How Do I Best Help The Woman I Love?

[CorumD]

First of all my greetings to everyone on the forum. I am not myself suffering from PTSD but I have recently been involved with a lady who I think is and I would like to ask for some guidance on how to proceed. So off I go! I will use false names for anonymity.

I met Sue on FB from a music group where we shared common musical interests. We first talked In January 2012 and she seemed very friendly and enthusiastic from the start. We live in neighboring countries in Southern Europe and I am about an 1 hour away by plane. What surprised me about her was that Sue almost immediately told me she had had a devastating experience. She had been raped and confined in a room for about 18-20 hours in August 2011. She had had therapy and when we met online she was in a relationship with a fellow which they had started in November 2011(a little while after therapy).

I was surprised she would be so open about her experience, but we felt quite comfortable with each other. Over the months from January to May we became very close, talking daily on Skype...early May she breaks up with her BF(I did not ask her to do this but we were getting ever closer).

She seemed fine online and we decided I should go visit her in July 2012. Sue's mom was against me because I am a foreigner, and because she has not finished her studies(although she is older)..also, the mom is alone(divorced) and is afraid a serious relationship would mean Sue moving away to my country.
Anyway, I visited Sue for 7 days in July 2012 and when I visited her we were intimate almost immediately...it seemed quite natural. I did notice she was very reserved and I tried to be careful because of her rape trauma. Still, that evening Sue got a mild panic attack and had to take Bromazepan and go to the clinic the next morning...

I had no experience with such things, and Sue assured me it would be ok. I met her with her Dad the next day and we went for lunch. She seemed very much in love with me and it was apparent in many different ways. Still, I noticed over the next few days an aversion to coming to my hotel room and becoming intimate. On my last night there, we were intimate again, and as she told me after I left, AGAIN she had a panic attack afterwards...

I visited Sue again in August 2012, but the panic attacks continued when we were intimate, and I broke it off with her a few days later when I left.

We kept in touch for a couple of weeks till mid September but then she started to drift off, message infrequently then not at all. Unfortunately, I had realized then that I was deeply in love with her.

We tried to talk some times online, but she would always say "I am trembling" and that she can't talk to me. It seems that I was the actual trigger of the panic attacks..
In all honesty, I was still in the dark about how these attacks worked, and i may have pressed when i shouldn't have.

A few days ago it was her birthday, and I planned a surprise visit to her city to with her happy birthday and maybe try to work things out. Her first messages to me when she found out I had come where aggressive and in essence she was saying that I will be the death of her. I got very upset, and told her it was ok, and we didn't have to meet... Anyway, we did a day later...
The situation is as follows..

I love Sue but she says she cannot be in a relationship, and needs therapy. She also says that she did not feel the same way as I do(although I doubt this). I know she is deathly afraid of the panic, and that I bring it on. Still, that night of her birthday she was saying one thing, yet still she wanted to hug and kiss...
By the way, I am very PROUD of Sue, I think it took great courage for her to meet me and face the risk of panic...in fact, I felt bad for going and putting her through this...again, my lack of knowledge about such issues I'm afraid...

I returned home and we talked a few days later. Sue told me it would be better if we didn't talk. I then asked her is she wished me to take her off my profile but she said no.

I love this woman and would like a future with her, but I understand she needs therapy, time and space. She close friend tells me cares deeply for me, but cannot handle the panic and that I need to be patient with her...

What should I do?

Should I actually not talk to her AT ALL? Should I take her off my profile? Should I say hello maybe every month? How can I not be a burden to her?

I love her but I want what's best for her..any advice would be greatly appreciated...

 

[CorumD]

Something I forgot to mention which I believe is important...we have no contact, but she is mirroring stuff I do on FB and is speaking to me in such ways...:(

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I am a sufferer and if I were Sue, I would completely freak if you deleted me from FB. My trauma was different in that I was abused as a child, and my fear of abandonment is extreme, I know, but please don't take her off your profile. If you don't want to see her on your feed, just unsubscribe or whatever its called now.

Tell her that you care for her, and that you'll be there for her. Tell her that she can contact you when she needs to. I think that checking in with her periodically is a good thing...not every day, not once a month...somewhere in between.

The panic is a really hard thing to get a grasp on...well, I mean the panic that comes with intimacy. I've been able to get a grip on much of my other panic due to other causes, but this one is still quite out there. I'm 33 now and I've only been with one person in my whole life who has not triggered me. And by "with", I mean anything from kissing to sex. And the one guy who didn't trigger me was the most gentle with me. He wasn't pushy, wasn't aggressive in the least. I know he cares simply because he is there for me, and has been through all of the crap I've put him through.

