I Don't Want To Do This Anymore

[fairywings]

My mother and sister moved to Texas after Katrina. I knew they would come home so I waited. I called mom everyday. I really missed them and told them.

I called mom around a week ago and she told me she was sick and could no longer walk.
She also is losing her motor skills. I called my sister and explained to her I was concerned and asked her what she could do to help mom.

She lost it and said I am not my mothers keeper! I have two kids to raise and you need to leave me alone. Though she calls me every time she has a relationship problem.

I also had major changes in my life , a hysterectomy and some pretty bad stuff to deal with. I only got a card and two phone calls from mom after I got out of the hospital. I am a very strong person but I want to be cared about.

Mom has been keeping the kids while my sister gets her hair done goes shopping and to the gym. And other stuff. Everyday she dumps them on mom and they are 3 months and 2 years old. My sisters boyfriend gets her anything she needs and takes care of the kids. He is not very kind but is responsible.

I am really sick over this. It spun me around. Today is the first day I got out of the house in three days. I really felt disconnected and out of it. I had a severe migrane and sick stomache. All I could do was worry.

I just don't want to do this anymore, but I feel quilty. Who is going to help them? And how do I leave them? I have been there for them emotionally since my father's death. Around twenty years. I just don't know what to do.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi Fairywings, Your plate is full and overloaded and falling off. You have too much going on right now having to recover from surgery. I know you are worried about your mom.

Can you call your moms doctor or hospital and get a list of caregivers for your mom? That would take care of her, and leave you free.

I am sorry your sister does not care, that makes it so much harder when a parent needs full time care. I am sorry you have so much to face and deal with.

But this has been coming on for a long time, you sound tired of dealing with it. I hope you can get some distance between your sister and you. Sounds like it is time to set some limits and boundries with your sister and her relationship problems.

It is sad but you have to do these things if you want to feel sain that is. I am wishing you the best in whatever you do decide. Hugs.

 

[BigBear]

Fairywings,

You really have no control over this. Your mom would have to move back for you to be real help. Your sister is clearly on her own and is a big girl. I think all you can do is give them good/wise advice (and pray for them if you have'em) but understand that they will probably not take it. Each has a right to be on their own and each is responsible for them selves...

Love them, but give them room to live...

Bear

 

[fairywings]

Thanks Gizmo,

You're very perceptive, it has been a long time coming. I certainly can call my moms hospital and talk to her caregivers although I don't think she has any yet.

I am doing to start an online diary soon so I can understand myself and heal more.
I just can't keep getting flipped around with all of their stuff. I can't do it anymore. Everyday is a crisis day for them.

I wonder if anyone has an idea for letting their entire family know in a nice way, that you no longer are a part of the family? Maybe a letter.

The only one I will not send it to is my brother who is really struggling with P T S D from the Gulf War. I let him know already my phone is always open to him.

 

[fairywings]

I talked to mom and she is talking to her doctor and getting more care. I've decided to work on my recovery.

 

[fairywings]

Fairywings,

You really have no control over this. Your mom would have to move back for you to be real help. Your sister is clearly on her own and is a big girl. I think all you can do is give them good/wise advice (and pray for them if you have'em) but understand that they will probably not take it. Each has a right to be on their own and each is responsible for them selves...

Love them, but give them room to live...

Bear

I agree. That's very good advice:)

 

[AzureMind]

At times, the best thing we can do is 'temporarily detach' from our toxic relationships; At times, we are so invested in those relationships that we loose ourselves in them out of a deep-seated feeling of obligation to those we SWORE to protect under ANY and ALL circumstances. I had to learn to defensively detach from my family for a rather 'touchy' situation but I find that my life is a little more manageable.

At times, these relationships swallow us whole to the point even the ones where there is no physical abuse...the verbal/emotional abuse and neglect we suffer can be JUST as damaging as the physical, and can leave lasting scars on your mind/soul. You have to understand FW, that the recovery/health of your family members is really in their hands alone; you cannot save them even if you were to save yourself, because free-will is the determining factor in their decisions, just as it is apart of yours; you're taking on WAY too much at once, and you're going to probably end up neglecting yourself, and making your condition worse because of your worrying about your mother's condition and feeling like you have been the "self-appointed nurses maid" for her and your sister. Not saying you can't go to consultations with your mother about her condition/health, but you have to be in YOUR corner if no one else is, otherwise, you'll deteriorate, wither, and continue down the painful road your on.

All that is left for you is to focus on your recovery primarily, and when you have a little time, try talking to a family therapist about how to approach this situation; having a third party that is trained in this delicate area can help a great deal. :) there's no crime in loving them, but loving ANYONE to death, is a crime in itself with no culprit to blame but yourself...you don't have to go down that road, and you've got support with the forums, someone who maybe more knowledgeable about your circumstances may be able to help you further than we could, or you could alone.

