That "inner Child" Stuff - Is It Real?

[macca]

A while back, my T suggested "Homecoming" by John Bradshaw as being a helpful book - she called it "powerful". It took ages to arrive, and a lot happened in therapy between the suggestion and the arrival of the book (it took a month to get here!). I'm reading it, and got a couple of little shocks recognising myself in some bits, but overall - I'm skeptical. I prefer things to be based in science, and there doesn't seem to be any. That's not to say it doesn't have value - it may well do, but it doesn't seem to have been tested scientifically. But how could such a thing be measured? Yet to be a valid hypothesis in scientific terms, a thing must be measurable. And yet - some strange things have happened since my PTSD arrived full-blown (and this time I finally beat down my denial enough to get some help) - so how do I know it doesn't work, or make sense? Not much does right now.

I'm so confused about it. And scared to try it. I'm leaving it well alone while my T is on holidays for another 2-3 weeks. However - I'm wondering if anyone out there has used it and what they thought of it?

 

[digger]

so how do I know it doesn't work, or make sense?.....
I'm so confused about it. And scared to try it. However - I'm wondering if anyone out there has used it and what they thought of it?

I'm not familiar with the book you've mentioned, and 'inner child' is a term used quite a lot. Can you explain more precisely what the it you're referring to is? What exactly it is that you're scared to try?

 

[Barconian]

Macca, Stand tall my friend

 

[Bedbug]

I'm still waiting for my copy to arrive so I can't comment on the book itself. However, the idea of having an "inner child" is widely discussed.

I like the idea, but I don't take it literally. I have been using the concept lately to write a letter to myself as a child. It is a way for me to reinforce the belief that I was not responsible for what happened to me. It is forcing me to think less harshly of myself and is helping me to feel less shameful. I guess I trust myself to say these things, but find them harder to believe when someone else says them. However, I don't think this child actually exists and she will not write back.

If anything, my "child", insofar as I have one, is more beside me than inside me. I have been reading about the theory of structural dissociation of the personality and the idea of having "emotional parts" is resonating strongly with me just now. It seems like a better description of my experience than a lot of the "inner child" stuff. However, I don't fully understand the theory yet, so I'm using "inner child" as a therapeutic tool for the time being. It has definitely helped me, but I think it has limitations and could even be harmful if taken too literally.

Intrigued to read what others think while I wait for my copy of the book to arrive...

 

[macca]

@digger1 I guess it would help if you knew what I was talking about!

It's a book that states that if our needs are violated or not met in childhood, we continue to try and get those needs met as adults, essentially being like little children in adult bodies. He has a chapter on each stage, eg baby, toddler, preschooler etc, and in each stage you are to use techniques such as visualisation of your adult self giving loving attention etc to your baby self by using affirmations etc, and writing to that version of yourself, then writing with your non-dominant hand a letter back from your child self to your adult self. Some of it just seems a bit too weird. I don't take it literally of course. I'm not sure what I think really. I do see mentions of inner child stuff on the forum, and wondered if it was the same thing.

@Bedbug - yes, the structural dissociation is something that kind of makes sense to me, though I don't know yet much about it. My T has said that I seem to have "split off" a part at about 3. But that was after she said about the inner child stuff, so I'm not sure if it's the same thing, or a different thing. Did your T suggest the Homecoming book to you, or did you come across it another way?

 

[arfie]

My knowledge of the book is barely even superficial, but I am intimately familiar with that craving to have the world scientifically packaged into sanitary, "all-natural" formulas. If not the world, can I at least formulate my own self to mathematical predictability? Linear logics, please. A + B = C - D. All variables defined and precision measured.

Alas, the world is a much larger laboratory. Nature has variables and interactions science has no words for, much less instruments to measure them with or algorithms to plug them into.

Springing from there, I believe I have gained much from accepting and working with the metaphor of the inner child. Proofs are not available. I can only believe. I feel confident of the serenity which has grown from the acceptance. Still don't like the name for it, but I don't like arguing labels, either... Sigh...

Just rambling...

 

[macca]

@Barconian Thanks for the encouragement. I've had a rough trot lately, so I appreciate it.

 

[Bedbug]

@macca, I do not have a therapist. I saw the book recommended on here a while ago.

A lot of people do seem to take the notion literally. I worry about that. For me it is a useful metaphor and no more.

 

[digger]

It sounds quite similar to the Penny Parks inner child stuff that my counsellor is quite keen on. That involves writing to your inner child and getting a written response from them too, which I have to say just freaks me out! Needless to say we have not yet progressed very far with this idea! ;) And yes, the idea of nurturing, responding to the needs that weren't met as well. My counsellor has an interest in Transactional Analysis as well which brings some of this stuff in. I kind of get it as an idea and some parts of it make sense to me and I can work with, but I struggle with other parts of it, particularly seeing the inner child as something separate to the point that I can communicate with it - that idea disturbs me but I'm not sure why, if I'm avoiding it because I'm scared of it 'working' or if I just don't get it.

 

[macca]

@arfie Thanks for your input. I guess a lot of things that feel weird can still be useful, even good, even without proof. For instance, it feels weird and uncomfortable to accept a compliment, yet it is still good for me. I do know that when I am triggered and freak out, I feel and act like a little kid. I guess that hasn't been really explained by anything logical either.

@digger1 that is it - the idea of the inner child writing back just freaks me out! And, due to feeling like a little kid sometimes when I am triggered - it scares me that maybe there is a part of me frozen in the trauma. The idea of trying to go back a nuture myself in ways that I didn't get makes sense I guess, but I'm wondering if it actually works, or if it's one of those things you have to believe in for it to work.

 

[Bedbug]

I suspect that believing in the concept of an "inner child" limits how much healing can be done. If it is possible, I am more interested in integrating this part, or parts, of myself than accepting it, caring for it and protecting it as it is (was). That is why I'm finding it useful to think in terms of an "emotional part" rather than a full - and frozen - personality residing within myself. I can feel and act like a child when triggered without thinking that there is a fully formed personality, a child, throwing a tantrum inside me. That seems like a way to deflect responsibility for my actions, even while accepting that the child "is" me.

That said, this is all very new to me and I am having a hard time figuring out what I make of it. I'm sure I'll change my mind a few times yet.

 

[digger]

I suspect that believing in the concept of an "inner child" limits how much healing can be done. If it is possible, I am more interested in integrating this part, or parts, of myself than accepting it, caring for it and protecting it as it is (was).

From what I understand of the process, integration is the goal of this kind of thing, not to permanently be caring for the inner child, but that caring for it now will facilitate integration.