She may very well love you, but her panic is driving her self-preservation and thus you are getting pushed away. I'm not saying to stop all romantic feelings for her, but now, if ever, is the time when you really need to be a friend to her. Think of it this way...intimacy....physical intimacy is the icing on the cake. Once she has built more trust for you, the panic will hopefully subside and you can continue a physical relationship with her.

And we PTSD'ers can be a funny breed....(nobody take offense!) The push/pull/push/pull thing is fairly common. (There are lots of posts on the forum relating to this issue) The logical thing would be to pull those who care about you close to you, but this isn't always the case. We panic, we freak out and we push people away. We think we're damaged. We think that people are better off without us burdening them. But then, sometimes we feel better and re-establish contact with people, only to go through this cycle again when things become stressful. I'm not saying it's you, rather this is something that a lot of us deal with.

What can you do? Read everything you can here on the forum. Read the sufferers sections. Read the supporters sections. Read the wiki. Read it all. Get books on PTSD and read those, too. (There are recommendations here on the forum.) The more you know, the more you'll be able to understand what's going on with her. No, you won't understand everything, but it will help you to help her.

I wish you the best....

 

[CorumD]

Thank you for your insightful reply ScaredofLonely! I felt the same thing too...I mean, it seemed very strange that a person who felt such love just a while ago now has cut me off in many ways. That is what got me looking into PTSD and I understand what you say about her self-preservation kicking in.

It is interesting to note that she uses a lot of the same language you mention. She says stuff like "I don't feel beautiful..", "I have failed at love with you..." and it is clear to see that she is harboring feelings of shame and guilt. In fact, when I met her last week in her city for her birthday, she agreed to meet me one the second day of my 3-day visit. While coming to meet me, she texted and said "I am trembling, I don't know if I can do this.." and I replied that it was ok if she didn't!

Unfortunately, Sue also has great pressure exerted on her by her overbearing Mom, who is quite old-fashioned and I am afraid, does not acknowledge her PTSD.

I will follow your advice and say hello every 2 weeks or so, and stress that I am there for her.
Hopefully, she will be able to start therapy(money is an issue for her and I know she would not accept my help there).

I will do my best to support her and I will also try to keep you informed...thank you!

 

[99Phoenix99]

CorumD I agree with SOL on so much.

My PTSD is medically based. For years I was experimented on by doctors with more needles than I could count. And from that I associated touch with pain. However I feel like what I have in common with Sue is that being touched is a trigger. Even the idea of someone touching me makes me very anxious.

It's difficult to explain. All I can do is tell you about my last relationship. The guy I was with, my ex, I was unbelievably attracted to him. Never been more attracted to someone in my life. When I thought about him it sent me in a tizzy. I wanted him. Simple as that. We would text and talk on the phone all the time. It was AMAZING.

In person we'd have such a great time with each other. Laugh and get along like two friends who'd known each other for years. But when it started to get physical? It was awful. I was set off so badly. I couldn't help it. It was just something that's been hardwired into me. Touch is bad. Touch will hurt you.

The kicker is that I WANTED to be physical. But when it came down to it I unconsciously couldn't handle it. It's a horrible feeling. Wanting something, or rather someone, but your body not letting you. I've used this analogy before because it seems to have been well recieved so I'll use it again. Being triggered like that is something instinctual. You can't stop yourself anymore than you can stop yourself from pulling your hand out of an open fire.

I was very confused. And I sent so many mixed signals. He at times really thought I wasn't even attracted to him which couldn't have been farther from the truth. And I felt like a complete and total jerk because of it. That relationship was when my PTSD first truly showed it's ugly colors for me. And I just couldn't handle it.

I can't say that's what she's feeling, but it may very well be.

Sue has said she needs therapy and can't handle a relationship. That probably really breaks her heart admitting to that, but she's trying to be responsible. She's trying to get a handle on herself. Which is needs to be done for not only her, but you as well.

If you really want to stay in contact with her and have a future with her just be her friend. Take the physicality out of the equation. Just because you can't get physical doesn't mean you can't talk. There is a great deal of intimacy in just talking, that's something you can continue with.

However as to the lack of communication. There's a few pretty good threads out there that have been started that might be of interest to you and your situation.

1. "How Often does a person with PTSD want to be contacted"
2. "What do sufferes want to hear from their supporters"
3. "Why did he push away"

Keep strong CorumD. And please take care of yourself. And maybe you can take solace in the fact that whether we admit to it or not our supporters mean SO MUCH to us. For me there is no greater fear than losing a supporter.

