Building An Extended Support System

[AzureMind]

Currently, I've been really re-evaluating/analyzing my life. I feel lost, weak, alone, empty,and like my life isn't going ANYWHERE. I realize this is because I don't know HOW to get what I REALLY want, and I REALLY want, (and dare I say it :( :laugh: ) some friends.

With my current psychological situation, I don't know where, or WHO to turn to...my family isn't an option because most of them don't either understand the depths and severity of my issues, or they're just too busy with alot of their 'man made crisis' (which is really the summation of a lot of poor personal choices) to help me. I just don't know if I could afford myself another 'friend' who doesn't quite 'get' what situation I'm in; I'm tired of having people around me who feel 'sorry' for me, but don't lift a finger to help; I'm tired of the awkward motions about bringing this up to a friend, and at times having to even 'hide' my issues under smiles, and a seemingly extroverted personality, that drains too much mental energy to hold.

I'm going through other issues as well, besides the Dissociation/PTSD/Depression triad, but we'll leave those alone for now. My question is, how do one go about building an extended support system? People they can talk to, or do things with who UNDERSTANDS their PTSD diagnosis? People who will genuinely TRY to be there for the person, maybe not 24/7, but when I call, a sincere interest in me...I didn't get a lot of love coming up, nope, but now, I know that I need it, so how does one accomplish this?

 

[The Albatross]

Azure Mind,

Initially my support system was my sponsor (when in AA) and a couple select group members who I trusted and were farther along in recovery.

With PTSD, it's harder than recovery from alcoholism because in my area I have no 3D support system and am not at the moment doing therapy. But I have a couple of people I trust in my church, three people I can call and talk to who have mental health issues (one is not a PTSD), or this forum.

I do not mix apples and oranges outside of the above. The other people I socialize with, I do not have conversations with about my issues. I get some levity with them and try to focus and concentrate on learning how to be a friend, and learning how to identify safe people. I guess I split it up, mostly because I know that if I rely too heavily on one or two people I can wear them out or pull them down.

As far as learning how... I hit the library or book store and read about safe people, boundary setting, friendships, and I'm doing one on relationships now. Hope this helps you.

 

[The Albatross]

I was thinking more about this as I was out and about. I'll share a personal example. I still participate in a substance abuse recovery group. A bunch of people I related to split off of the group. Initially there were about 10 of us... now there are 2 (me and another gal) with intermittant participation from a couple of other people.

I (wisely) kept loose participation in the main group, because of understanding (through AA active participation) that people come & go. So I'm liberal in my recovery group expectations. But... socialization and genuine friendships... I want/need/desire longer term relationships. To do that, I hedge my bets by not involving them (unless directly asked) in my recovery. I have one friend of 20 years, a friend of 14 years, and one friend I had to detach from (IV drug dependence), Before that I had a 25 year relationship with my former roommate in the military... but I severed that one. (it became toxic)

People (we or them) wear out, paths diverge, things change... keep your options loose and know that people in recovery come and go... but finding a genuine friend is worth working for.

P.S. Beware people who desire to isolate you or cultivate an exclusive friendship relationship. I tend to be inclusive, not exclusive and enforce the boundary (respectful of their own limitations, but insistant on my own freedom to be as I wish).

 

[AzureMind]

Albatross, That was great! I was thinking about joining a local church, maybe finding some people who can wrap their heads around my experience with PTSD as well.

I get what you mean when you say not to mix apples and oranges outside. It's good to get back into the 'normal' swing of things I suppose but I always feel that there's something I have to hide and ethically, that feels wrong to me. I want to associate with people who can understand, and won't just run off or be scared off by my condition; I know that normal people can give you levity, and practice with being friends and the practice of identifying safe people. But do you ever get the feeling that you have to 'hide' yourself from them? I'm all for friends but when I feel like I have to hide the 'damaged' part of myself, it's like holding my breath.

I practically LIVE at my cities library! It's the place to be! :laugh: Studying is still difficult when I'm feeling spacey, but it's calm, and still, and quiet. I like that part about it best. I'm going to look up some books on the above mentioned topics so I can accurately discern who is a safe vs. unsafe friend person.

Also, do any of you find it hard to express yourselves emotionally/socially? It's just I feel like there's a HUGE wall between me and my emotions which makes it hard to share in any genuine fun with others; I have to 'act' at times like I'm having fun. Everything just feels out of wack right now...

