Struggling with ideation at the moment... ugh...

[PamelaS]

Thank you Pamela. My biggest struggle at the moment is that I am not able to talk to anyone. I am isolating like voluntary covid isolation! I am finding it hard to even go to grocery stores. I had a therapist who was not empathic enough and I could not open up to her. I had a terrible experience with doctors, so I am just trying to read, use self help material and hope for a miracle

thank you so much, I don’t believe in God anymore, there is no way he would let me sink and nearly die 4 times and still end up in more toxic situations! but please pray,

Absolutely I will pray. I understand about not believing in God at the moment, but it can’t hurt, right? Just don’t give up. Keep moving forward. When you fall down or go backwards just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again only this time you’re one step ahead from where you were. Always moving forward. Learning from experience. Modifying and adapting according to what works. Helping others and allowing them to help you. None of that will hurt you. It will only make you better.

 

[Ecdysis]

Not coping well at all atm.

For the first time, I've googled assisted dying for mental health issues.

It's not legal in my country but is in two neighbouring countries.

This is no longer the "just make the pain stop" thong.

It's turning into I literally want to leave this planet.

I've reached out locally for mental health support, but I'm not sure it will change the underlying issue.

 

[Movingforward10]

I haven't got anything clever to say. Just sitting with you @Ecdysis

 

[Sideways]

Not coping well at all atm.

Depression is an incredibly cruel element to this illness.

Hearing you, hoping that supports come through for you and this episode passes sooner rather than later. Know how hard this can be, but believe in the skills you’ve learned along the way to get through this, and back to a place where your life feels worthwhile again.

 

[Ecdysis]

Thank you

It's grim right now

Dr called back and set up an appt for today. Not sure where that's going to go tho, not sure he can do anything about it.

I know in theory they can increase the Ketamine treatment, so maybe it'll be that, but probably it'll just be a talk to get more on the same page as to how bad this ideation has been. I know the Ketamine treatment is helping... I'd be so, so much worse without it. But cos of cost and other restraints, so far we've chosen a treatment regimen that's taken me from completely and utterly unbearable to sort of scraping through with ideation that's present constantly but manageable. Maybe that's not setting the goal high enough for this treatment? I don't know. Anyway, I'm trying to go in open minded. He's a good Dr.

I do feel stuff shifting... I'm doing a lot of therapy work... It's not like there's zero progress... But you know that effect of as you work through the really difficult stuff, it all comes to the fore and how it gets worse, before it gets better? Yeah, well, right now, it's worse...

Things were so bad yesterday, that I ended up calling up my Dad... He's 82 and going through cancer treatment, so I felt awful for even calling him under those circumstances, but I figured things were so bad that I needed to try anything and everything to stay alive. In the end, we just ended up talking about his cancer treatment... I didn't end up telling him how bad my ideation was...

It was a weird conversation for me... Him talking about all the things he is doing and all the gruelling treatments he's going through, to try and stay alive... Me on the other end of the phone, choking back my tears and biting my tongue so as not to say that we should swap... I want to die and he wants to stay alive... We should ask fate to do a swap deal so he can keep living and I can stop...

It was a nice call tho... It felt okay not to verbalise what was going on for me... It felt like the emotional connection was stronger for all the emotion that was in the room, unspoken...

Ugh... I set up one of those crisis plans with my psych nurse a couple of months ago... We were talking about it last week because I said that things are pretty bad right now... So yesterday I got it out and followed all the steps that were written on it... Going to try and keep doing that today too...

Ugh... I really, really hope that this is the trough of things getting worse before they get better... Cos this is f*cking unbearable... I need some kind of breakthrough and for this shit to stop being quite so bad...

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @Ecdysis ,So sorry to hear your deep in the valley of depression. Been there got the t-shirt. I know exactly what it's like, desperate. Don't want to be here anymore, everyday feeling like shit!

I like your idea of reverting back to your crisis plan. It might give you some hope. Can you love bomb the shit outta yourself! Just really spoil yourself for a while? Maybe write a list of proactive things you could do or get involved with? I know it's hard when your feeling so low but just trying to think of what will lift you up a bit.

You mentioned your dad, sorry to hear he's suffering aswell but glad you contacted him. Do you have any other family that you get along with? Do you have any friends?

