Relationship The Price Of PTSD On Relationships

[Iron_Angel]

Long distance relationships are very hard indeed. I think all you can do is just tell him sort of in the same way you just told us. Start with "I love you." and tell him what is in your heart. It may cause him a bit of stress to read it, but he needs to know how you feel. After that, you have to let him decide. It takes two people to make a relationship, and if he doesn't want to participate -- even a little if that's all he can manage -- then you have to accept that and move on.

I know from dealing with my friend that his PTSD caused him to push me away, hard, a few times. I wasn't willing to abandon him, or leave just because he was telling me to go. I knew it was his disorder talking, and not him. But I did tell him that if he really did want our relationship to be over, then he had to make that clear in a way I could understand, and I'd respect his wishes, even though I didn't want us to break up. Him saying "It's not fair to you to be in a relationship with me" was something I would not accept. It was a noble gesture, and I told him I appreciated him thinking about my welfare like that, but he wasn't going to be able to get rid of me that easily.

As you've probably learned from elsewhere on this site, PTSD is forever. There's no "cure" but the symptoms can be lessened and the effects controlled to some degree. Be sure you have thought long and hard about your willingness to live with it and cope with it as a factor in your relationship. Your friend is giving you an "out" if you want to take it. Now is your time to decide if you really want to be involved with him. If you do, then tell him so.

Good luck to you. I hope it works out for you. Hugs!!

 

[ldr helper]

Well I tried it, I told him that I would wait, be patient, be supportive , that I love him and that I have a big enough support group to handle my needs elsewhere. He still wants to remain broken up. He is experienceing a huge amount of stress, his entire life is about to go through a major overhull, after 5 years of living and working in Iraq as a contractor (after being there for 2 years with the Army) he is coming home for good. He will be starting his own business here and he has a 6 year old son that will need time too. So I know exactly what triggered the PTSD this time, all the this stress. He says now that having a relationship at this time just adds more stress and he can not meet my needs anyway so we are better off waiting to see how he feels later and then if it might work for us. He still wants to talk, we really are best friends. I still love him of course so I still want to help him. Any suggestions without overstepping the friend line that he has drawn?

I so appreciate any advice!

 

[Iron_Angel]

I'm sorry to hear that Idr, but you've done all you can. It's a good thing that he still considers you a friend he can talk to. The best thing you can do then is just be there for him and let him set the terms of what he feels that friendship should be. How would you normally act with a best friend? It does sound like he has a lot to deal with, and of course his priorities have to be getting work, taking care of himself, and looking after his son.

If you are willing to wait until he decides whether or not he wants to move forward, that's up to you. It wouldn't hurt to look around a little bit yourself when and if you feel ready to do that. We carers are always being reminded to look after ourselves as well, so be sure to do what you need to do for yourself. You deserve happiness as much as anyone else.

I wish you all the best. Hugs!

 

[ldr helper]

I'm sorry to hear that Idr, but you've done all you can. It's a good thing that he still considers you a friend he can talk to. The best thing you can do then is just be there for him and let him set the terms of what he feels that friendship should be. How would you normally act with a best friend? It does sound like he has a lot to deal with, and of course his priorities have to be getting work, taking care of himself, and looking after his son.

If you are willing to wait until he decides whether or not he wants to move forward, that's up to you. It wouldn't hurt to look around a little bit yourself when and if you feel ready to do that. We carers are always being reminded to look after ourselves as well, so be sure to do what you need to do for yourself. You deserve happiness as much as anyone else.

I wish you all the best. Hugs!

Thank you. You give really sound advice!

 

[Ted Moen]

My theme song for years after Vietnam was Bob Dylan singing "Go lightly from my window, leave at your own chosen speed." I found ways to back off anyone who came too close, usually through presenting the current situation in a way that translated into "not just now" in a seemingly logical and rational way. I backed off parents, first wife, children, co-workers and a few hundred people who might have been friends.

I was in the process of backing off my second wife, just waiting for her to decide to leave in 1984. She didn't. She supported me through the moods and years of no employment and partial employment. In 1990 I became fully employed but fell apart again in 1995 and wanted to give in to my symptoms, but at the same time I felt I owed it to her to give therapy another try. Her support motivated me to make the effort to learn to live better each day with my ptsd instead of just letting my symptoms consume me.

These days when I wake up screaming in terror I can feel her hand softly on my forearm and it brings me back to the present, to knowing I am warm and dry and safe and cared for and I can do a few minutes of deep abdominal breathing and go back to sleep.

I have no words to express what her support means to me. One relationship is worth a thousand therapists to those of us with ptsd, even though we will probably try to push the relationship away initially, and from time to time.

Ted

 

[Chaz Kindred]

Emotionally unknown: I am the PTSD soldier. I have asked my wife many times if she has read anything on what I am dealing with in regards to PTSD and anxiety. Of course I get yes, but then the conversations start to feel tense. My body starts to react and shut down when she wants me to talk about things.

I greatly care for her and it has affected our relationship greatly to where it's like I'm twisting her arm for 3 words no matter how they are said. Communicaion on my part is a key factor I know this much. All though I know I am supposed to openly talk to her about my problems I cannot. Therefore my days coming home consist of hi how was your day, good nice.....not much more being said. I simply do not communicate with anybody about anything. This forum is my first attempt at doing anything. All though a jump in the dark of unknown I take the chance.

