Ashamed

[zombie squirrel]

Hopefully this is the right place to put this. I have a really hard time talking about my trauma, but I got into a crisis situation earlier this month and sort of confided in someone I somewhat trusted. I was extremely vague and didn't tell him any details, just a basic summary of what was going on with me. I told him because I have been struggling and I was worried that it was affecting my job. Unfortunately, the person I confided in told my supervisor, who I don't know very well. I have this problem with people knowing things about my trauma. If I tell someone, I usually can't stand being around them anymore because I feel so ashamed. This was not a problem with the original person I talked to, because he is leaving soon and I will probably never see him again. However, my supervisor is someone that I will have to see every day for the next two to three years. This whole thing happened about a week ago, and I can't even look at my supervisor anymore. Going to work is awful and gives me horrible anxiety. I wish I could talk to someone about it so I'd feel better, but then I wouldn't be able to talk to them either! Does anyone else have this problem, or any suggestions for how I could fix this whole situation with my supervisor?

 

[The Albatross]

Hi Zombie Squirrel... for me the continued anxiety and stress for two to three years would be too much. I'd talk to my T and ask him to roleplay a "meeting with the supervisor" and try to deal with it clearly and concisely enough to limit my stress reactions. Temporarily stress but the goal would be long term stress reduction through taking the actions necessary to be comfortable in my work environment.

 

[zombie squirrel]

Thanks Albatross, that's a good idea.

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((zsquirrel))))

Welcome to the forum.

This is a perfectly normal, typical response for trauma.

It's part of the generalizing out out the anxiety. First we dread thinking about it...then we start avoiding people, place, things that make us think about it, then we avoid those things that remind us of those we're avoiding, and so on..until this constriction of our lives has us too terrified to leave the room.

The best way to fight this constriction is by turning towards these things as you can.

This happened to me with my supervisor...who turned out to have a father dealing with PTSD in his life and totally 'gets it'...and protects me, encourages me, and is patient. Thats not true of most of my former bosses, but some of them.

Better to 'get the knowing' over with sooner rather than later. I'd ask for a meeting, ask for whatever reasonable accomodation you need, and give him a chance to do the right thing.

Good Luck!

 

[Abrasky]

I feel the same way sometimes, I feel ashamed of my trauma if someone knows. It's because of what I was told when I was growing up. It wasn't really anything to do with me, but things that brought down my self esteem about central aspects of myself.

It is hard to fight these things if I don't know remember what they are. But rest assured that your anxiety is just that, anxiety and not a real thing about what people think about you.

I'm not sure how you could "fight it" maybe if it was what someone else has said to you when you were younger and/ or in your trauma that it's what somebody said, not really what is going on. Not everything everybody says when your young is true, even though being so little it feels like that.

You might find an ally in your supervisor. I have found a few friends like that that surprisingly know everything about my past and still boost me up.

 

[Reclusive]

I SO understand that shamed feeling. I'm hiding my diagnosis from pretty much everyone. I just tell them I've had some health problems I'm trying to get a handle on. But OMG, I know the terror associated with THINKING someone would find out but KNOWING. You poor thing! I think you're best plan of action would be to work with your T about discussing it with your supervisor because it's already out of the bag. Now you need to get to the place where it's okay your supervisor knows. It might even become helpful later, you never know.

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((((Reclusive)))))))

I hope someday you have some *safe* people in your life to share your diagnosis with.

We need people to recover. There is something immensely healing about being free to finally put down that 'false self' mask and be *seen* and received into the human race by compassionate, understanding, supportive people.

...and I do believe that has been essential for my getting better. My life is so much better being able to just *be* myself as whatever I am at the time...broken, hypervigilant, whatever...and not have to explain. But still be able to be around people, seek help, get support...it's wonderful.

Yes, there are a few people who I've had to allow to 'go by the wayside' but the rewards of being with safe, healthy, truly kind people? TOTALLY WORTH IT! ...and at least I know not to bother putting any more energy into those others. Truth can be good, too.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi Zombie Squirrel, I've nothing to add to what has been said above. Just I support you as well and can be seen from replies, you are not alone.

Take care
KP

 

[zombie squirrel]

Thank you so much everyone, I really appreciate your responses. I feel much better knowing I'm not the only one with this problem! I am going to bring it up to my T when I see her next week and hopefully that will help me work through it.

 

[Reclusive]

I think that's a great idea, Zombie Squirrel!

BloomInWinter - I think a big part of it is that I can't share with my family. If not them - who?

 

[The Albatross]

Well for now Reclusive, start a conversation with somebody you follow and want to get to know. Maybe that is a start. Or any 3D support group and you can eyeball people and invite them to coffee. Start small (less anxiety).

I can only talk a little to my family, and I don't share much with either 3D "normal" friend (two but I only see em about once a month).

I do though have a friend from another forum and we talk on the phone about once every two weeks (for almost two years) I can talk to her. I also have an email friend and we check in every day, we too have talked by phone and I trust her to.

There aren't any support groups in my area without going through the VA and maybe I'll get there one day, but I want nothing to do with them for now.

Just some thoughts... It's got to start somewhere. With someone you enjoy, and who may enjoy you and be willing to buddy up (I call it my accountability buddies).

Just throwing it out there... You better believe I'm aiming to get to know some people better here. I may need the help and feedback.

 

[Reclusive]

I think it's so hard because I'm part ashamed and part still dealing with the minimizing thing. I'm also making excuses, but at least I'm fully aware of it. I do have 1 friend I can sorta talk to about it, but I have to chat with her when my fiance isn't around (which is never) because it depresses him.

Sorry, Zombie Squirrel, I don't mean to jack your thread. :(