 

[Mach123]

I’m glad you’re seeing the doctors I would go to my pdoc now if I ever had it creep back in on me again the fear of which will never leave me I don’t think. Hope you feel better.

 

[Ecdysis]

Thank you

Talked to the Dr... He's really, really good... Smart, funny, compassionate, experienced... So good... I used to have a regular pdoc like that, before he went and worked somewhere else... This new guy isn't my regular pdoc... He's the Dr in charge of the Ketamine treatment... So I can only have appointments with him if it's an emergency basically... All regular stuff goes via my new regular pdoc who's kinda nice but kinda useless...

Anyway, it was a good conversation... He's so insightful... We talked about the trauma that led to this current mess and he got it straight away in a super nuanced way... Achieved more with him in 30 minutes than in 6 months with the useless therapist I'm currently seeing...

Anway, they've shifted up my next Ketamine appt from next week to tomorrow morning to "help take the edge of the acute ideation".

He agreed that a) the Ketamine treatment is helping and b) that because it's helping, I'm finally able to address this trauma a *bit* in therapy and in that typical trauma therapy way, that's making everything worse before it gets better...

He said he's going to give it some thought as to what else he might be able to organise that could be helpful for me, in terms of treatment, therapy, etc.

Honestly, I think him just "getting it" was the biggest value...

The trauma that led to this current mess is so complicated that it's been insane trying to unravel it in trauma therapy... When it initially happened, I was basically just stammering unintelligble snippets in therapy... I know what I was saying wasn't making much sense, because I literally didn't even know what had happened to me... It was so bad that it totally fried my brain and I couldn't work out what was up, down, left, right, etc. So I'd confusedly be trying to work out, what had even happened... And T's were so unhelpful with that... They'd keep jumping to conclusions and be like "So ABC happened? or XYZ?" and I couldn't answer them... I literally didn't know what on earth had happened... It took years to even figure it out.. Only now, years later am I able to coherently put it in words and start to say "NO" when a T starts misinterpreting it and misunderstanding it. This Dr was the first to totally get it, to succintly be able to summarise it and if he got a detail wrong, he listened to my clarification and understood that as well. It was so good... So he immediately got to all the core issues and while he didn't have any quick fixes, just someone truly getting it was such a relief.

Hope the Ketamine helps tomorrow too.

Also a relief that such a skilled Dr, who is truly "on my side/ on my team" now has a deeper understanding of my situation and of "how bad it is" and what may help and what doesn't help.

Thank you for the support in "getting there"...

 

[PamelaS]

Not coping well at all atm.

For the first time, I've googled assisted dying for mental health issues.

It's not legal in my country but is in two neighbouring countries.

This is no longer the "just make the pain stop" thong.

It's turning into I literally want to leave this planet.

I've reached out locally for mental health support, but I'm not sure it will change the underlying issue.

I’m so sorry for your pain and for your situation that is absolutely not tolerable. I understand. I’ve been there. My son has been there a lot for 24 years. Just yesterday he told me that two states in the US that are not far from us allow assisted suicide for mental health. I hate to see him struggle so much. It tears me up inside. I don’t know the answer. But I understand your struggle. I’m praying for peace and comfort and wisdom in your decision.

Thank you

Talked to the Dr... He's really, really good... Smart, funny, compassionate, experienced... So good... I used to have a regular pdoc like that, before he went and worked somewhere else... This new guy isn't my regular pdoc... He's the Dr in charge of the Ketamine treatment... So I can only have appointments with him if it's an emergency basically... All regular stuff goes via my new regular pdoc who's kinda nice but kinda useless...

Anyway, it was a good conversation... He's so insightful... We talked about the trauma that led to this current mess and he got it straight away in a super nuanced way... Achieved more with him in 30 minutes than in 6 months with the useless therapist I'm currently seeing...

Anway, they've shifted up my next Ketamine appt from next week to tomorrow morning to "help take the edge of the acute ideation".

He agreed that a) the Ketamine treatment is helping and b) that because it's helping, I'm finally able to address this trauma a *bit* in therapy and in that typical trauma therapy way, that's making everything worse before it gets better...

He said he's going to give it some thought as to what else he might be able to organise that could be helpful for me, in terms of treatment, therapy, etc.

Honestly, I think him just "getting it" was the biggest value...

