General Magyver Therapist

[Lemmingnot]

Hello,
I have loved and supported my husband for 11* years. I don't know if I could have survived some of the childhood trauma that he has and turned out to be as good of a man as he has. We love each other dearly and I need some help.

Life has gotten pretty hard for him lately, and unfortunately we are having trouble finding a psychiatrist who speaks english here in Guanajuato, Mexico. So, being the only other person who speaks english for many miles, I have become both the receiver of his rage and his therapist. I am the only person in his life on a daily basis, and we are together for 24 hours a day.

I realize everybody is different, but I'm looking for ways to defuse a situation, hints to help with the rage. I try not to take him personally when he is like this, but I'm sure I can improve my own responses to help him at these times. Sometimes I need to think quick, use whatever I have on hand, hence my MaGyver approach here.All we have is each other, we won't see family till the holidays in a few months.
I'm new here, and there is a lot of information...can someone point me in the right direction to start
learning healthy ways to react to ptsd rage directed at yourself?

 

[IvyMillie]

That's the million dollar question for sure. I think that it's good that you try not to take it personally that is hard to do. It seems from other people's comments that there is a fine line between allowing him to express his rage on you and his being abusive.

What do you think is it venting or is it abusive? Does he do things like call you names? Does he belittle you? Does he downgrade you?

If it is abusive can you talk to him later and express yourself to him? Is he responsive to that? I think that is so difficult when they don't realize the damage they cause by their rage.

I'm really concerned about your being around him 24/7. I couldn't do that even in a healthy relationship so I give you credit for that. I need my own space for my own sanity. I also don't like to be so dependant on another person like that. I would lose my mind and would feel trapped. So you must be pretty amazing.

I think too because with PTSD their thinking isn't always rational I need to be around people that are more rational to give me the reminder "Oh yeah, most people aren't paranoid." I need my own brain break to have and be in my own thoughts.

How are you able to be his therapist also? You must be wonder woman.

Sometimes we don't have a ton of control of our situation, so if you are in this situation and can't change it, then I guess you really are making the best of it. However, if you want to make a change I'm surprised that there isn't some kind of support system you could have. I would think that there would be more English speaking people there that you could get in touch with.

I realized I didn't really address your issue of how to cope with his rage. Only be careful as I said earlier that it isn't abusive? Also, I think for a many doing something physical really helps with the rage. My husband goes golfing once a week and I tease and tell him he has to be happy that day.

I'm really not sure how to diffuse the rage as with my husband, I never know when it will happen. It can come up in an instant. There isn't always what I would call a logical reason for it. The only thing is I try to be quiet and not add "fuel to the fire." I try to stay calm (very hard). Let him get it all out. But sometimes he pushes all my buttons.

Also, he sometimes doesn't calm down until he had gotten me completely upset and angry. Then it's like he gets happy. It's like he transferred all that to me and now he is fine and I'm a wreck.

I hope others will have some better suggestions for you. I just wish you could get some time away and he could have some time away with other people to interact with. I would wish he could find some kind of activity that would help him get some exercise even if it was just something that was an activity of sorts like working with his hands.

Hoping the best for you.

 

[Lemmingnot]

Thanks, Ivy. I would say my husband's rage is not quite abusive, but sometimes I do wonder what the difference is between a supporter and someone in an abusive relationship. For example, I recently got an email from our building manager in St. Louis asking about or van that hasn't moved in over 2 years. When I asked my husband the status and then started making suggestions, he accused me of taking one of the only means of dignity from him and said that I had alluded that he was incapable. So he kind of goes off on false assumptions and won't listen to me explain. Then I become everyone from his past who ever said he was no good and would never amount to anything. Sometimes he throws things.

I do what you do, Ivy, and try to sit quietly, but it is hard to not say anything when his whole anger is based on something he misinterpreted and won't hear your side of the story. Every 6 weeks or so he packs his bags and tells me he's leaving, but he never does for more than maybe a few hours.

