Relationship New Here, Tips Needed Please.

[Tammylynn]

Hi there,

Well I'm new here and so pleased I've found you. I had no knowledge of PTSD except what I've read on here (Anthony's PDF and a few posts).

I'm in a relationship with a gorgeous guy for 6 months now, he had a serious combat incident a number of years ago and suffered PTSD. When I met him he told me about it, but said he's the best he's ever been and I didn't really think much more about it. All has gone swimmingly except mood swings every few weeks, but it'd only last a few days, then back to normal. He's shut himself off a few times and just says he wants to be alone, and then I give him the space he wants, just returning texts not sending them first etc.

He had, I guess a PTSD episode (sorry I'm not really sure what to call it) three days ago. He was in a mood on Sunday and was pretty vile to me. I brought it up the next day, when he was calmer that its not acceptable to talk to me or treat me that way and it must have filled his stress cup way to far, as he went into melt down. I've not seen him or spoken since, but we've texted. He emailed me to say sorry and that he is really low and wants me to be happy and therefore can't be in a relationship. He's since changed his mind. Anyway, I know this story must be familiar with other supporters.

I'm sorry for the long post, but wanted to give a little background.

My questions are, how and what boundaries do you set?
How do you not get affected by being pushed away? I think I acted sensitively to him, but feel deflated and like a little of my love for him has been lost.
I'm also worried about the effect it would have on my children if we were to live together and he shuts down on them?

Thank you for reading this post.

 

[BigBear]

My questions are, how and what boundaries do you set?

I think that you set a good boundary. No one likes to be told they have limits. But we all need to be told that. I really don't think that you can anticipate what boundaries need to be set. Your safety is very important and is non-negotiable. But there are things that will trigger him. You'll wonder why they should be a boundary. It just doesn't mater however, it must be for him. In the same way, you have your personal quirks. He must accept them as boundaries... But you may not know them until it specifically comes up.

How do you not get affected by being pushed away? I think I acted sensitively to him, but feel deflated and like a little of my love for him has been lost.

Of course it hurts. It should. And it always should. But the good news is it doesn't have to be forever. That is one part of the puzzle that he may recover from. But it can take years and years.

I'm also worried about the effect it would have on my children if we were to live together and he shuts down on them?

Children in a loving house hold are far stronger than you'd ever imagine. They just need to know that you love them and are covering their backs. Then they'll become the backbone of a great army of support for not only him, but for you as well. Tell them what of the truth is right for the level of their minds. Love them unerringly. Help him to show his love for them. It will make them much better men and women...

Bear

 

[celia]

Hi Tamm,
This forum has been very healing for me. I'm glad you found it too.

Tamm, I think we are all trying to figure this out together. I have experienced exactly what you have several times. Its amazing how beautiful and wonderful it can be when they are themselves. I was and have no idea if I still am or maybe or might be or will be in this relationship again.

I'm healing right now and hanging on to hope. Its been 2 months since he spoke to me and he said vile things to me, shocking things to me. I also have a 4 year old and there was a time that I lived with him for 8 months.

When he would shut down and I didn't understand what was going on....I couldn't understand why he was putting my son on the silent treatment. My son adores him and they play well together and are affectionate on the good days. I confronted him about the silent treatment or his moods and told him never to treat my son like that etc. I tried to set some boundaries.

Things would work out for a time, but...it seems that when I either reacted , got mad, or told him not to treat me that way he got very mad and triggered and it would end up being all my fault and I would end up apologizing. Its really confusing.

Tamm its not easy to look at someone you love so much and not no when the tide is going to turn. Especially when its a gorgeous wonderful man that you are so proud of. Unconditional love is absolutely necessary in this sort of relationship. Lots of strength.

When he pulls away , you did the right thing...letting him come to you. I wasn't so good at that in the beginning.

We are here for you whenever you need us.

 

[BigBear]

Super, Celia!

 

[Tammylynn]

Thank you for your replies. I'm glad I've found some where for this type of support. Thank you.

 

[sad2010]

Tammylynn, I dont post much here, sometimes Im so overwhelmed I cant say or type anything.

Just coming here and knowing that Im not crazy and reading the supportive posts from this group, gives me the support and strength I need as I "over analyze" and wear myself out, with the should I stay or should I go.

One thing I have learned from this group and being in this for so long, please take care of yourself, please do this, if you dont you will get worn down, and its hard to get back on stable ground.

You count, just remember you dont have to stop loving them, you can just love them from a distance, pray for them, and move on with your life.

This is a painful growing experience, just please take care of YOU :eek:)

 

[charlieb]

Hi
Take a fools advice, end it while you can, I may sound selfish but it's only been six months, believe me when I say that there are other fish in the sea and all that. The road you are taking is the toughest of never ending climbs, when you feel like they are getting better or you're making progress you'll be knocked back to square one time and time again.

If for no one else think of your kids, you do not want them involved when all hell breaks lose or the house is like time bomb waiting to explode. Join a club, take the kids and travel, get a pet, buy a mills and boon! don't get any more involved with this guy.

Move on.
Charlie

 

[anthony]

My questions are, how and what boundaries do you set?
How do you not get affected by being pushed away? I think I acted sensitively to him, but feel deflated and like a little of my love for him has been lost.
I'm also worried about the effect it would have on my children if we were to live together and he shuts down on them?

All valid questions and concerns IMHO. I will leave most for supporters.

In regards to boundaries, you must come first. You must always decide based on what protects you and your kids.

Saying that, PTSD is a whirlwind to summate at the best of times. If you were happy with just occasional moods, then that is acceptable if the good outweigh the bad. The problem with PTSD is that if he is getting into a funk, then that can last months or years. Are you prepared to support him if he tries to get better?

I know some may simply conclude, dump him... though love is never that easy.

Kids... that is another issue. Kids can be both calming and stressful to someone with PTSD. How a person responds will not be known until living together. How they respond at each part of the childs life... also an unknown. That is like asking whether you can know how you will respond to your own child when a baby, then toddler, then teenager, then young adult, etc. All unknowns...

Everything outside a sufferer themselves, is a possible stressor for them. It all depends how well that person is handling life, able to communicate issues to resolve them, etc etc.

In simplistic terms... its complicated and something you have to judge based on what you feel.