Back Into The World?

[Bosco2153]

I realize that I've been isolated now for over two years. I mean...I haven't walked or ridden a bus or gone to a place other than a grocery store. I don't go out my door and I feel awkward opening it and feeling sunshine and hearing the sounds of the world out there. I occasionally go across the street to the mailbox and I almost fall over with panic and oddness. Like a mole out of a hole...I even get dizzy and disoriented. Have you been there and gotten back into the world? Or...are you here too...stuck like me? I look pale and I feel crippled from sitting on this sofa the past 2 years with my laptop. I feel panic...like I'll never escape, never enjoy the sun, never carry on a regular conversation again.

 

[surviving_it_all]

I feel like this a lot. I will eventually hate the person who made it worse. He made it dramatically worse. I don't feel as I can trust my world right now. Its ok. I am gonna move and start again without him and his stimuli.

 

[Pencil]

I assume you're not in therapy. Is it something you would consider?

 

[KP the nut]

When I was at my worst. I could see myself heading down that road. I was lucky. I had amazing support from my husband and I had an amazing therapist.

My therapist would give me weekly challenges. Starting very small and building up with baby steps. Most improtantly, he taught me to be proud of the small steps I took.

It still isn't easy, but I go out for all of the usual stuff. I even joined the Womens Institute (W.I.) and manage to attend most of the monthly meetings - something I wouldn't have dreamed of 2 years ago.

 

[therapybankrupt]

I also only go out to do what I have to do at this time. I find KP an inspiration. I am looking forward to the day I can feel to open the door to a world I feel part of. Like I did Ten years ago. Right now my therapeutic work is so devastating I find myself just living between sessions. I am trying to challenge myself but like KP said baby steps.

 

[xena21]

I am right there with you. The grocery store is my outside world. I do go to therapy, but therapy doesn't always equal getting better.

 

[surviving_it_all]

The world is a hideous place. People are evil and hurt you, even the closest people to you will hurt you. Once I can just trust the world again, I would like it back. I miss coffee shop conversations. I miss the smell of a used bookstore. I miss sleeping in the grass. I miss getting drunk at a house party with friends. I miss laughing. I especially miss good laughter from people who know what makes you laugh. It feels horrible to lose those good things because so many people are so evil. I know this is a thought distortion, but its very hard to overcome.

 

[rightkindofme]

I lean heavily in the direction of agoraphobia but I have small children I am homeschooling and a guilt complex bigger than Alaska. We go to homeschooling events every week whether I like it or not. It's very hard but I force myself. I can't screw up my kids by locking them in the house.

I had to start very slow. I picked a target a mile away from my house and started trying to walk there every day I could handle being out of the house. For the first few months I had to sit down and rest every few blocks. Now I can run it without having to walk. It took me almost four years. Ugh. Progress, not perfection.

 

[The Albatross]

I actively isolated in my home for a year and a half. It began as a necessary thing due to a serious physical illness but went into full blown agoraphobia. I started setting small goals and timed challenges for myself and now can go just about anywhere mindfully, sometimes spontaneously and sometimes with planning and/or a strategy. I have not yet though normalized out of state travel. But am comfortable in my own state now. It took me a decade of chipping away... but slowly and deliberately I made the conscious decision over and over again that I was willing to be stressed and uncomfortable for finite times, repeating the situation (going to get my mail for example) over and over until those experiences became normalized.

When immediate things were normalized, like going to the bank, going grocery shopping, going to the post office, going to the vet (for my pets), going to the doctor, going to the dentist, getting a job and going to work, driving to nearby towns... I found that I was able to do a great many things in about 90 square miles. I have slowly expanded that over the past few years.

Except for the odd blip here and there now, I am largely comfortable and have low or no stress. The agoraphobic tendency is pretty much gone. It can happen. Honest.

 

[The Albatross]

I used to be a "rehabilitation aide". I think it helped me to draw on that a good deal because I over rode the aversion by thinking to myself that if this was someone else with a traumatic injury or a stroke patient, they would need to rehabilitate sometimes relearning to talk, to use arms or legs, to walk, to do daily self care activities. I decided to undertake "rehabilitating myself". Goal setting and challenges were a big, big part of that.

 

[Bosco2153]

I assume you're not in therapy. Is it something you would consider?

I am not currently seeing a psychologist because I lost trust in the one I had. I am seeing a psychiatrist bi-monthly. I can't yet get past that they're invading my every thought and move to figure me out and that pisses me off right now. I find myself analyzing THEM. I will maybe get back to it, but for now I get angry when they try to FIX me. I don't know another 'me' except for the one I am...a person with 50+ years of ptsd under my belt. I don't know if I want to let that go and get 'better' and not be allowed to be angry anymore.

 

[Pencil]

I don't know if I want to let that go and get 'better' and not be allowed to be angry anymore.

This is a very interesting observation. I believe Freud or Jung already referred to the difficulty people have with change. And I do understand the whole identity issue, but I wonder if you can't let go of / heal from some of the more debilitating PTSD symptoms, and STILL be angry. Anger is a perfectly valid emotion and response - it's not simply a symptom. Anger can be a very healthy response to shit things that happen to us.