Relationship How Do I Talk To My Boyfriend About Him Most Likely Have Ptsd?

[Ashhhy1691]

My boyfriend was an army ranger and has been in for 4 years. I met him in his first year of being in the army and we started dating soon after. He is my first love and I am his first love and he always tells me how he trusts me so much even more then his very own best friend. The same thing goes for me of course. I've been with him through two of his deployments, ranger school, all his training and being in the field, etc.

In the past I've always noticed and of course he has shown that whenever he talks about his family, he always gets angry or frustrated at himself because he wants to do more for his family. The only reason why he joined the army was because he was angry at himself and just needed to get away from being home. He wanted to join the army "to kill" to relieve all the anger he has and this is what he has told me (Hence this is why he joined as an army ranger).

Since I've known him, he would get angry and frustrated so easily as to trying to explain simple things to me constantly. I'm sorry, I'm just one of those people that doesn't understand things right off the bat. There has been times where he would tell me that I would be happier with someone else and not with him and I would always have to tell him that I want to be with him and no one else and that I love him very much. He does get nightmares a lot about his deployments or just zombies in general. He is always alert and freaks out when someone is walking up behind him.

I've brought up the fact that maybe he does have a little bit of PTSD and he just kind of shrugged it off and said maybe". As of today, I highly do believe that he does have PTSD and it sounds like it is getting worse. He recently got out at the end of June. And since May and until today he has been very distant is pushing me away. At the beginning of June, I was getting very upset as to why he just all of sudden stopped talking to me so I got a hold of him finally. He told me that he just wants space and just wants to be left alone. He had also said that he doesn't want to have to worry or care about anything or a have stupid cell phone. And then at the end of that sentence he told me that he didn't want to have a relationship with anyone (which includes with me).

This just broke my heart and makes me feel very insecure. But the one thing that actually was finally putting things together was when he admitted that he hasn't been talking to anyone really in his family and wants to be left alone and that his mind about our relationship could change in two weeks. At this time right now he is home with his family for a month and when he says his mind would change in two weeks, it would mean that he would be back in my state by that time. I had asked him what he wants to do but he keeps saying "I don't know" which shows that he is obviously unsure. He did tell me that he still loves me very much and cares for me.

I finally did some research on my own about soldiers getting out of the army and having any signs of PTSD and most of the obvious signs for PTSD is showing up with my boyfriend. We are suppose to talk when he gets back in my state but I'm not really sure how I'm suppose to talk to him about having PTSD. I'm more afraid that if I do say that he could possibly have it and is getting worse that he would get mad at me and just push me away more.

I'm really at a lose of what to do and any kind of advice or answers would be very greatful in my eyes. This is the second time I've had to post something about this on this website and nobody hasn't really said anything.....help me out you guys! (:

 

[Bilby]

Whether your boyfriend has PTSD or not isn't for me to say as I'm not a doctor, let alone a psychiatrist, but it sounds like it might be worth investigating. The fact that he said he had to kill to relieve himself of anger is seriously worrying on it's own, let alone anything else he may be experiencing.

Unfortunately, you can't make him seek help (or investigate it). He needs to want this for himself.

With respect to your relationship, I think you need to look at what it is you really want. I appreciate that you've been together for a few years, and that you clearly care about him deeply, but it's not fair on you to wait around for him, and be ready to jump back into relationship mode when it suits him. You're either in a relationship, or you're not. PTSD can certainly put strain on a relationship, but a relationship with a sufferer of PTSD is certainly possible (I'm in one myself!). There's a few key issues here - assertive communications, appropriate boundaries etc. There are some excellent threads on these subjects which you might want to look up.

 

[Hashi]

I'm not really sure how I'm suppose to talk to him about having PTSD. I'm more afraid that if I do say that he could possibly have it and is getting worse that he would get mad at me and just push me away more.

I would talk to him, but I wouldn't talk about possibly having PTSD. That isn't something you know for sure and focussing on it could be a distraction. He may not even have PTSD, but there could be other issues that have some similar symptoms.

My suggestion would be saying only what you know and what you need - that his behaviour and the uncertainty is upsetting you greatly, that you love him and want to support him, that you are asking him to see a qualified therapist/psychiatrist and get a diagnosis and treatment.

You don't need to come up with a possible diagnosis yourself. As long as the person he sees would be qualified to diagnose PTSD and/or other conditions then that can be left to them.

You need to think beforehand how you'll respond if he refuses. You have to choose whether you will have some boundaries here, or whether you're willing to be in a on/off, uncertain, painful relationship where you have no boundaries and he decides everything.

A boundary at this point doesn't have to mean you'll leave forever if his reply in the discussion is that he won't seek a diagnosis. But it might mean something like you ask him to think it over for a week and you won't have contact with him during that time. I think you need to demonstrate that you're serious. If he can refuse to address his issues or work on the relationship and there are no consequences, then whatever words you say won't matter. Your actions will be communicating to him that it's OK for him to not address things and you accept that.

You do need to have longer term boundaries in mind too. If he doesn't work on his issues, then what will you do in the long term? You have to decide on the minimum you want from the relationship. Without defining for yourself and communicating to him what your minimum needs are that have to be met, the risk is that you'll continue from week to week in increasing uncertainty and pain.

The only reason why he joined the army was because he was angry at himself and just needed to get away from being home. He wanted to join the army "to kill" to relieve all the anger he has and this is what he has told me

You don't say anything about your feelings about this information. I'm worried that you might be minimising or numbing a reaction to it. Not because I'm trying to diagnose you with anything, but because you need to pay attention to whether his anger might become dangerous for you at some point. Especially if you're planning to have a discussion that is likely to be frustrating and upsetting for him. Also, if you have not set boundaries before and you try to do so now, he may react badly.

Please make sure you're safe. I know you love him and trust him, but I'm worried that those things might be stopping you from seeing danger signs if there are any. I have to tell you that what you said here is, to me, shocking and scary. If it isn't that to you, then I'm worried that you need to be paying more attention to your own safety.