We do have a survival mode where we are able to block out. I have a hard time lately doing this as years of abuse have caught up with me and yes, it seems my brain has a m ind of its own. I am learning to put boundaries not only in relationships but also for my memories. Not to block out for ever as Ive tried, but to "put them on a shelf" so to speak to deal with when its more appropriate time. I am also a recovering alcoholic and certain topics which get pretty deep these days trigger me. Not in a bad way, it helps to bring out my most inner feelings which is not an easy task for someone who has not learned how to associate feelings as a result of not being allowed to have them and no abuser wanted to hear how they hurt me either, it just made matters worse. So I learned to keep my mouth shut and I slept alot. Now when som eone asks my opinion or how I feel, I am still shocked. I remember the first time a manager asked my opinion and I looked around to see who she was talking to. It surely couldnt be me and she told me she was asking me no one else was standing there and I started stuttering. She knew some of my past as she had known me since i was a little girl and at this time I was married to an abuser who did not allow me to be a human being. I was his punching bag and hostage. I knew I was and at that point I had accepted this must be the way life is. If it wasnt for my children, suicide would have been my way out. Instead, my drinking progressed and I finally left him getting the courts involved. There is much abuse even before i got marreid and in between now. I havent been physically harmed in many years now. Ive been sober for over 9 years now and have begun this new journey of healing. Its hard to be good to myself. The voices of the past try to keep me down. I know now they arent my voices. My voice has been screaming inside of me for a very long time. It took another PTSD survivor to hear the silent screams. Its nice to be heard.