 

[CorumD]

Thank you for your support and post Phoenix, unfortunately, I am finding things very difficult..
First, Sue does not contact me in any way, whether it is Skype, phone, FB, anything...and I don't want to contact her because I know she will say the same thing...that when we talk she starts to feel uneasy, feel herself trembling...you see now, it seems to be just simple chatting on the internet that makes her uneasy...
I understand that this is involuntary...:(

Furthermore, she keeps on talking about her ex to a common friend...
Her friend says she is not in love with her ex...it is just that Sue is now feeling the guilt over leaving him for me...but I cannot deny what Sue herself has told me
Specifically, that her ex DID NOT trigger panic attacks in her, even during intimacy...while I did....
Sue puts thing down to the fact that she saw her ex every day and was quite used to him, whereas we only met infrequently due to distance...but there is nothing that can be done about that at present...

In all honesty, I don't know how much of this situation is the trauma or the fact that she is just not into me anymore(possibly)...
What I do know is that her relationship with her ex seemed a bit sterile...I took her on a bit of a roller coaster ride...which she obviously was not ready to deal with...

Unfortunately, it has reached a point where I am careful what I post, I stay invisible on skype, and generally I avoid doing many things so that she does not feel pressure....but it hurts me to the core to see the picture on FB on a daily basis, see her associating with others...yet, ignoring me..

I am thinking maybe she doesn't want my support, and that maybe I will be doing her a favor by cutting all ties on FB, skype, everything...but I don't know what to do..

another part of me feels that by cutting all ties, I make it easier for myself to move on, but I actually abandon the woman I love in times when I know she may need me...maybe even seeing my profile a bit(if she does) gives her some comfort...

again, I am really mixed up, I need to read up on stuff here on the site!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Just take things slow for now. Nothing needs to be decided this instant.

She may be going back to her ex simply because he is familiar, nothing more.

 

[99Phoenix99]

You bring up a lot of points CorumD, and all are very valid for your concern. I can feel the rock and hard place that your describing.

I think keeping your distance for a little while might be best, to give both yourself and Sue time to figure some things out. I'm not saying to flat out defriend her on FB or anything drastic like that but maybe send a message to her briefly telling her how you feel? That should she ever want to talk you'd be more than happy to but not to feel pressured if she doesn't want to. That when she's ready to talk you'll be there? And maybe mention that she doesn't even really need to reply, that you just wanted to let her know? And from then on out it's up to her if she wants to contact you?

I only suggest that because this way it would give you an oppertunity to express how you feel, show her you care, and ultimately allow you to do everything you could. Because at that point the ball would be in her court and you could at least know you've done everything you could. That you've exhausted every option and that you left no stone unturned.

Or you can just tell me to stuff it. Whatever you end up doing just be kind to yourself. You have every right to be happy.

 

[CorumD]

Phoenix, I visited her for her birthday 2 weeks ago in her country..this involved taking 2 days off work, flying to her country(about 1.5 hours away)... I have shown her all the love that is in my heart...still, she does not want to communicate and I am afraid that she really does not even want me on her profile anymore. So, I cut all ties today, whether it be FB or skype... If I am a trigger for her panic, it is best I am away...and I cannot stand being ignored :(

She knows how to reach me if she wishes to, and I will be there for her...but for now, there is no contact...

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi Cd, I am sorry for your situation. :(

Could you be mixing up her panic and behaviour with what you think she feels? Although, I realize, you have to do what's best for you. Triggers, however, do not reflect feelings (necessarily), they just 'feel' a certain way because of the past experiences. It takes a lot of patience, understanding, kindness, reaching out if she can't. It's certainly not for most people, because it's very hard to negotiate, probably takes a lot of trust on both sides, and patience. It's not a personal failure, it's just not worth it, for most people (supporters). And why should they choose a difficult road?

I hope you feel better soon, though.

 

[99Phoenix99]

I cannot stand being ignored She knows how to reach me if she wishes to, and I will be there for her...but for now, there is no contact...

CorumD I'm sorry to hear that. I really am. But I would like to commend you. You've done something extremely difficult, but from the sounds of it ... extremely necessary.

Because you're right. You shouldn't be ignored. It's not fair to you. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself, that's not something I say lightly. All of that kindness and thoughtfulness you've allocated to Sue please transfer that to yourself. You've gone through great efforts, this site is only proof of that, it's clear you're a very kind person. Take some time for yourself. Allow yourself to grieve. And most importantly find a way to smile again. You deserve that.

 

[CorumD]

Thanks Meg...your words are a great help because you always feel you should have done more...but at some point, one must take a step back. Thank you for your support and guidance, I will continue to read up on posts in the forum, and although I would like to help, my knowledge is severely limited...Thanks again and God Bless you!