I have lost almost all interest in doing just about anything that used to complete my happiness. Lately the only thing that seems to make me smile is some small things she says and my son. Loving them both dearly I know that I have lost something in the process of my return to my new condition and am trying to figure out my life now of living with it.

Mostly I keep to myself and don't talk to anybody, which is nice on here since it's not really directed towards one person, more of a rant. All the same I still feel like I ask her the same question every time we get into an arguement, What can I do to fix this, or How can I change this, or What do you want me to do now to make it better? When in reality I feel like it's never going to be "fixed".

 

[Mockingbird13]

This is a very frustrating point for me...I sometimes feel like Im being selfish and whining, but Im tired - this relationship was built on both of us, not just for one.

I have tried to let him know when I need help, or even emotional suppport, and he either ignores what I am saying or runs away. I now have figured out he cannnot handle himself, let alone my problems. But is this fair ? It drives me crazy.

I am a strong person, but this is just too much somedays - friends and family dont really understand. I am blessed for this site.

 

[sweetluv40]

I have to confess this is an amazing thread! Both the supporter and the sufferer have acknowledged the roles that we all play. Sometimes I think that second hand PTSD is just as harmful as secondhand smoke. That being said, I know what I'm getting into when I develop a relationship with someone with PTSD, and I play a supporter role in several relationships, the primary being with my Husband.

I have 5 brothers in the service 4 of them having clinically diagnosed PTSD, both my grandfathers had it, my brother-in-law has it, and my family tree has been more decorated than a Christmas party, so I am very lucky to have huge resources and understanding within my family of "what is going on here." In dealing with all of this, my grandmother gave me the best bit of advice on living with someone who has "Shell Shock" as she put it.

She told me to sit down and talk to the other person and be frank and honest about what they take from you and what they will give in return. Focus on a person's natural gifts. My gift is Strength, I'm stuborn, bull headed, never give in, and can lend my strength and perseverance to the others in my life who have PTSD. My husband in return gives me love. I sat him down and agreed with him that even tho he might be unavailable in every other area, he would do everything he could to give me love in my moment of need, and all I have to do is ask. And now I get to hold him to it. (but on really bad days I don't hold it against him when he cant.) That emotional need is always there for me from him even when the others are not. In return, I give him my strength when he feels like he isn't strong enough to see something through, I remind him that he is strong enough because he has my strength to carry him. It starts with one little thing, and over time the sufferer sees that they can be available in one capacity, and the other capacities over time improve as well.

Different things Ive Identified within these relationships have been strength, courage, love, understanding (you never know when you will need a ear to listen to you rant), One of my brothers agreed to be my sparring partner if I need to release my aggressions and just beat the hell out of a heavy bag. Finding one area that the sufferer is comfortable with seems to open doors to emotional availability.

These are just my personal observations and may not work or be good for everyone.

 

[Tmcmt]

Truly eye opening.. thank you everyone. I never knew this existed. I am dealing with a partner who very clearly has ptsd. I have said I will stand by him no matter what but it's starting to take a toll on me. I don't know what it means for our relationship. I really don't know. He's already said that my life would be better without him and whatever else - he's scared and I am the only one who is supporting him. We are at the beginning stages. I don't know what to do really. I don't want to abandon him. I am giving him all I can give of myself. I am still trying to take care of myself though. It's very difficult but I am going to read more. Everything sounds familiar whoa... just decision time I think. I know he needs me though.

 

[sp607]

Hey everyone, not new to the post but I have not channeled into this forum as I need to (making that a priority from today on!) I need support, no doubt. It's great to have friends that care for me, love me and pray for me but if they don't truly understand my situation it's not refreshing, can anyone relate to that?

***Questions***
My husband has had PTSD for 6 years now, diagnosed 2 years ago. We met, fell in love and married before he entered into law enforcement, which caused PTSD. He is now a completely different person.

I'm ALL about "for better or for worse" when actually it's been "for worse" 99% of the marriage due to PTSD.

I have done my research to understand what PTSD is and how it controls him but is it unrealistic or wrong to desire to be the one taken care of and loved every once and a while?

He is capable of loving but only at a certain level (which I know is part of PTSD) BUT should I expect this surface level to be the case 100% of the time? Can I ever expect "the old" guy, the guy I met, fell in love with and married again? Is it unfair to have desires and expectations of our intimacy level (emotionally, not physically)?

Like I said, I understand there are times when I know without a doubt that he can not handle relationships and I respect that but should this be all the time.

How do I know if PTSD is just an excuse? This may sound cold-hearted, I'm really not. Just broken hearted but devoted and will do whatever it takes.

Thanks for the support ahead of time everyone!

<breaks inserted for questions to aide readability and to make components clear>

 

[sp607]

I feel you

 

[niksgee]

I can relate. My daughter died at full term pregnancy in Jan 10. It was pretty horrific. I spent days with her after she died, but she was extremely macerated.

Her father left 6 days later. I never wanted to go into another relationship,but I met someone who was a friend at first, and became the support to me for my dead child. He found it hard to cope with.

Now my other daughter who is grown up, is expecting a baby girl.She needs me, and I need to be her mother, but I avoid her, as it retraumatises me when I see her. Its so tough. I am in therapy with an excellent therapist. So I would suggest talking to your doctor to see if there is anything in your area?

With me we do specific work on it, with a hope that I might be well by the time my grandaughter is born in August this year. But I keep getting triggers and then going back to square one again. But the incidents between triggers is getting longer. Treatment does help, and it does work.