This is long, but I have to write down the things I could never say
I can’t understand how people are able to function without purpose. Why can someone wake up every day, do their job, go home, have dinner, watch TV, etc. without thinking that either we’re completely missing the point or there isn’t a point to be missed. If there isn’t more to life than superficial amusements, how can that be fulfilling?
I can’t stand to be around people who are constantly content and happy in their day to day lives and get upset and even angry over trivial things. Why on earth would those things matter at all, they might be frustrating at the moment if they impede a more substantial goal, but they don’t have any lasting importance . These people often make me very angry and upset and I feel like I dislike them and can’t understand them at all. I try to find a sign of more depth in them, I feel like it must be there but for some reason they can’t show it.
Everything that I accomplished at work 10 years ago has no relevance now, and what I’m doing at work today won’t matter 10 years from now. The things I did for my daughter 10 years ago are very significant because their impact is lasting. Why does it seem that nobody can or wants to stop and look at the bigger picture? If people did when I was younger and noticed what was going on with me my life would have been different, but maybe I’d be fine living into the day to day if they had noticed.
I’m certainly guilty of living with blinders on. I have to in order to not get overwhelmed, but I see things that others don’t. I can see when something is wrong with someone and I always want to help, but feel powerless to do anything and I don’t feel that they want my help. I put other people’s desires ahead of my own.
I suffered my entire life, mostly needlessly. I was ridiculed from 3rd grade to the end of high school. They had a nickname for me, nobody used my real name and I was harassed every day. I never told my parent’s or anyone else, I felt like it was my fault. I had one older friend and he “molested” me (don’t want to add any other detail, but you get the picture), and again I said nothing. He became best friends with my brother and I had to see him every day – I repressed this memory until last December. I have a cosmetic physical deformity that was also a cause for constant ridicule. I got married at 22, but I never had a friend until I was about 30. My marriage was a disaster but I got a wonderful daughter out of it. I always felt like a prisoner in solitary confinement with my shame and despair and it would never end. I wanted someone to notice, but I couldn’t say anything.
I’ve coped in many ways, drinking, isolation, constantly reliving everything in my mind hoping for a better outcome or at least one that made more sense. I’ve put myself in embarrassing, and self-destructive situations that bring deserved shame into the present. I’m now married to a wonderful woman, have a nice house and a very good job – it’s too much for me to handle because feel like I don’t deserve any of it. I have never said these things or dealt with any of this until recently.
My experiences have shaped who I am, and I feel a strong desire to use all this energy and emotion to do something positive. I truly think this is the answer for me. The problem is that I don’t feel worthy and am restrained by guilt, shame, depression and anxiety and despair. I turn all this energy against myself. It leaves me truly conflicted and shamed. I act in ways completely contrary to what I feel is the very core of who I am. I betray myself and often hurt the people closest to me in the process. I strongly desire to do good things for people who are in bad situations and make a difference in people’s lives. I really believe I can’t do this because it is a selfish act. I think it would bring me true happiness and fulfillment. I’d be doing as much for myself as for them and I don’t deserve that.
I have a much easier time with animals, I’m not sure why. I guess an animal will accept your love and give it back 10 fold, but they won’t go around telling people you’re a great guy and really helped them out, it’s a silent understanding. I was drawn to a dog I saw from the SPCA. She was terrified of everything when we got her and wanted to play and do normal dog things but couldn’t. I guess I relate to her and she’s getting better all the time. I can help her because I know, oddly enough, how she feels.
This is an odd topic but I need to say it. Wakes are always traumatic for me, even if I don’t know the person who died. I can’t believe that close family members could be calm and even laughing. It seems like a party sometimes, and they say it’s a celebration of the person’s life. It makes me lose my faith in people, but I am not at all secure with the concept of religion. I feel devastated that all that person had or will ever have is taken away (sorry to quote “Unforgiven”, but it’s true) , they don’t have any more time to get a true understanding of life or share what they have gained with their loved ones. Nothing is more serious, permanent or unsettling than death.
I stated earlier that I’m not religious, but I feel like my intended purpose is to help other people in a substantial way. I want to take away their pain or show them an act of kindness that shows them there’s got to be more to life than the situation that they’re in. To me, it seems that everything points to a greater cause and a connection that has been muted between human beings. Nature is brilliant beyond compare. The universe is mathematically astonishing. If I crashed my Subaru and it bent and twisted into a Ferrari, that would be a far less impressive and more likely occurrence than the accidental existence of the intellectual magnificence that surrounds us and we take for granted every day.
The feelings of guilt, anxiety, depression and shame are overwhelming, even though I was a child and wasn’t equipped to handle those situations. I’m always looking for someone to say “I forgive you, it’s ok”. The thing is, I have to forgive myself. That’s a lot harder to do. My heart is filled with love and compassion that is held captive and silenced. I’m far too vulnerable when I try to come out of this very dark, but safe place I’ve created in my mind, but I’ll keep trying. Right now I’m still a prisoner.
