I really want to post this for anyone else struggling with a dissociative part of themselves - I've noticed lately that @Echo @Hope4Now & @Bedbug have been going through a similar stage to what's been happening for me - and - I want you guys and anyone else with this problem to know that it can resolve!
Ok, so a bit of background. I've had PTSD all my life, but was only diagnosed 6 months ago. My flashbacks and fragments of memories, including memories of sexual acting out and trauma re-enactment play, indicated rape at 3 years old. Six months ago I was triggered massively and my 3 year old came out of hiding. She has pretty much run the show for the last 6 months, I've had trouble recognising myself in the mirror and have been living in some kind of fog this whole time.
My trapped 3 year old part has been intensely emotional and suicidal. She kept giving me more and more fragments, especially after EMDR. It was hard for me to know what she wanted. I'd always kept my memory fragments and suspicions secret, and a flashback in EMDR suggests I was severely threatened by the attacker. So I never told. When I did eventually tell someone (my T) I had terrible flashbacks and panic attacks. I tried telling 2 of my siblings, but got scepticism and only partial belief (believed something was wrong with me, not that I'd been abused). But I finally got up the guts to tell my mother, and instead of ignoring or dismissing me (as she always used to) she listened, and most of those memory fragments were validated. She said she knew something was wrong with me at that age, but had no idea that's what it was. I won't worry about all the details of this, unless any of you want to know.
After this, I was intensely depressed for about a week, and very suicidal. And then, I woke up several days ago, and felt "normal" and "adult" and the fogginess was gone. My T (who has worked a lot with trauma, dissociation and DID) said that she thinks that my 3 year old got what she needed - to tell and be believed and supported. My trauma kind of played out to the natural end I never had at the time. That's what she wanted, and she seems to have gone. My T doubts she'll come back. There are still some residual symptoms, and I do have other traumas (though not like that one), and my T said I might be fine for a while now, but that it's possible I'll have symptoms again in the future. If I do, she said it won't be this particular thing.
I'm 43, and my 3 year old has intermittently been in charge for a long time. She seems to have gone now her needs were met. I wanted to share my story with those of you struggling too, that you might gain some hope that it might one day resolve for you and your parts as well.
Ok, so a bit of background. I've had PTSD all my life, but was only diagnosed 6 months ago. My flashbacks and fragments of memories, including memories of sexual acting out and trauma re-enactment play, indicated rape at 3 years old. Six months ago I was triggered massively and my 3 year old came out of hiding. She has pretty much run the show for the last 6 months, I've had trouble recognising myself in the mirror and have been living in some kind of fog this whole time.
My trapped 3 year old part has been intensely emotional and suicidal. She kept giving me more and more fragments, especially after EMDR. It was hard for me to know what she wanted. I'd always kept my memory fragments and suspicions secret, and a flashback in EMDR suggests I was severely threatened by the attacker. So I never told. When I did eventually tell someone (my T) I had terrible flashbacks and panic attacks. I tried telling 2 of my siblings, but got scepticism and only partial belief (believed something was wrong with me, not that I'd been abused). But I finally got up the guts to tell my mother, and instead of ignoring or dismissing me (as she always used to) she listened, and most of those memory fragments were validated. She said she knew something was wrong with me at that age, but had no idea that's what it was. I won't worry about all the details of this, unless any of you want to know.
After this, I was intensely depressed for about a week, and very suicidal. And then, I woke up several days ago, and felt "normal" and "adult" and the fogginess was gone. My T (who has worked a lot with trauma, dissociation and DID) said that she thinks that my 3 year old got what she needed - to tell and be believed and supported. My trauma kind of played out to the natural end I never had at the time. That's what she wanted, and she seems to have gone. My T doubts she'll come back. There are still some residual symptoms, and I do have other traumas (though not like that one), and my T said I might be fine for a while now, but that it's possible I'll have symptoms again in the future. If I do, she said it won't be this particular thing.
I'm 43, and my 3 year old has intermittently been in charge for a long time. She seems to have gone now her needs were met. I wanted to share my story with those of you struggling too, that you might gain some hope that it might one day resolve for you and your parts as well.