The trauma that led to this current mess is so complicated that it's been insane trying to unravel it in trauma therapy... When it initially happened, I was basically just stammering unintelligble snippets in therapy... I know what I was saying wasn't making much sense, because I literally didn't even know what had happened to me... It was so bad that it totally fried my brain and I couldn't work out what was up, down, left, right, etc. So I'd confusedly be trying to work out, what had even happened... And T's were so unhelpful with that... They'd keep jumping to conclusions and be like "So ABC happened? or XYZ?" and I couldn't answer them... I literally didn't know what on earth had happened... It took years to even figure it out.. Only now, years later am I able to coherently put it in words and start to say "NO" when a T starts misinterpreting it and misunderstanding it. This Dr was the first to totally get it, to succintly be able to summarise it and if he got a detail wrong, he listened to my clarification and understood that as well. It was so good... So he immediately got to all the core issues and while he didn't have any quick fixes, just someone truly getting it was such a relief.

Hope the Ketamine helps tomorrow too.

Also a relief that such a skilled Dr, who is truly "on my side/ on my team" now has a deeper understanding of my situation and of "how bad it is" and what may help and what doesn't help.

Thank you for the support in "getting there"...

Thanks for sharing in detail. It’s wonderful that you were able to see this pdoc, that he listened to you, understood you, and and that you have him as an option in the future when things go over the edge. That is not a little thing! Also glad that you have ketamine as an option. That is not a little thing either. Focus on the good things that are available to you and are helping, and take advantage of this insightful pdoc whenever you need to. So glad that your options are helping you. I wish my son had options like that. Best wishes moving forward and getting to a better place.

 

[PamelaS]

Thank you Pamela. My biggest struggle at the moment is that I am not able to talk to anyone. I am isolating like voluntary covid isolation! I am finding it hard to even go to grocery stores. I had a therapist who was not empathic enough and I could not open up to her. I had a terrible experience with doctors, so I am just trying to read, use self help material and hope for a miracle

thank you so much, I don’t believe in God anymore, there is no way he would let me sink and nearly die 4 times and still end up in more toxic situations! but please pray,

I’m so sorry that I haven’t been able to keep up with these messages. But I’m glad that they have been helpful. Someone recently liked something in this thread, so it came up in my notifications. I’m so thankful. I understand completely about not believing in God anymore. I was an atheist because of my father, absolutely hated God. Then I became agnostic, not hating God, but not believing in him either. When the situation with my first husband got so bad, I had no other option than to fall on my knees and give it all to God. It actually transformed my life. The darkness in my life, black and shades of gray, turned to a rainbow of colors. For the first time in my life, I was able to experience joy. That was 30 some years ago. My life has not gotten better. My first husband ended up being a pedophile and abusing my baby boy, unbeknownst to me. My son is on the spectrum and his memories are crystal clear. He cannot get away from them. Even when he was so tiny, he remembers every detail. So many things trigger him. I have come alongside him for more than 24 years, and by the grace of God he is still alive today, but if he were to take his life, I would completely understand. The torture and torment that he has had to live with just doesn’t stop. After getting safe from my first husband, I ended up in another (even worse) toxic marriage that has been horrific. By the grace of God, my son and I have survived, but the fallout is just so hard. I believe that there is evil and there is good. It’s hard to figure out which side God is on sometimes. But I continue to move forward, choosing to believe in God, because the alternative was even worse. Things that I have to put on the shelf and not come back to when I don’t understand, because the parts that I do understand, lead me to a better place. Not necessarily a better situation, but a better ability to get through it. And I am finally physically an emotionally safe. I have been pushed out of three churches, because “it’s not a good fit,” and “we are not equipped…” I was even accused of threatening to kill a pastor in order to get me out of a church. Some church people do more damage than they do good. But now I participate online with the very best fit that I have ever had in a church and a pastor. The pastor absolutely gets it. I just watched it message on mental health, where he talked about his own struggle, and how he has been able to overcome it. His struggle continues, it’s a daily battle, but he continues to choose to do the things that will bring him to a better place. He’s real. He absolutely gets it. God couldn’t have blessed me more than to place me in this church where I actually feel safe and understood and accepted.

I’m sorry for all the rambling. It’s just been really rough recently with my son. But I continue to trust God to watch over and care for him, and I demonstrate my love to my son all the time. Sometimes it feels like that’s all I can do, pray for him, and you love him. Thanks for listening.