Meetings With Members Off Forum

[ISupportHer]

I know there is risk in meeting others. There are some that I have communicated with over the last few years that I wish I could meet. Distance will prevent that though.

It's nice to hear of those that DO!

ISH

 

[KP the nut]

I know there is risk in meeting others.

ISH

Agreed, but taking simple precautions makes it safer. Things like always in a public place does help. Also be cautious, if something doesn't feel right, leave.

My nature was always friendly and open anyway, my job had me meeting new people so for me maybe it is easier. It is a sign for me that some of the old me is still there.

Distance is an issue, there are members in different countries whom I would love to meet. Oh well, I'll just keep using my lucky lotto numbers:roflmao:.

 

[ISupportHer]

Exactly KP. I was also thinking of how things can turn sour in the contacts, not just physical safety. I know there was a thread , maybe by Anthony I think, about people contacting each other outside the forum. Emails, FB, etc. Can't remember the details but some have had contact that started OK but then things turned bad with accusations and hard feelings. Sometimes all it takes is simply to be busy and not respond and that is taken as being slighted.

I do think I can get a feel for someone by reading what they say, but you never really know in a situation like this. One dimensional communication. I think it's great that those that can, DO meet.

ISH

 

[Nicolette]

Distance will prevent that though.

Never say never ISH. If you had asked me 6 months ago would I meet someone from the forum in America when we live in Australia I would have doubted anything in the near future... but it happened and I'm glad I did.

 

[ISupportHer]

True. LOL, I refer to my contacts as "The best friends I'll never meet" :)

 

[anthony]

I absolutely love meeting people from the forum... so far, I haven't had a bad experience, though I also don't meet anyone who is single and of the opposite sex either, without my wife also meeting and knowing them. History has brought me stalkers from this forum... so I am cautious at first.

All relationships evolve. The ones I have seen go nasty and had to get involved in from a forum perspective, typically involved one person becoming dependent upon the other, yet the other had just as much fault by not securing more stricter boundaries right from start, because they thought they were helping the person by being a friend. All very noble, honest and well, though the end result is still typically the same, with the person thinking they can help someone eventually becoming drained, depressed and dragged down by the dependent person.

The dependent person then resents the apparent friend because they begin to ignore their calls, not answer the phone, email, etc... so the dependent person ramps up, panics and tries communicating more, further scaring the person away.

When eventually the helper of the friendship stands their ground and puts boundaries up, the dependent person has already become dependent, thus now they become stalkerish / aggressive to the other, all because these boundaries weren't put up right from the start.

Usually, both people are at fault under such situations. One though due to nobility, courtesy, thinking they are helping the person, the other to becoming co-dependent upon another due to selfish desires.

Funnily, both do it unknowingly the majority of the time.

So if you know about these things prior, then you can factor in your safety before hand, even when you get to know the person, maintain boundaries and honesty with the person at all times. If something changes, tell them. If you need time-out for a week, two, etc, tell them. Set boundaries for contact once or twice a week, nothing more... if not further apart, as friendships with depression involved can do serious damage if you talk too often.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think these are wise words Anthony.

But sometimes I think to set boundariies, we have to learn where they are. And learning that, sometimes means finding those experiences and trying to create a measure of judgement.

I read what you say, but I don't feel I have that judgement to be able to put it into practise. So my choice is to meet people and be alert to the possibilities. Or, to let fear rule my life and never meet anyone, just in case I make a poor judgement.

 

[anthony]

I would agree with your meet people approach... and yes, finding boundaries through experience is apt.

From experience having to intervene in these matters between forum members, when they brought the matter onto the forum, so far none have recovered their relationships to date, as the co-dependent person is nothing but aggressive with the healthier person, even acting in their best interest.

Over the years... there have been around 20+ of these instances between good friendships breaking down due to the above, none ever recovering to date... usually only have gotten worse. Some had to get police involved due to being local, and the co-dependent persons aggression got out of hand.

It really comes down to the persons attitude and symptom severity I think... which will often depict whether caution need be applied or not.

 

[mamachick]

Because I refused to be ashamed of having PTSD, most often (unless I get hurt on the forum) I show my picture. I just love seeing pictures of people. You guys look so great!!! It's amazing!! How absolutely lovely!!!

I know you are right, I like seeing a face so I changed mine-wow, this is a little hard though.

 

[Gloria]

I know you are right, I like seeing a face so I changed mine-wow, this is a little hard though.

I already know what you look like because we are friend on FB but how can you hide your beautiful face and it really, really makes me feel like people are genuine if they show their face. I do understand why some people don't and totally respect that. What are you eating?? It looks good!!
Hugs,
Gloria

 

[Gloria]

I plan on meeting three members of the forum in the coming year and really looking forward to it. I really want the real connection. I love having visitors on my farm and people sure love staying here!!

 

[Srain]

I know you are right, I like seeing a face so I changed mine-wow, this is a little hard though.

I wasn't going to respond but there are some people who have abusers or stalkers from their past that they would rather not have the feeling of them mulling over every word they read, especially in the beginning of their recovery. I think it's unfair to assume that people who don't post their photos are "ashamed" of their PTSD.

As far as meeting people from the forum, I met my Hunny online and my friend who brought me Big Girl is a person I met on another web site. I think it's only smart to take precautions and pay attention to myself and get to know someone before I meet them. There are people on here I have gotten to know that I would have no problem meeting up with because I see a solid background, do I need to see a picture of them? No, I would only need it to make sure I don't run up to the wrong person and say, "hey!" when first meeting them face to face for the first time.

Of course, just my opinion and just how I feel right now. Hope I didn't offend anyone.