helpful.

My advice? Be there. I can only speak for my experiences and I do know that having my bf near me (literally physically) will help me immensely. He is there to take the pressure off of me when I'm grilled by the folks by talking with them so they don't talk with me.

He's very understanding and reminds me that we don't 'have' to do things. We could stay home if we want. He reminds me that I have options.

Talk with each other. Communicate. Come up with an 'escape' plan ;) if you're attending a family function that is highly triggering. You might want to come up with 'code' words if it's a truly intense family gathering.

I think developing some kind of healthy and safe routine for just the two of you (or however many) is also a wonderful idea. Have a small celebration that you both build together that is based on secure moments.

Of course, nothing is 100% foolproof. I think understanding goes a long way. I am thankful and lucky to have someone who is very understanding AND patient. I still don't know how I lucked out in that department.

 

[sarahts]

For me its not having a family to ''celerate'' this time of year with. Its the way some people have an expectiation for us/me to feel happy and let go and just be in a merry state of mind. Trying to put on a smile (a fake) smile is painfull and it feels like i have to conform to the views and happynes like everyone else.For me I think its seing some happy , togetehr familys walking down the street when i realise well , thats not the case for me so id much rathe hibernate untill the whole ordeal is over. sarah

 

[cherryblossom]

Sorry - I didn't answer the second part of the question.

I guess the best thing a carer can do is to ask the exact question that you have Nicolette. Ask your sufferer if they can identify why their symptoms are worse this time of year, and ask them what could be done to make things easier. If they can't answer perhaps you could offer suggestions, based on the replies given here. I know us sufferers tend to shut down, but communication needs to work both ways, even if the sufferer only says that they need to be left alone. Being a sufferer does not give us the right to stop communicating, even if it's hard for us to do. Our loved ones and carers support us 100%, and as sufferers we need to give a little back, to our carers, by at least letting them know how they can help us. Just my opinion.

 

[atl22]

I didn't answer the second part of the question either so here it is.

I trust my Carer completely so when she says that it will be all right, it really helps to calm me down. I believe her. I just need to hear it because my mind is thinking of ways to kick the Christmas tree through the front window.

She also understands that sometimes I just need to get away before I lose it. Sometimes just a few minutes away makes a world of difference. Then I can come back and put the fake smile on my face and pretend that everything is all right in front of the kids. They deserve a drama-free holiday.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oops, I didn't 'see' the 2nd question, either. So I guess that's the answer: be patient if possible and realize 'we' might not be absorbing everything (overload).

I agree most with Sethe's suggestions. But I think if you are around somone safe/ calm/ gentle/ non-threatening/ 'peaceful- interiorally', or better still 'positive'- as in not-necessarily-happy but not extremely critical (of you +/ or everything), it helps a lot. And who doesn't give up on you (because a sufferer's feelings may change quickly). Anything that helps you relax/ have fun/ let down your guard/ laugh etc. And if a 'carer 'can be flexible- that's huge.

Yikes I don't know if any of this makes sense- that's another thing- maybe ('we') can't verbalize things that well but that doesn't mean we are not thankful or taking 'your' cue- that's a huge part, too.

 

[shadowchaser]

Everything changes. The houses the people everything. And alot of people think I should be more excited then I am and inadvertently try to change me also. I can not remember ever being over excited about the holidays (except Halloween cus it gives me a chance to hide for a day). To me it is a lot of noise, people, and triggers. I do my best to get happy about it but especially since I lost my son I have no drive or patience for the holidays.