I can’t understand how people are able to function without purpose. Why can someone wake up every day, do their job, go home, have dinner, watch TV, etc. without thinking that either we’re completely missing the point or there isn’t a point to be missed. If there isn’t more to life than superficial amusements, how can that be fulfilling?
I can’t stand to be around people who are constantly content and happy in their day to day lives and get upset and even angry over trivial things. Why on earth would those things matter at all, they might be frustrating at the moment if they impede a more substantial goal, but they don’t have any lasting importance . These people often make me very angry and upset and I feel like I dislike them and can’t understand them at all. I try to find a sign of more depth in them, I feel like it must be there but for some reason they can’t show it.
Everything that I accomplished at work 10 years ago has no relevance now, and what I’m doing at work today won’t matter 10 years from now. The things I did for my daughter 10 years ago are very significant because their impact is lasting. Why does it seem that nobody can or wants to stop and look at the bigger picture? If people did when I was younger and noticed what was going on with me my life would have been different, but maybe I’d be fine living into the day to day if they had noticed.
I’m certainly guilty of living with blinders on. I have to in order to not get overwhelmed, but I see things that others don’t. I can see when something is wrong with someone and I always want to help, but feel powerless to do anything and I don’t feel that they want my help. I put other people’s desires ahead of my own.
I suffered my entire life, mostly needlessly. I was ridiculed from 3rd grade to the end of high school. They had a nickname for me, nobody used my real name and I was harassed every day. I never told my parent’s or anyone else, I felt like it was my fault. I had one older friend and he “molested” me (don’t want to add any other detail, but you get the picture), and again I said nothing. He became best friends with my brother and I had to see him every day – I repressed this memory until last December. I have a cosmetic physical deformity that was also a cause for constant ridicule. I got married at 22, but I never had a friend until I was about 30. My marriage was a disaster but I got a wonderful daughter out of it. I always felt like a prisoner in solitary confinement with my shame and despair and it would never end. I wanted someone to notice, but I couldn’t say anything.
I’ve coped in many ways, drinking, isolation, constantly reliving everything in my mind hoping for a better outcome or at least one that made more sense. I’ve put myself in embarrassing, and self-destructive situations that bring deserved shame into the present. I’m now married to a wonderful woman, have a nice house and a very good job – it’s too much for me to handle because feel like I don’t deserve any of it. I have never said these things or dealt with any of this until recently.
My experiences have shaped who I am, and I feel a strong desire to use all this energy and emotion to do something positive. I truly think this is the answer for me. The problem is that I don’t feel worthy and am restrained by guilt, shame, depression and anxiety and despair. I turn all this energy against myself. It leaves me truly conflicted and shamed. I act in ways completely contrary to what I feel is the very core of who I am. I betray myself and often hurt the people closest to me in the process. I strongly desire to do good things for people who are in bad situations and make a difference in people’s lives. I really believe I can’t do this because it is a selfish act. I think it would bring me true happiness and fulfillment. I’d be doing as much for myself as for them and I don’t deserve that.
I have a much easier time with animals, I’m not sure why. I guess an animal will accept your love and give it back 10 fold, but they won’t go around telling people you’re a great guy and really helped them out, it’s a silent understanding. I was drawn to a dog I saw from the SPCA. She was terrified of everything when we got her and wanted to play and do normal dog things but couldn’t. I guess I relate to her and she’s getting better all the time. I can help her because I know, oddly enough, how she feels.
This is an odd topic but I need to say it. Wakes are always traumatic for me, even if I don’t know the person who died. I can’t believe that close family members could be calm and even laughing. It seems like a party sometimes, and they say it’s a celebration of the person’s life. It makes me lose my faith in people, but I am not at all secure with the concept of religion. I feel devastated that all that person had or will ever have is taken away (sorry to quote “Unforgiven”, but it’s true) , they don’t have any more time to get a true understanding of life or share what they have gained with their loved ones. Nothing is more serious, permanent or unsettling than death.
I stated earlier that I’m not religious, but I feel like my intended purpose is to help other people in a substantial way. I want to take away their pain or show them an act of kindness that shows them there’s got to be more to life than the situation that they’re in. To me, it seems that everything points to a greater cause and a connection that has been muted between human beings. Nature is brilliant beyond compare. The universe is mathematically astonishing. If I crashed my Subaru and it bent and twisted into a Ferrari, that would be a far less impressive and more likely occurrence than the accidental existence of the intellectual magnificence that surrounds us and we take for granted every day.
The feelings of guilt, anxiety, depression and shame are overwhelming, even though I was a child and wasn’t equipped to handle those situations. I’m always looking for someone to say “I forgive you, it’s ok”. The thing is, I have to forgive myself. That’s a lot harder to do. My heart is filled with love and compassion that is held captive and silenced. I’m far too vulnerable when I try to come out of this very dark, but safe place I’ve created in my mind, but I’ll keep trying. Right now I’m still a prisoner.
