Taking A New Direction...

[falling]

I decided to stop going to my T as our sessions seem to make my anxiety worse. I haven't seen any benefits from our 'work' besides her making me realize I'm way more messed up than I had thought. I just want someone to show me how to cope with the PTSD/flashbacks and anxiety/panic attacks they bring on. I am finding my self dissociating more than ever and I'm so depressed I spend much of my time wishing I didn't have so many responsibilities and family so I could just go to sleep and never wake up. Finally I would be able to rest.

But, I know thinking like that is not normal so.....

I finally called the number given to me by Occupational Health(from my workplace) to an outside company that offers different types of free resources to aid in recovery and return to work. I have been on medical leave for 3 weeks now? Anyways, it led me to yet another T. I had little hopes that this one would actually say something helpful that I haven't already heard before. The apt was different in the sense that she didn't want me to go into the details of my different types of trauma. I gave her a brief over view but when I started to give details and show signs of anxiety she stopped me. What a relief. She asked about the people in my life that I love-my daughter, my bf, my grandmother....

She said she wanted to start CBT and hopefully see me frequently but her schedule didn't allow for it. But I'm hoping the CBT will teach me how to deal better. I've never had that type of therapy and wonder if there is any depth to it.

She asked me what I thought my daughter would want for ME in my life. Odd question. Hard question to answer.

Sometimes I think all this T and effort I put into trying to 'get better' is all just a waste of time. That it means nothing. Then I have days like I did today and I think I may actually be able to get back to 'normal'. Days where the smiles are genuine. Days with very few flashbacks. Days where I am actually truly present in the moment. It's days like that that keep me hanging on. I hope tmw will feel the same because my thoughts of wanting to quit and just go to sleep forever are starting to scare me. I don't want to hurt my daughter that way but I am often too tired to hold on to even that.

 

[oneandonlyMOM]

I can relate. I found a change in medication and a change in T can make all the difference. Only you can decide what is working and what is just turning into a routine. I found a T that is about 5 years out of school and is current on new treatment. It's working for me, hope your new approach will do the same for you. In my opinion, your daughter and your family probably don't expect you to be "normal". They want to see you happy.

 

[LisawithPTSD]

I'm so depressed I spend much of my time wishing I didn't have so many responsibilities and family so I could just go to sleep and never wake up. Finally I would be able to rest.

God, I know that feeling. Keep trying. And I will, too.

 

[Britt.f7]

I ended up hospitalized last year due to my depression and suicidal thoughts. They changed my medication, which definitely helped. Then we started therapy. My first therapist was a nice therapist, and I'm sure a good therapist, but she wasn't what I needed. I changed to another therapist and things have started to look up. Sometimes that is what you need to do, change of pace. Keep reaching out. I'm getting better, but it is not always easy going. Sometimes I do feel anxious going to my therapist, but that is more due to my issue of leaving my house. She expects that at times, so that helps. I don't always have to explain myself.

I measure how I'm doing, even on my bad days, compared to last year this time. So far I am doing so much better. If I forget, my therapist reminds me how I've improved in even the last few months.

It isn't an easy journey, but, from what I see, one we must take. I'm wishing you wellness.