General Is There A "profile" Of Supporters? Looking For A Pattern...

[ronnalee]

:barefoot: I look back and see that the 'best part' of our marriage was the 'Honeymoon' period. We had two good years and the last five have been not-so-good.

I see that my sufferer doesn't deem himself worthy enough to merit living a life that is pleasant for himself and of course this would impact those of us who love him in a lovely way. He sees himself as worthy of continuing to suffer and he has moved on to other people and other avenues to try to find another honeymoon period with. :(

He has processed his leave of me. I am processing being the dumpee or dumped one. :(

He no longer has the capability of being a lovely man toward me and I am unhappy to see him perishing rather than thriving. That being said, I have a very good supportive system of friends who are 'loving on me' and caring for me. :)

Our bf's/gf's and partners make choices in their existence. I am thrilled to see progress made for some here. I am not-so-thrilled to see my sufferer continue down a spiral that harms so many.

:D And I am so grateful for this place.:D A place where I can learn stuff and hear stuff, good or bad or inbetween. :whistling:

 

[BloomInWinter]

I would think that supporters, by virtue of them self-identifying as such, share some traits I have noticed on here and in real life (& I am one)...

-loyalty
-willingness
-empathetic
-easy to talk to
-hopeful
-organized
-teachable
-focused
-helpful
-independent

I suspect that some of these 'gifts' that supporters might overdevelop as necessary to the impoverishment of the other gifts can cause their lives to become out of balance.

For example, if one of my symptoms is to be really forgetful, a supporter might spend more time focusing on their 'organization' skills to attempt to compensate my lack. Some of this is normal stuff. But if the supporter gives up too much of self in doing so, that part - like less sleeping - ends up wearing down the psyche even in a healthy person.

Or if my supporter becomes too helpful, it can cause them to give up time taking self-care, about which I feel guilty and less competent, thus spiraling us both.

The biggest blind spot I think we share as supporters is in thinking we know our sufferer's needs and bending ourselves into a pretzel to deal with that assumption.

We don't, not really. We can try to guess, and sometimes we're right. But even when I state my needs, I'm often wrong, because I'm stating things I needed when I was in my trauma from the memory du jour...not what will help me right now.

But if my supporter takes care of his needs, consistently and with communication...it helps me meet my own.

 

[Adrienne]

BloomInWinter, you make me so grateful for having joined this forum. I think you are right-on (when it comes to me, at least). Thanks for putting it so eloquently.

 

[IvyMillie]

I just wanted to say that I think it's really hard to understand the dynamics of why we fall in love with certain people. What attracts us to that person? It's a very weird thing and I don't think there is one single answer for all of us.

I've shared this before but I know that I was attracted to someone with PTSD because of my childhood. I believe my sister had PTSD and my mother is bipolar. I survived my childhood with plenty of scars.

I think that I was attracted to that crazy behavior of PTSD. I'm not sure though if it was to fix those relationships and things in me as is a common theory. Perhaps it was because that's what was comfortable for me. Either way it's pretty terrible because being with someone with PTSD is a double whammy because it does make me relive some of those absolutely awful childhood feelings of abandonment and feeling put down etc and more etc.

I've only been married to my husband and I haven't had any other relationships. Would I chose the same kind of person? I don't know. I just know that the few nice people that liked me before I was married, we were just friends I wasn't attracted to them.

Life and relationships don't always fit into neat little boxes.

 

[Eleanor]

Bloom :x3: (blush) .

right.

But anyway I think I figured out something for ME today. PTSD is having a lot of time inappropriate anxiety and the expressing it/experiencing it in ways not strictly attached to the present moment. What's the opposite? Another anxiety disorder, right? So I thought - ok, but I don't have an anxiety disorder. Heck, I don't even have anxiety. Ever. Uh oh. Nobody has no anxiety. Fine, what do I do with MY anxiety. Answer: I stuff it. In a very secret box and I disappear it so fast that no one, including me, ever notices it was there. Hmmm. Perhaps this is why I am totally and completely exhausted? My H reminds me that the cracks began to show after we figured out he has PTSD and I noticed my anxiety when his started to escalate - only because I had to go the bathroom more. Fight or flight anyone? I didn't "feel" anxious - only my body did. Whoops.

I had noticed before that I "scare" far less easily than other people. A fact that was obscure to me for years. I believed myself to be a bit of a coward (until a mountain of evidence to the contrary piled up) because my best friend growing up lacked the "fear" circuit entirely. They just forgot to install it in her. But that is another story. Anyway, I guess it is hard to get to scared if you just NEVER EVER feel it.