I'm not a wonderwoman at all. I also would like the private time, but I figure that if the change of environment helps me, it's gotta help him, too. So I ask him along on trips to the store or whatnot. I feel guilty that things seem to be going easy for me while even the smallest thing is a problem for my guy. He's had 3 years of problems with his dual nationality, the guitar parts he needs are hard to find here, he has constant vertigo which doctors are having a hard time figuring out. I understand all of it, I just don't like being blamed for it.

 

[IvyMillie]

I think it is hard to tell if and what abuse is. I would say from my limited experience that abuse would be somewhat dependant on how what he does makes you feel. Do you feel less of a person? Do you feel like he downgrades you?

I think it is hard though because my husband does fine for a long time and then he will be difficult to deal with. So he is okay alot of the time. However, when he is difficult my life is a living nightmare. I know he doesn't mean it and only now am I able to more fully not take it as personally.

It seems that although you want some changes that you are coping. You seem kindhearted and very giving and as long as you can be like that and not have any resentment then that is good.

I worry that he is so dependant on you, but you think it's okay? There have been some discussions on this forum about co-dependancy.

I didn't mean to imply that I always sit quietly--as I said sometimes it gets out of hand, but I just don't know how to stop the rages. I don't think we can. We just have to find a way to live through them and not cause more damage due to a big fight.

I'm sure this forum will be great for you--it has helped me tremendously.

 

[Lemmingnot]

Hi Ivy!

After reading some discussions on this site, I'm thinking that my husband does more venting than abusing. I feel "abused" when I can't understand how he can't trust me, or when I sit there quietly, letting him yell about things that simply are not true - I never called him an idiot or told him he wouldn't achieve, that was his past. I am frustrated that ! cannot make him see my point of view, or whatever at the time.Like your husband, mine is great most of the time. And mine has gotten much better since we first met. I want to tearn ways to make the bad moments pass quicker...like, if your husband tells you that you never believed in him and this is a downright lie, do you agree with him, argue that it's not true or say something else? If I say it's not true, he yells and says then that means that he cannot trust his own perceptions and must be crazy. I know about not using blame words, and keeping your tone soft and low, but are there other ways to help defuse the situation?

And for the most part we are coping with some bad situations lately. And bad is relevant...some days even a little bad is too much to handle. But we can only do what we can with the tools we have at the moment. Things are always changing. We found a doctor whom my husband feels comfortable speaking spanglish with, and he got his meds changed. We also found the piece of guitar equipment he needed for recording, so there's a whole new world of excitement and opportunity going on here as of last night. I am hanging my first solo art show here next week, so I have also been busy

.Attitude and humor get us through a lot, and I'm finding the message boards here get me through even more.

I also worry about the dependence, but is more a temporary, situational change at the moment. We live in Guanajuato, a unesco world heritage site that is home to 5 universities. We also host Festival Cervantino, the premiere latin american arts festival in the world. Theaters, symphonies in the park and many museums make this place paradise in our eyes. We have a few acquaintances, and are starting to meet friends with similar interests. Like a college town, our little valley doesn't have everything, (like a Home Depot) but we can find it in the next town over, about an hour away. I'm sure we can find english speaking support groups somewhere, but right now we are concentrating on the basics, like finding a doctor and learning the words for, "Hey, your chicken is in the street."

Thanks for writing. It's these little bits of "therapy" that seem to be helping me.It's nice to share with someone who understandsl freaked out.

 

[IvyMillie]

Wow that sounds like a great place to live and really a place that you both are very comfortable with. That should make it very nice fore you. It sounds like you have many good and exciting things happening in your artistic and musical endeavors. So it's great you have many positives.

I'll have to think about what you said about what to say in the middle of an argument. It sounds like in that situation you can't really win. You do seem to be able to keep at least the argument/discussion civil so that is great. I think sometimes they just want to vent and they need someone to vent to. It's good that you know the untrue things he says are absurd and you don't take it as fact.