 

[The Albatross]

Azure Mind,

It is not hiding or unethical ... it is cultivating that in myself that inhibits piling on more than a person can bear. Friendships want commonality, or shared interests/hobbies/activities/ideology not to be hit by a tidal wave. (?)

Once the friendship is firmly established, I can be more frank and candid. I don't think it's dishonest. I don't know very many friendships based on signing up to support an "emotional cripple" (my own view of myself).

Friendships, long term ones... are more a prelude to intimacy and cultivating long term things. I temper my expectations, needs, and concentrate on being a friend rather than what I will "expect to get" or beat the shit out of myself about if I'm a poser. If I want to actualize longer term friendships, I learn about them and establish them. Some may stand, some will fall by the wayside. I will learn all the same. (sabe?)

All of the above is my personal view only. My friend Sea got it right when is symbol for tenacity/surviving/thriving was an Oak tree. Oaks stand because they spread their roots. They endure and last hundreds of years and are formidable. I have oak trees in my yard that I won't let my husband cut down to remind me of this. Recovery is like an oak tree. Friendships are like a century plant (it only blooms with consistency every 10-20 years). I find they both cultivate in me improvements.

 

[AzureMind]

I was thinking more about this as I was out and about. I'll share a personal example. I still participate in a substance abuse recovery group. A bunch of people I related to split off of the group. Initially there were about 10 of us... now there are 2 (me and another gal) with intermittant participation from a couple of other people.

So, I think you're leading me more to the idea of joining a group perhaps? I'll see if there's any groups that I can join in my local area that can help with this. Though with my other situation, I'm doubtful people will be as accepting when I divulge the truth, or it inadvertently comes out. People tend to accept what is like them....I don't know too many people who can bridge the gap of difference, with the same enthusiasm as their similarities.

I (wisely) kept loose participation in the main group, because of understanding (through AA active participation) that people come & go. So I'm liberal in my recovery group expectations. But... socialization and genuine friendships... I want/need/desire longer term relationships. To do that, I hedge my bets by not involving them (unless directly asked) in my recovery. I have one friend of 20 years, a friend of 14 years, and one friend I had to detach from (IV drug dependence), Before that I had a 25 year relationship with my former roommate in the military... but I severed that one. (it became toxic)

See? I think that's it...I'm liberal in my friendship expectations....I don't expect them to stay or last, but I do expect them to be good to me, as good to me as I am to them anyway. I'm always operating in 'survivor detachment' mode, and I can be pretty reclusive because of my PTSD and other circumstances. I do think it's AMAZING to have had friends for as long as you have! You just don't see that anymore! For what it's worth, 2 good friends beat out 20 fair-weathered ones any day to me. I don't even have the patience for people who a re toxic to me. I've considered once I leave my family that I want nothing to do with them. I want to live my life without having their gaze upon me...they couldn't help in my darkest hour, why should I share my brightest ones then?

People (we or them) wear out, paths diverge, things change... keep your options loose and know that people in recovery come and go... but finding a genuine friend is worth working for.

That much is true...somethings don't last forever, and change is a constant presence in our lives; and I find myself (much admitted like a child) constantly trying to establish some sort of 'forever' something that WON'T leave...I suppose abandonment issues are the core of my problem as well for why I emotionally 'shutdown' with people. I figure somewhere along the path, (and I'd rather it sooner than later) they reveal to me they can't stick it out with me. But you know, I've found out that there are some people, SOME people who just have a way about them that endear you to them; they anchor themselves in your life, and they're hard to get rid off you know? I'm thinking their the friends you need; I guess throughout all my problems I'm still a dyed-in-the-wool idealist; I believe the world should supply everyone with friends like that, and why CAN'T we all just be friends? That way, no one in the world would feel left out, isolated, and lonely.

 

[The Albatross]

Well, it all depends what you really want. Only you can know. If you want friends, you will be best served cultivating them in shared interests/hobbies ... if you want like minded people who understand you, you can cultivate relationships with people who share a PTSD diagnosis or find 3D groups if you're area has them.

I found, for myself I wanted both and cultivate both actively.

Re. expecting people to treat me good: "good" is sometimes a matter of interpretation between people. It can set us up for disappointment. I tend to think of friendships as a "mutual exchange" rather than good or bad. I can keep them and make the effort to sustain them or not as I see fit. I focus more on the shared interest than what I expect from somebody. ???

As far at the "truth" coming out... that is a self regulating thing. Maybe you need to cultivate that more so that you can better actualize the relationships you need? "being to you as good as you are to them" is a judgement... not the stuff of friendships.

