They Want Me To Want Something...

[Spiderallis]

I've got a couple relationships where I'm being asked to want something. Just recently my T and I have been working on why I see wanting things as a huge risk. I 'm convinced I don't deserve the things I might want, and afraid they'll be used against me somehow.

The more simple instance is my mom, my birthday is this month and she keeps asking what I'd like for a gift. I can't think of anything. She's listed off dozens of suggestions, and I don't think I'd really use any of them. I don't want anything, I don't want a birthday at all. The mixer she talked me into last year is still sitting in the box, unopened.

The guy I'm seeing has said he'd like it if I asked for something. He gave examples of "I'd like to go here and get something to eat" or "I'd like to try ___." Lack of appetite and a tight budget makes going for food not all that appealing, and I can't think of anything that might be fun or interesting to do.

I don't know how to explain to them how difficult it is to ask for things. How can I say I feel like I don't deserve the help and love they've already given me? I'm not ready to want anything. That's a few steps down the road from accepting that it's not wrong to have what I have.

 

[anthony]

The more simple instance is my mom, my birthday is this month and she keeps asking what I'd like for a gift. I can't think of anything. She's listed off dozens of suggestions, and I don't think I'd really use any of them. I don't want anything, I don't want a birthday at all. The mixer she talked me into last year is still sitting in the box, unopened.

Maybe the simple solution so your mother feels she has done something for your birthday, is to accept a gift card to a store that you use, so you can use the money for something you would buy... thus a gift is not wasted.

I don't know how to explain to them how difficult it is to ask for things.

Everything isn't about you though either, which is all you've mentioned. Again... the gift of giving in itself makes others feel good. There are two people involved, the giver and the givee. Again... maybe the solution is to simply state you would rather a gift card, which lets you think about things until you decide... or need something, hence both parties are then satisfied.

 

[Red Feather]

I have the same problem. Wanting something is scary because it can mean that it might not happen. Also not wanting something is a problem for me. I posted about this yesterday. I feel my ability to be critical about things has greatly been reduced since my crisis. It might never have been very strong, but it was much stronger than it is now.

A few months ago, I could have cared less if my bank account was in huge debt. Of course it bothered me but not enough for me to feel motivated to change it. And I know that if you can't dislike things, then you also can't like things. I don't think it is a depression. I think the problem is due to dissociations. That's my opinion. I also never felt like I had my own culture, which is a problem if you are an artist. There is nothing to identify with.

Right now one of the things I want is to keep my home. My home is the only thing keeping me stable.

I also find myself working with other people's desires, which is dangerous and a first sign of codependancy. :(

 

[Spiderallis]

Thanks Anthony, I forgot about the other side of it. A giftcard is a great idea, maybe to a bookstore or a art-and-craft supply shop. It's brilliant, mum knows I like those places and it's somewhere to mention when she asks 'Have you left the house in the last couple days?'

Nadia, I know what you mean all too well. Geez, I'm not concerned that I don't want anything, but when people I care about ask me to want something? Well, I'm on here asking why and how. Not sure if it's dissociation or low self esteem, could be depression. Whatever it is, there has to be some way to get past it. Glad to have such nice company for the journey, thank you.

 

[anthony]

We have the same issues... and quite honestly, the majority of my family went to gift cards years ago to solve that issue of buying one another things that we just don't use... or end up re-gifting to another. Gift cards are just an all round winner IMHO.