You may have to experiment with what you can say. Maybe afterwards when he is calm have you been able to ask him about what you could say that would help alot. It seems in communication we think we are saying the right thing--but it gets translated differently on the receiving end. I can't think of specifics but with my husband there are times I was thinking I was saying the right thing, but then he would say that that upset him more.

If you can't seem to get him to tell you. You might be able to experiment. I actually kept a journal and realized that our pattern for arguing was the same over and over again. The final option is you may just have to endure it and think about inside your head "Hmmm what am I going to make for dinner? tacos?"

Many times with PTSD they have a feeling of inadequasy and insecurity. So if he has additional things that made him feel insecure and incapable this may be heightened. My husband's first wife was very degrading to him--so he used to think that when I said something I was being the same way when I was not. That took quite a few years to get that out of his head. (thank you, first wife--sarcastic comment).

It seems like you are very supportive and like you tell him that. You may have to take even the happy times and tell him positive things, like how proud of him you are. Relationships sure are a lot of work aren't they?

I hope things continue to go well for you.

 

[Eleanor]

Thanks, Ivy. I would say my husband's rage is not quite abusive, but sometimes I do wonder what the difference is between a supporter and someone in an abusive relationship. ...

I do what you do, Ivy, and try to sit quietly, but it is hard to not say anything when his whole anger is based on something he misinterpreted and won't hear your side of the story. Every 6 weeks or so he packs his bags and tells me he's leaving, but he never does for more than maybe a few hours.
.

My husband's PTSD got bad within the last year and a half or so, and we've just figured out what it is. I used to do youth education for a battered women's shelter so I've thought about the difference between an abusive relationship and this ALOT. The difference boils down to this: a commitment on the part of the "abuser" to get help and effectively treat the disease AND very good boundaries and a commitment to care for oneself on the part of the supporter. Without these two elements I fear co-dependency is close to inevitable. And that's a bad bad road.

The hardest part for me has been to get out of my own 'machisma' and admit that taking all those emotional hits is harming me - whether they should "count" in some moral sense or not.

I am VERY worried about your saying that you are his 'therapist" too. If you are his partner, you cannot be his therapist. These are two quite different roles and responsibilities. If you WERE a competent and responsible therapist you would NEVER treat your spouse. Right? Better to tell the truth and call a spade a spade. You guys are working without a net.

Re: what to do when he is having an episode: My husband tends to replay the "script" of his parents. So I sometimes repeat to myself "I will not talk to dead people. I will not talk to dead people." I have found that repeating things in my head ("Help me God" is a favorite too) tends to distract me from the words and keep me from spinning off into my own stuff. Of course, I have to recognize that he is IN the thing first... He and I are blessed with very very good communication when he is himself - and so have worked out some "rules". When he is upset I can say stuff like "when you were not upset we agreed to do X, so that is what I am going to do." Also neutral stuff like "No one is trying to hurt you here." The only thing that's ever gotten him OUT was a request for evidence - "I'd be happy to work on my issues, but I don't understand what I am doing/saying that is distressing to you. What exactly did I say/do that you took to be contradicting you?" In that case (only once mind you) there was NOTHING for him to grab on to or that could be misinterpreted, and he realized it was all in his head. It still took him a couple of hours to "come down" but it was better. Don't know if it was a one shot thing - or whether it might be a "way in." Tough to do though, because there can't be ANYTHING to hang his script on.

A thought - you have internet access (obviously). Could you skype a therapist who speaks english?

 

[Lemmingnot]

Thank you for your thoughts, Eleanor. My husband has found a therapist he wants to work with, his meds have changed, he's sleeping better and things seem to be looking up. Several people have offered advice that has helped us run a little smoother this time, and I cannot thank everyone enough.

As someone blessed with very good communication, you must also provide an ear for your spouse when he's down, or ask about apparent difficulties you perceive.Perhaps therapist is the wrong word, I am a wife who will hold my husband while he cries. I ask him about his life, and he bounces ideas off of me. At times he talks about traumatic incidents and I try to help him through these memories without belittling his trust. Wife, therapist, call it what you will. Maybe partners of sufferers should be called associate therapists?