 

[AzureMind]

Azure Mind,

It is not hiding or unethical ... it is cultivating that in myself that inhibits piling on more than a person can bear. Friendships want commonality, or shared interests/hobbies/activities/ideology not to be hit by a tidal wave. (?)

You're right; I suppose somethings can't be shared by/with all? I figured that to myself, I should be authentic, and to others...I alternate between secretiveness, and trying to make friends, based on commonality, of shared interests/hobbies etc. but for some reason when I hold something back, I feel bad; like I'm depriving the person of my WHOLE personality. I am a pretty quietly intense person, and I normally find myself trying to dial it back, or act more 'airheaded/detached' to blend in naturally with people, but I suppose for the interest of friends you should find those of like mind so they DO accept you for who, and what you are as opposed to those who you only acquaint yourself with from time to time.

 

[The Albatross]

The "feeling bad" is all you. It has no bearing on your relationship to the person. Break it down and sqaure it up... then you will find perceptually it easier to manifest what you want.

Don't get me wrong.. for a good many years I thought someone had to "accept me unconditionally" what I perceived was my whole personallity. But I found it to overwhelm most all people. Self restraint, temper the urge to be accepted, allow the bond of shared interests to form before sucumbing to the urge for full disclosure?

I actually do have about 5 people now who accept me unconditionally... after my last traumatic break. Slow, mindful, deliberate effort for cultivating a bond... then people get a whole lot more flexible.

Ran out of time... got to go. Hope something in all this is helpful. And hope when I come back others have come forward with their own styles to help you.

 

[AzureMind]

I guess, I made a promise to myself that I'd never place my emotions in the hands of another person. People can disappoint, and you can't take that personal; so I learned to ask, "if they can disappoint, then why place my emotions in their hands or in response to their presence?" it was emotionally practical to maintain some distance away from people, so as not to get embroiled in their problems, and toxic lives; but I learned that I should be thankful for the good, but never expect it, as well as learning to never be dependent on others in anyway if at all avoidable.

I remember when I was 7 and my mother told me I couldn't rely on my father, I had already known that fact. Who then, who then COULD I rely on? Or maybe the world wasn't meant to be relied upon? I just wanted to know where I stood with the world, because everything seems so chaotic, and disorderly; disorderly in that there's so much caprice, and whim that people move by, and with never having known true security emotional, mental, or physical, I suppose that leaves me here, still struggling with the basics of friendship, and trust; never really knowing how much I need it, but refuse myself it in the same breath...irritating to say the very least.

 

[brokenbones]

I struggle with this, too. My therapist has said that I 'over-protect' myself because of PTSD. I hold myself too far away from people, because I am afraid of their craziness. Most people are kind of screwed up, and I've made serious choices about who I want in my life, and who I do not. For me, I see my high pickiness to be "good and bad". It's good, because I carefully choose healthy people who are right for me. I try not to get down on myself if I find someone intolerable for whatever reason. ("Why can I not just be cool, hang around that person, when others seem to love their company?") I have to trust my own inner guidance about who is appropriate for me or not. On the other hand, this over-protectiveness can pull me away from socializing more. I feel it likely sends out the energy 'not interested', when in fact I probably would be interested if I wasn't so scared of people in general.

I get the feeling of not sharing all that you are with people. People always ask questions that are awkward to answer. For example, I don't work, and dread the "what do you do for a living?" question. "How are you?" is sort of a silly question for me, because I am struggling so deeply with my symptoms right now. I completely lie. This is not unethical, at all. We each have the right to disclose what we want to disclose to whomever. People interact with each other for commonality, to converse, and not necessarily to know everything about us. It is just to interact. Of course, it is nice when the friendship gets to a point where I can open up a bit, disclose the truth about me. But, I only share if I feel I can trust the person. A lot, most, people are extremely uncomfortable with 'real life', heavy issues. Even if they haven't experienced heavy stuff, everyone has a relationship to difficulty, and many people repress it, and don't have the skills to talk about it. So, I look for people who I feel comfortable around (as much as that is possible), and who are high quality people. Recently I've been hanging around a few people who have experienced a lot of tough times. With them, I can be much more off the cuff, because I know they know what I'm talking about, and they don't stigmatize me for my difficulties.

I hope you find some people to hang around. As much as I, like you, want to socialize more, gosh it's hard. I try to tell myself that people are well-meaning, and they are, generally. But everyone's got their own issues, and I feel so raw, like I would get too hurt by being exposed to them. Baby steps...

 

[zbztster]

This is heavy, thanks for taking the time to address it so thoroughly.