How Do I Know?

[TimeToHeal]

Hi all....
This may sound kind of strange but I figured if anyone would *get* it, it would be you guys.

One of my biggest symptoms with PTSD is being numb, or emotionless, feeling nothing. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I recently started EMDR. My first session left me exhausted and I went into a pretty bad depression for about 4 days.... like, I the bed depressed. My second EMDR session didn't seem to have much of an effect on me, as I was able to continue functioning as I had been. That was 3 days ago.

What's bothering me is I'm not sure if I'm really feeling ok or better, or whether I'm doing my usual "numbing out." I don't know how to tell the difference!

I'm discovering that I've NEVER known "normal," and my sense of self and perception of the world in general were built on falsehoods, so I don't think I've EVER felt/been ok, or happy, or whatever. I don't know how I'm supposed to know if/when I am "better," or having "normal" emotional responses. Does that make sense at all, to anyone?!

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Yes it makes sense. For me I'm not having moments where suddenly I can see a difference. It's more like after a period of time and trying over and over again with different tools and ironically the really hard days that I'm able to sit back and notice that something was different. Either what I thought or how I thought it or how I felt during or after a difficult moment.

I've found that it's a slow process that takes as long as it takes. I've gone forward and then backward. I've stopped altogether and went numb. I've done this because it's how my psyche tells me it can cope and deal.

It sounds like your "normal" like mine isn't what society considers "normal". I think you might be going through a period of "ok so what is normal now?". And honestly I think you create your new normal a little bit everyday. Try to be patient with yourself. I say try because it's not always easy to be patient. Especially with yourself.

But you're doing some really hard work. And it's not necessarily about how fast you get through things. It probably won't always feel the same or make sense. But something inside is shifting. And sometimes you might feel numb and other times you might not. It's just part of the process.

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

My therapist said if I am "ok" or "mostly ok" between appointments, that means the pace is good. If you decline, that means therapy has to slow down because it is stirring things up too suddenly. If you are oscillating or numb but overall not too bad, you are probably making progress. Maybe consider the "average" after some time goes by? Or compare yourself to a time you remember in the past to get an idea on whether you might be improving? Maybe when the good days start to outnumber the bad days? I wonder myself, sometimes I think I am doing better just for lack of depressoin/anxiety and then once in a rare while, I feel really alive and motivated and when it goes away, I realize how numb I have been. But I agree with Blackbird, don't put too much thought into "normal" because that doesn't apply to us.

 

[Seasounds]

BlackbirdSinging, captured important points so well, that I would just add the following:

• I think our unconscious sometimes creates protections with a system, once it has had exposure to it-like your first EMDR session compared to the second. I'm not saying this is the case, but it can always be a possibility.
• If it did, it may not be a bad thing. As EMDR is helpful to so many, it does take away the veil we have to traumas, and the process-of how much or how little it does this, can't be controlled by the therapist nor with the machine. So if our unconscious is feeling the need to protect us, it will. (Contrarily, one reason EMDR is good is that it can bypass unconscious protective functions.)
• One reason you may be feeling numb is that EMDR can make it unsafe to feel-because of what comes up. Also, it may be a sign of flight, Freeze, and fight.
• EMDR needs to be balanced with a strong relational, emotionally attuned, therapeutic relationship, to help clients a space to process, feel, and associate, and re-organize after the EMDR intentionally stirs things up.
• I bet it may eventually become clear to you, what is helping. You'll sense it, or notice it.

 

[TimeToHeal]

Thank you guys. It just sort of suddenly hit me -- if I've never known "normal," how will I ever know if I get there. It's all so confusing sometimes. So many thoughts, sometimes TOO many. Then sometimes I can't grab onto WHAT I'm actually thinking because there is too much going on up there at once.

I'm starting to ramble now, but thank you guys for your responses -- I knew you would understand!

 

[krimson]

This make so much sense to me. I did EMDR for a short time a while ago and unfortunately was not strong enough to continue on, I was not ready. I commend you for making the effort. I remember well that my first session ended in me trying to hold in a panic attack amongst all my tears while using public transit, that was awesome. But they got a bit easier each time. I do feel however after discovering what my issue has been all these years I can definitely agree with you on never feeling "normal". I always felt different than everybody else in the way i perceived actions of others, if some stranger spoke to me it was always because they had a sinister reason, I can never just accept that maybe someone is just saying hello. Makes me wonder how many opportunities I have missed because of all this.

 

[greenleaf]

I've read a few places online that EMDR is very helpful for people whose traumas happened to them as adults, but a lot of people traumatized as children who used dissociation to cope have trouble with it.

I'm not sure if people should feel they're "not strong enough" for something, if it's just not the right therapy for them! If something is damaging to you, can it even be called a "therapy"? I'm clearly not an expert here -- there are other threads here talking about EMDR and the tendency of some agencies to use it as it supposedly works faster.
Here is a website that talks about the group that might benefit the most from EMDR - it's not everyone...

Dead Link Removed

 

[TimeToHeal]

Thank you, @greenleaf, I will be checking out that website!

 

[Barconian]

What's bothering me is I'm not sure if I'm really feeling ok or better, or whether I'm doing my usual "numbing out." I don't know how to tell the difference!

You will know :)

 

[Barconian]

Well!!! I know I shouldn't antagonize the leadership. but!! You talk shit Cherry Blossum Sometimes posts are very short and it is hard to Quote part of what they say on this forum!

 

[cherryblossom]

Sometimes posts are very short and it is hard to Quote part of what they say on this forum!

The quote wasn't short, it was a whole post that was 4 paragraphs long. If you want to discuss receiving a notification, then please direct your query to the help desk, rather than take a thread off topic, as you have done above.

 

[anthony]

You talk shit Cherry Blossum Sometimes posts are very short and it is hard to Quote part of what they say on this forum!

Actually, you talk shit Barconian, see below snapshot of history which was edited showing a full quote you did, when you could have just complied to the rules and referred to the user by name directly, as you were responding to them, and nothing specific from their post.

Attack staff again for you own stupidity, and your account is out of here. I have zero tolerance for people taking their shit out on staff, who are just doing their role here. Man up and take responsibility for your own actions.