Relationship Getting To Know A Man With Combat-ptsd

[FortMillian]

I met him online about 3 months ago. We've talked and laughed and have had an amazing time together. He's been very honest and open about the issues he struggles with and clearly appreciates me and my company and my support and tells me when he likes what I do for him. I was dating a few people casually when we met but now, I've decided to just date him casually. However - I haven't told him that in so many words. It's too soon to discuss "what we want in a relationship" - I figure we'll hopefully keep having fun together and eventually we'll talk about it. I have 2 kids who need my attention and I have my own practical things I want to fix about me...he's good at order - he motivates me to do better - and hopefully my tendency of being empathetic and softer allows him to let his guard down every once in a while.

We don't go out too much - public stuff can get intense - but no matter his mood or state of mind - him being closeby me makes me feel chosen - like I'm being given a rare opportunity to be the steward of a brave but subtly broken man - a gladiator - who deserves my respect and attention. I want to always give him that - I'm wondering if he'll ever need to isolate himself from me - I know that it's certainly possible.

Everyday is unique - some days he tells funny stories about his past and smiles and laughs and makes me laugh ...some days are darker - angrier - and those days I like to sit near him, look at his face while he talks and listen as he reveals truths about his experiences. He is cautious. He is paranoid, but he trusts me as much as he allows himself to. I know how big that is and I'm determined to keep his trust. Any advice?

 

[jd9900]

I'm trying hard to imagine how my wife handles this sort of thing (living with someone that has PTSD must be so exhausting...)

Well, we have a deal. It's on me to be (as your guy is) open and honest - tell her the things I can and can't do, and to let her know when those things change. To know when to isolate. It's her job to know when to recognize that (as best she can...my triggers seem very random to her, likely because they are very random.)

I think the hardest part for my wife may be watching me struggle with this so much, yet knowing there are times that she can do nothing to do to help me, I just have to work through my process and get back to being the person I want to be.

A person with an empathic nature will find certain times extremely difficult - when he starts to lose it, and you "feel" for him (I can relate to being overly empathic), it will be very trying because your instinct is going to likely be to want to do anything you can to help him, yet the only thing you can really do sometimes is just let him walk away.

Something that helps me is when I have an...episode, then finally calm down, my wife just kisses me on the forehead, or puts on a comedy show...anything nice, light, distracting and peaceful.

In conclusion, I want you to take away this - it is likely your man has a huge, kind, sensitive heart, and it is his insight and sensitivity that won't allow him to let go of the bad memories because he is struggling so hard to not be the person he had to be once that caused/contributed to this disorder.

I wish you both very well, it sounds like you care about him a lot, and if someone with PTSD, especially combat PTSD, is willing to be open with you about certain things...from my experience, with my trust issues, if I let you into my inner circle it is because I care about you a great deal. It is also a huge responsibility, and I try to explain that as well.

I hope some of this helps..

EDIT: I am sorry, I just thought of something else. It is my experience that, almost universally speaking...I have never met a person with combat PTSD that ever liked being called a "Hero." They did a job. They got out alive. When and if they are ever ready they will open up to you.

 

[FortMillian]

@jd9900 I like how you write and appreciate your insight - I'll be reading your reply a few more times to absorb it:)

 

[jd9900]

I'm glad. It helps me as well to write these things because I, too, re-read the things I write. It is helping me make better choices. Without you sharing, I would not have shared that, so let's all keep paying it forward. :)

 

[DaleD]

As a man living with combat ptsd I too know how hard it can be for loved ones. My problem is that I try and open up, but when people hear about some of what I have experienced they don't know how to react. They look at me with something like fear. So I have learned to withdraw from people.

Close intimate relationships are the hardest. To express my own feelings in a way that a partner can understand feels beyond the realm of possibility. If your man can open up to you take that as a sign. And be honest with him. If all you want is casual then let him know that. If he isolates respect it. And what ever else you do try your hardest to understand what it is that we have to deal with.

I respect your efforts and I hope I have helped.

 

[FortMillian]

If all you want is casual then let him know that. If he isolates respect it. And what ever else you do try your hardest to understand what it is that we have to deal with.

@DaleD I think I CALL how I feel "casual" so I imply that I'm not pressuring him. As far as what you say about expressing your feelings... I feel the same way about how impossible it is to explain why I do feel dedicated to him in a way that's bigger than just a casual relationship - but it's something I can't promise or predict.... but it certainly stems from my own patriotism and my admiration of his sense of sacrifice and honor. How can I make sure he can trust me? I maintain trustworthiness.... I asked him today if he minded me waiting that out..... and he answered "If you can...." I hope I can.

 

[jd9900]

I am sincerely not trying to get too personal, but I think it may help a lot if you let him know that your feelings for him are because of who he is now, not the man he was - There may be a bit of what I guess I could best describe as "Hero Worship." I get that. Unfortunately a PTSD sufferer may look at that as a trigger, or at least (at the very least) a reminder of the things he did.

Talk to him about the wonderful things he does for you in the present. Care for him for the things he is doing now; likely he is doing them all to find the peace he lost. It is also possible his willingness to do them for you, even if he isn't consistent, is very meaningful and a very hard step for him. I do hope things are going well for you two.

 

[DaleD]

In order to gain his trust you have know for yourself that you are dedicated to him. Not because you want to help him. Not because you feel bad for him, but because you KNOW that he is someone you want to be with. The best way to be trust worthy is to be open. And you might want to be patient. It isn't easy for us. I know all too well. Be ready to fight for what you want and if you don't have the strength be honest and tell him that. This might not be what you want to hear and I'm sorry but this is how I see things.

 

[jd9900]

Not because you want to help him. Not because you feel bad for him, but because you KNOW that he is someone you want to be with.

I like what you said a lot there. Actually I like everything you said in your post, and can't agree more.

 

[FortMillian]

In order to gain his trust you have know for yourself that you are dedicated to him. Not because you want to help him. Not because you feel bad for him, but because you KNOW that he is someone you want to be with.

I like what you said, too, @DaleD :) I know I want a chance to be with this man because he makes me want to be a better me because of his high standards for himself... I know he will never fault me or criticize me for taking the high road ... He thinks of me often and tells me regularly how us spending time together helps bring him some peace and some feelings that he hasn't had in a while and I thrive on that kind of positive reinforcement. He is generous and thoughtful. We connect in a wonderfully unspoken way and I'm not afraid of his demons. I know there are challenges - I already stuck my foot in my mouth chatting aimlessly and comparing the Nazis and what they did to Jews during the Holocaust to some song lyric not realizing where the triggers are and I think I hit one that day ....but I'm learning from him and filing it away so I can work on being more Considerate.

I have things in my life I like to do and things I'd like to improve about me and I feel like having him in my life brings balance - we have our separate times that we work on ourselves and times when we're together that we share a lot together. Frankly, intimacy is limited - but I'm not dissatisfied in any way - and don't anticipate being dissatisfied. We're building something very nice - no matter what it turns into.

 

[jd9900]

That is an awesome attitude. :)

 

[nursenurse]

This sounds like a great beginning, but please give yourself the gift of time. No "I love you's" for a long time. While you seem to be taking in the fact that he is opening up, I caution you if you may think you are the only one he trusts, where you are everything, so early in the game, so to speak. You have children, focus on them, do not introduce him to them for awhile. Look after your own heart first, separate from his. He sounds wonderful, as anyone who has dated anyone else feels. Trust your gut, but s-l-o-w-l-y. Too much intensity too quickly has doomed many a relationship, PTSD or not.