 

[fairywings]

I totally agree Azure.

I have been conditioned to protect them. Somehow I feel like they are sicker than I am. I look at the tragic things they have done to themselves and I want to help them.
But after getting on this board and finally having people in my corner I see it differently.

I am putting myself first. It is a simple thing to say but it is huge for me.
I am taking much better care of myself already. I've been brainwashed by them to think I am
not worth anything really. Sad but it is true. I neglected my emotional needs for them.

No one in the family really has anything to do with them. I thought I could help.
It isn't my place to save them especially if they do not want it. Yes, they want it on their terms. They will react violently if you try to help them and it interferes with the toxic way they live.

It is hard to find therapy in this state. Because it is so damaged by the hurricane that I think everyone is sick with depression and ptsd etc. I would think every single person has to be affected. Everyone has their own horror story from the hurricane (Katrina) there is really no one to talk to. But I can ask my psychiatrist to hook me up with one. She's really good about that. And she is an excellent doctor.

The thing that really got to me the way my (mom and sister) reacted to my surgery. As if it was no big deal. I would NEVER treat them that way. The same thing happened to my last relationship. I had the flu and asked my BF to get me soup and he said "I can't because I am playing poker." That's a deal breaker.

It is hard for me to post because it's sad to read my writing but it seems to help a lot. At least I am really looking at myself . But I'm thinking is this my life!??:(

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, You are worth so much. You are a valuable human being with so much to offer. I am glad you are taking such good care of yourself. I can relate to what you write. I survived better than my family. I have suvivors guilt for that which I am struggling to get rid of. People have to hit bottom before they reach out for help. And for some people there is no bottom. It is heartbreaking and harsh when it is your family of origin.

You are learning and growing. I am glad you are doing so much better now than you were at first. You are not alone. Letting go is a part of life, easier said than done. I struggle with this one myself.

I hope you have a wonderful day.

 

[fairywings]

Thank you Gizmo,
It is SO sad that some people don't hit bottom, especially family. I simply can't watch anymore!

I am sorry about your family but I am glad you can relate. I guess that's why I love this place I can finally relate to other people. It's a lonely sad world when no one understands.

And thank you:) I am having such a nice day taking care of myself. I hope yours is too:)

 

[AzureMind]

I have been conditioned to protect them. Somehow I feel like they are sicker than I am. I look at the tragic things they have done to themselves and I want to help them.
But after getting on this board and finally having people in my corner I see it differently.


It is hard for me to post because it's sad to read my writing but it seems to help a lot. At least I am really looking at myself . But I'm thinking is this my life!??:(

FW,

It's not a bad thing to love your family, it's only bad to love them so painfully closely that you internalize their toxic behavior/reactions towards yourself, which can destroy your self-esteem; it's like opening a link between yourself and them, and you're downloading all that negativity, and you don't deserve it at ALL. :) But that quality you've got to protect is a GREAT quality to have; one I think you'd be best using on yourself for now, and possibly towards a family in the future if that's your desire to pursue. It's one that I REALLY admire and makes me think positively of people so thanks for that :)

AS far as your family goes, people who never learn to exercise personal accountability never learn HOW to change their circumstances; they keep the "blame circle" going round and pointing the finger, forgetting that 3 fingers points back at themselves...the ratio's says it all; 3 fingers pointing back at you, but only 2 in the direction of the other person...(the two being the thumb and index finger but you knew that :))

I feel/empathize with you when you think "Is this my life!??" I learned just recently to appreciate myself for what I've got going for me, and it helps with self-esteem, and knowing that I'm older, and I can think for myself, I don't have to take anyone's crap I don't consider worthwhile; it's what keeps me from flipping out most days...so you know what FW, yup, it's your life; and it can be a cool one if you want!

Now, as far a therapist goes, if you need one but don't have access to one, I suggest looking for support groups that talk about co-dependency, family issues, and PTSD, you can be in multiple groups, but the point is you gotta keep up your work, and keep yourself happy, some days, you'll feel like shooting the sun outta the sky, but instead, try to laugh at that feeling! Usually, I see a cartoon-kid version of myself doing it, and I just laugh...imagination is a GREAT help and most sufferers of PTSD have it, so I hope you use yours to find yourself :)

 

[fairywings]

You're welcome:) Azure, I was a caretaker for awhile in my 20 s and loved it. My patients loved me back so I guess it's my nature. My sun sign "Leo the Lion" is a protective sign.

My imagination is great. I know because , my teacher sent home a blank piece of paper "supposed to have answers to a test on it" and said Lisa's in another world.:);) My parent's didn't appreciate it at all. Apparently I "spaced out" for an hour.

I'm hoping to find myself too!:)