Great. Now I get to experience anxiety. whoopee.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I do wonder just how much our suppoerters truly have to negate or blunt their responses to counter our reactivity. It can't be healthy to have to swallow down normal responses because a normal response will yield a much greater reaction.

I know I ate, drank away a lot of my unexpressed feelings.

I think the dance now with my hubby is trying to achieve a balance where we both can safely identify and express our feelings.

 

[Mrs. T]

Just wanted to say that I'm enjoying this thread. Some very interesting and valuable points have been made. Just don't have anything to contribute at this point.

 

[Adrienne]

I have always thought of myself as "flexible" (open to redirecting my focus at any moment – generally very willing to reprioritize). At a certain age I realized that this was a strength not everyone had, and I started to move "flexibility" up my list of personality traits. I really over-developed it (as BloomInWinter would say). I stopped asking myself, "what do I want in this situation?" I put other people's interests and desires before mine. I just wanted to be the best "me" I could be, and in my mind that was a VERY flexible person.

That attitude has worked well enough with friends and family. They love my easygoing demeanor. I always get invited on outings and to parties. At work, I am adored for my happy flexibility, and I've received tons of praise for it.

Then I started dating a guy with PTSD. First, as a flexible individual, I was mentally open to him (to how he must feel, the weird ways he reacts to it, the plethora of things he can't do because of it). And then, I made treating the PTSD priority #1. I wanted to "be there" for him whenever and however he needed me, because that's how I see myself: as a flexible, helpful and stable individual.

But PTSD is not "YOU choose the restaurant." It is constant and unrelenting. The more I made PTSD my first priority, the more I lost sight of everything I wanted in life AND the more depressed I became. His first priority (managing his PTSD) can definitely NOT be my first priority. So I've learned that identifying myself primarily as an easygoing, flexible person, doesn't work in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer. With my partner, I need to set boundaries, and ask myself a whole ton, "what do I want in this situation?"

In a lot of ways, my relationship with a PTSD sufferer has shown me the error of my ways.

Eleanor, I am wondering if your story is similar...? Maybe you started out being a little brave. Over time you became an expert at stuffing fear in a box, but now you're in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer and you have yourself a full-time job as a fear stuffer, and it sucks...? Hope I am not overstepping my bounds. I am just very thankful for this thread.

 

[Adrienne]

Following up my very long post with a short one.

I took a look at this site's co-dependency page. I don't think I am clinically co-dependent (if such a thing is possible) but I do think I am on the "co-dependent spectrum" (yes, I just made up that term). I moved myself there because of positive experiences.

If there is a common thread among carers, I wonder if it is being on that "co-dependent spectrum," whether because of positive or negative past experiences. My PTSD sufferer should thank his lucky stars that I am on the co-dependent spectrum, because if I hadn't been, we probably wouldn't have made it past date #3. But now I'm all in, and we're two peas in a pod both taking care of our OWN emotional states (or learning how to). Fingers crossed...

 

[Eleanor]

I started to move "flexibility" up my list of personality traits. I really over-developed it (as BloomInWinter would say). I stopped asking myself, "what do I want in this situation?" I put other people's interests and desires before mine.


... So I've learned that identifying myself primarily as an easygoing, flexible person, doesn't work in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer. With my partner, I need to set boundaries, and ask myself a whole ton, "what do I want in this situation?"


...In a lot of ways, my relationship with a PTSD sufferer has shown me the error of my ways.

Eleanor, I am wondering if your story is similar...? Maybe you started out being a little brave. Over time you became an expert at stuffing fear in a box, but now you're in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer and you have yourself a full-time job as a fear stuffer, and it sucks...? Hope I am not overstepping my bounds. I am just very thankful for this thread.

You are on the money, and not overstepping at all. I asked the question after all!:geek:

I think this is right - flexibility, lack of feeling anxiety (which probably accounts for a lot of inflexibility in others) and lack of anything resembling healthy fear... it got me into this relationship - but its not sustainable. It is so ... remarkable - I keep getting put into situations where I HAVE to decide what I want in the situation, and find myself... remarkably unclear on just that point:eek: So I am having to relearn how to feel my anxiety (which I have, after all, just very very cleverly hidden:ninja:) And I am on notice about being infinitely flexible - not a good thing with H's episodes. I've been over flexible about his treatment of our daughter - and we are working on that.

So maybe the "opposite" of PTSD - the yin to its yang as it were, is super under-responding to fear and threats - rather than the PTSD "overwhelming emotional force" response.

Interestingly we both read micro-expressions and are very very good at body language and tone....