Not Talking

[Jane.l]

@ silk - Yes it's in my head but I can't get it out Because as soon as my T touches on anything slightly uncomfortable I totally zone out and just stare at the wall - I try and work out how to get the words out but I just don 't seem able to make it happen - it's like I shut down and I can't control it .

@digger and unraveling And yes sometimes there is too much to say and you can't begin to find a way to start. I know just how that feels.


In fact if it wasn't for email I am pretty sure my T wouldn't know much about whats going on in my head.

Today I am doing Opposite Day - I have decided doing the opposite of what I want to do might be the way forward - so I want to run away and never go back to therapy but what I have done is book in two sessions next week instead of one. I want to drown everything in alcohol - I am going to drink camomile tea .

I need to do this somehow so instead of backing off therapy I am going to step it up - I am going to get through this

 

[Jane.l]

@scout and yes I can talk irrelevant chit chat all day long - anything but the actual issues - I am a master of avoidence - I sometimes wonder how my T doesn't explode with fustration .

 

[digger]

I sometimes wonder how my T doesn't explode with fustration .

Ha yes, mine too. And I can't even do smalltalk. I think she must have the patience of about fifty saints.

 

[silk123]

Mine too. I wish I could bottle up everyone's courage on here and take it with me. At least I have stuck with it and will continue to stick with it for as long as it takes although I frequently just don't show up which is very bad of me so maybe I should have consistently turning up as a goal?? I guess nothing else can come until you achieve that.

 

[scout86]

I sometimes wonder how my T doesn't explode with fustration .

I'm guessing that's because your T knows you'll talk about stuff when you're actually ready to do it, and doing it before that isn't so good. You're making the effort, right? That's what matters.

The past couple of weeks, I've come to believe there is no such thing as "irrelevant chit chat". For nearly a year, that's what I thought was going on, much of the time. I just got an interesting library book called "Reading People", by a well known jury consultant. She begins the book by talking about how you get people to trust you. You do that, she says, by "sharing something about yourself" (among other things). I realized that that is one of the things my T has spent these months doing, knowing full well, I'm sure, that "trust" is an issue and that I'm going to HAVE to trust him to go through with this. The "irrelevant chit chat" has actually been about working to build trust and a working relationship we can use to go forward. I can see that we aren't quite there yet, but I can also see that we've moved in that direction a long way.

I think this is one of the places where the rubber kind of hits the road for a therapeutic relationship. If your therapist doesn't understand that these things take time and aren't easy and that you CAN'T just "talk about it" any more than you can just "get over it", then there's going to be a problem. Having to be patient with the process is part of their job description.

My T has told me several times that he prefers a sail boat to a speed boat because it may not be as fast, but it's a much more interesting trip. He's also said that he wants me to work through things as fast as I can, but no faster. I try to remember those things when I get frustrated with myself or start to worry that he's going to get frustrated and want to give up on me. ('cause I tend to do both!)

 

[Jane.l]

@scout yes I do both too ! I have a really good relationship with my T and have - after a rather bumpy time - got great trust in him - he has been an absolute rock and I had become way too over reliant on him - something we are working on and I struggled with major abandonment issues because I haven 't had this safe trusting relationship before . So I can let him in but we do the bulk of trauma work on email because my dissociation is so bad but now I think because I been struggling a bit lately he only has to say 'what's been going on for you this week ? ' and I am zoned out - gone - can 't speak ,

I like your boats , will keep them in mind ,

Been thinking a lot about why its so hard when I am lucky that I have built up trust and I feel safe with my T - what else do I need ? Obviously traumatic events are going to always be really tough to talk about but the little stuff ? I think a lot of it comes down to feeling bad about talking about it - so ingrained the 'you must never tell' - a big part of me is incredibly paranoid about talking , emailing. writing about it - having it out there - paranoid in a whole host of ways that go back to -there is too much in this to know where to start - and then I realised I feel really guilty and wrong trying to work on this it's meant to be hidden away and unspoken - I have spent my whole life keeping these secrets it's hard to change now and for that to feel ok

 

[scout86]

Jane.I, I think you're exactly right about why this stuff is hard, but I don't think any of it is truly "little".

The other thing is, traumatic memories are supposed to be different from "regular" memories, right? That's why they're traumatic and that's why they're a problem. So that's also why this is hard. Even considering talking about that kind of stuff triggers the "DANGER" circuit in your brain to try to keep you away from it and "safe". One of those things that started out as an attempt, by your brain, to protect you but is no longer useful. That's where all that guilt and fear and paranoia is coming from, I think. Knowing all that doesn't seem to me like it makes it any easier, but, if you can remember it, at least it makes it easier not to beat yourself up over it.

 

[Barconian]

It might be helpful to begin substituting the statement "can't talk" with "I can't yet talk about my traumas" and follow it up with a cognitive challenge such as "but I can talk about other things and I will be able to talk about this someday."

When I am stressed out, sitting in front of a stranger with papers, my mind goes blank and I cannot remember for the life of me what I am suppose to say! When I am only a little nervous, I can recall the words with ease!!! How stressed am I, determines whether remembering how to word a sentence becomes relevant or not. The theory is really good, the practicality is very difficult for many!

 

[BloomInWinter]

It's not easy, for sure. How nice it would have been if we had received comfort and validation in our critical validation years so we would already have the wiring to do this.

I practice this alot during every single day and it's becoming easier to deal with it when triggered. But I'm far from having it be a habit.

 

[Skylynx]

Sometimes it helps to divide yourself into an Inner Kid and your adult self. That way, you can say that your inner kid has a problem, not you. That saves face and can get things started. Just an idea that works for me.

 

[Jane.l]

Hi just to update - I got to a place where I felt I needed a break from therapy. My T being consistently inconsistent eroded my trust in him and was taking me to dark dark places and I just couldn't cope .

Now back to avoiding the best I can and feeling a bit better - though it feels fragile and now I have no one left to turn to if it gets too much but it's still easier than the pain therapy was causing me.

 

[silkleaves]

Im really sorry to hear that @Jane.l ..the thing is that avoidance is such a handy coping tool, its the big one I carry in my pocket, even though I know it does more harm than good (because all the stiff I avoid and hold in just topples out at the worst moment and then wont stop spilling) it sure does feel good in the moment.

When the time is right...that is what I tell myself anyway. At least I know its a problem, and I shoudlnt do it...as opposed to before when I felt it was the right and only thing to do. Now its just a matter of trying again...different frame of mind, different therapist, different stage of life etc...hopefully one of these will make enough difference to be able to start on the right path again.