When I found this website, I was looking for a better alternative, a more therapeutic (for both) approach to handling the cyclical patterns of my husband's rage. Sometimes you are the only choice for help in the middle of the night.

 

[Eleanor]

Hi Lemmingnot, I am glad things are looking up. HURRAH that your husband has found a therapist to work with!!!

I am SO glad you are finding help here. Sorry if I was reacting to a metaphor as literal. Of course we try to help our sufferers through their rough spots - and they help us through ours ...if they are good partners! My husband and I brainstorm together and try to figure out how to fix this thing. (He's an industrial troubleshooter, I am a a philosopher/rescuer of animals - fixing is what we both DO.) We are pretty sure we know what his "big" trauma is, the keystone one that he will work on in exposure therapy - and hope that a bunch of the 'littler" ones will go away with it as others have reported. I have to keep myself on a pretty tight rein to keep from thinking that I can fix this - or even that I have much control over it. I also work to maintain strong boundaries so that I don't accept the abusive behavior he shows when he is having an episode as "normal" or "acceptable". Although that leaves very open the question of how to deal with it at the time. RUN! always comes to mind - but is generally not the best option :-). So we search for other options... We certainly should get Some sort of title for this work!

You guys seem very brave to me, undertaking a move to a foreign country AND dealing with this all at the same time!

 

[Lemmingnot]

Brave? My husband has been dealing with trauma since he was six. Moving to another country is nothing! We live with this, but we don't let it dictate what we can or cannot do. There is an old quote about Ginger Rodgers doing everything that Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in heels. It's kind of like that with ptsd. Some things may be more difficult, but they still get done. Too bad no one notices the extra effort of 6 inch stilettos!

No really, in spite of this ptsd, we are a team. We have had our ups & downs (both of us) with this move, but is there ever really a good time for stress? Even good stress can make you a bit crazy.

But you did provide a valuable tip in planning in advance what to say or do when these bad times come up. I'm usually caught unaware, so I'm usually at a loss as to what I did to bring out his reaction. Then I get defensive & start to fall into unhealthy patterns, like raising my voice.

After reading more forums, it's comforting to know that we are not alone in this.In fact, it seems we are pretty much a "mainstream" ptsd couple, with many of the same problems as others. I hate knowing that there are so many people out there suffering, and I wish everyone out there peace.

 

[Eleanor]

Hi L, I'm hoping it works for you! The other thing that's helped me was to write out a list of the specific words that he uses when he is going into an episode - and the themes that come to dominate his thought (You are always right, I'm always wrong. I do all the work. No one respects me. etc. etc.) Mostly I am catching when he is spiraling down, and then I at least have a fighting chance (ha) of not falling into my own rotten patterns.

I hate that there is so much suffering too.

And I still think you are brave.:p

 

[GooSpanish]

Hello,
I have loved and supported my husband for 11* years. I don't know if I could have survived some of the childhood trauma that he has and turned out to be as good of a man as he has. We love each other dearly and I need some help.

Life has gotten pretty hard for him lately, and unfortunately we are having trouble finding a psychiatrist who speaks english here in Guanajuato, Mexico. So, being the only other person who speaks english for many miles, I have become both the receiver of his rage and his therapist. I am the only person in his life on a daily basis, and we are together for 24 hours a day.

I realize everybody is different, but I'm looking for ways to defuse a situation, hints to help with the rage. I try not to take him personally when he is like this, but I'm sure I can improve my own responses to help him at these times. Sometimes I need to think quick, use whatever I have on hand, hence my MaGyver approach here.All we have is each other, we won't see family till the holidays in a few months.
I'm new here, and there is a lot of information...can someone point me in the right direction to start
learning healthy ways to react to ptsd rage directed at yourself?

I'm in Guanajuanto Mexico too. My friends daughter is having anger problems. You said you found someone. Is their a way to send me the name of the person. And a phone number for them. That might help a lot.