Has A Supporter Ever Regained Your Trust Once You'd Decided It Was Gone?

[Tinyflame]

I never thought of that @Al_Lurker , doors and locks and sides and keys. True with 'trust' , however.

I guess I have trouble with self-validity, so making a choice to say "I see or think what I do" felt like progress. Not if it's arse-backwards a perception though, I guess. It's all quite confusing. I don't necessarily say or think your ex has the same issues. Mind you, trust of others and one's self is quite difficult and takes exposure and practise and risk for many of us. I don't think anyone is beneath me ever though. I think I'm all-triggered? Perhaps your ex was all-triggered too. (Immensely triggered I guess is a better way to put it).

 

[Al_Lurker]

Sometimes a small bit of thought can lead to a lot less confusion... and less confusion leads to less risk.

 

[Tinyflame]

And less confusion and less risk leads to less anxiety, right? :tup:

I do realize that I think too much, and worry too much. Because the rare times I can relax I do neither.

Perhaps @Al_Lurker that is what will help your ex as well. :hug:

 

[Al_Lurker]

I have no idea what will help her @Junebug. She's made her choice to live her life as she has. My prayer is that she and the children are happy and will be healthy. Prayer is all that I have left of her other than memories. Her eldest has admitted that he's 'depressed' and will seek the help if a friend who is "studying to be a psychiatrist". I also pray that he finds his way and learns what it is to be happy even though he may carry scars from his upbringing.

My grandmother used to tell me that worrying was like a rocking chair - you can go like hell at it but you'll never get anywhere.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think @Al_Lurker it's different if the risk of damage or poor choice (even to trust) could potentially harm only one's self. A child- then no way could (I) risk it.

I get it with worry. If only it were so easy. Sometimes maybe that's why decisions are black or white, if nothing there's a 'guarantee'. No more thought about it.

:hug:

 

[Al_Lurker]

...I get it with worry. If only it were so easy. Sometimes maybe that's why decisions are black or white, if nothing there's a 'guarantee'. No more thought about it. :hug:

Sometimes one's first reaction to a 'risk' may appear to be the best one for yourself and those in your care. But when further considered they may not be. If you choose black and ignore white with no thought of great then have you really made the best decision? It isn't easy to think it through but making the best decision for all usually requires more than the easy route. Hence this thread, and the called response to it. ;) each of us works a little differently when it comes to taking the path of last resistance through life.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh yes @Al_Lurker , I agree that it is not likely the best decision, therefore not the ideal one.

Funny you should say it, I know you meant (I think!) the path of 'least' resistance but 'last' is usually the non-black-and-white or (true) 'safest' one. In actuality, the black-and-white and fear ones are the most damaging ones long-term though, not 'safe' at all, judging by repercussions and effects. :(

:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

@Al_Lurker , I've come to some understanding, for the words I could not find.

In response to your question, I would say yes, it is possible, if one does what you did, to broach the subject. That allows both parties to take responsibility for themselves. As she should as well, as expectations are unrealistic. And you said you were sorry, and did not intend to trigger her.

I would say probably no- as regards trust, if the subject was not breached. That was what I have meant all along; it has zero to do with forgiveness, or sentiment, or acknowledging our shared 'human-ness' (humanity) . I always come full-circle to blaming myself for an expectation, so it does not involve not cutting others slack. And all interactions or attempts at such carry the load or weight of each person's pressures and burdens. So it usually requires forgiveness and understanding, and self-forgiveness too. But when nothing is addressed or said, depending on the gravity, trust goes down the drain. Or it's like a chip, if it is small. But many chips can make a crack.

No one is a mind-reader, not 'sufferers', either. Mind-reading usually comes, or rather has had to be common (by necessity) from abusive circumstances, (if nothing else to 'predict' and safe-guard one's self). That makes for a bad (at the very least uncomfortable) cognitive connection. But then again it's not necessarily important enough to address. But yes, I would say 'trust' (or the feeling of trust being advisable or even prudent) is what suffers, even if the rest remains intact.

I hope that (now) makes some sense. Solely my opinion/ experience, with my own baggage and all. :rolleyes: :) Thank you very much for this thread. Thank you for helping me find 'words'. :hug:

 

[Al_Lurker]

....I hope that (now) makes some sense. Solely my opinion/ experience, with my own baggage and all. :rolleyes: :) Thank you very much for this thread. Thank you for helping me find 'words'. :hug:

Thank you and all the others who have replied. It makes a lot more sense to me now than when I started the thread. I don't have hope that my ex can regain her trust in me (too much distance and too easy to stay isolated) but I am encouraged that many of you have or will someday be able to do so for your supporters or a supporter won't turn into an ex supporter after reading this. If it helps even one sufferer to understand what it takes to keep trusting one who is worthy of that trust in your life instead of rejecting that person then it's been worth every word 'spoken' here.

 

[Tinyflame]

Even trying to understand and manage the ptsd symptoms and reactions is difficult. It's hard to seperate them, know when they are influencing me, or do they always, or what? About the only time I can say for certain they are not is when I am happy/ at peace. It makes me feel ashamed personally. :( Perhaps your girlfriend @Al_Lurker is struggling with that too.

It's hard to get off the rollercoaster if you can't make the rollercoaster stop. :(

 

[Echo]

If it helps even one sufferer to understand what it takes to keep trusting one who is worthy of that trust in your life instead of rejecting that person then it's been worth every word 'spoken' here

Oh, @Al_Lurker - when you have been abused for much of your life, you end up not trusting yourself to judge people. You will either swing too far towards trusting them, and get very hurt when the same old thing appears to happen again, or you will find yourself deciding (probably from your gut or physically) that it isn't wise to trust certain people (depends on the abuser profile who that might be). It will take years of therapy, probably, to get this straight in your head. If you try, and/or you fall in love and offer someone your vulnerability, and then that person lets you down maybe just once, it reinscribes your abuse pattern and the neural networks of abuse and reaction in your brain (with all the physical responses to that). If you then add PTSD on top of that, you get cascading somatic responses and terrifying emotional patterns all firing at the same time.

It really isn't as simple as deciding from one day to the next, that you should just forget all that and jolly well trust someone because you would prefer to do so. This is the legacy of the abuser. God knows it would be nice just to switch a switch and put it all in the past and start again with no baggage.

 

[Tinyflame]

That is so true @Echo . I was just thinking I wish I could be invisible and hear abusers argue with the people who have treated me the opposite. To hear why or how the arguments or conclusions could (or couldn't) be challenged. :confused:

It seems impossible to over-ride it, so much others don't know.

Hugs and thanks. :hug: