Finally Got A Call From The Mental Health Team.

[Wyakin]

Two weeks after seeing my doctor for the first time I finally received a call from the MH team. They asked a bunch of questions that just pushed me to the edge then said they were referring me to the trauma service and I should expect a letter in the next few weeks. That was that, done.

I am so glad I was at my friends house and not on my own because they asked some very probing questions and then just left me. I have been having trouble with self harm to keep myself grounded and if I hadn't been with a friend I would probably have resorted to it which I don't want to do.

Today though I am so on edge I can't switch myself off. I have a meeting tomorrow with the CEO of the charity, apparently it's just an informal chat but I can't stop worrying about it. I mean what kind of informal chat drags the chief exec an hour and a half's drive on a bank holiday Friday just to see one staff member. They have been so supportive but I am so scared I will just zone out during it. An hour after being told on Tuesday that she was coming down to see me on Friday I had gotten myself so wound up it's like my brain switched off. Apparently I was just staring in to space and it wasn't until my friend touched me that they got any reaction at which point I panicked and started to hyper ventilate. She calmed me down by repeatedly asking me to tell her what I was touching and sitting on. I then burst in to tears. I don't remember any of it, only finding myself crying on her being watched by two others.

I feel like I am falling apart. I am still managing to work but I am not sure if trying to pretend I am fine all day means I bottle it all up for when I get home or what. I can't keep going like this much longer.

 

[Echo]

Hi @Wyakin - yes, my appointment with Mental Health did that for me, too. Totally retraumatising, and they seemed to have no idea or make any allowances for it.

With this meeting tomorrow, would it be possible to have your friend with you, even in the next room. Dissociation is a really difficult thing to handle without someone there who understands to help get you grounded. Have they told you what the chat is going to be about?

 

[Wyakin]

@Echo I was totally shocked they didn't ask if I was in a safe place or anything just started asking loads of questions. I am sorry they did it to you to.

My manager is going to be in the meeting with me. She was told she didn't need to be but she said she would be there if I preferred it which I do. They haven't said what it is about, they have offered to pay for private care to get me help quicker so it might be to discuss that but I feel it's almost like she's coming down to see just how bad I am. The thing is she won't see the real me, I'll either successfully fake my way through it or I will just shut down.

 

[Echo]

That's the problem isn't it? I do the same, I tend to go into my professional, coping mode and they think there is nothing wrong with me, so what's all the fuss? My therapist says I can't help it, but it tends to make me my own worst enemy in terms of getting help.

I'm glad your charity is trying to help you, particularly if your trauma relates to something that happened when you were working for them. It is the least they can do.

Hope it all goes well for you.

 

[Echo]

I had my worst experience being interviewed by Mental Health. It felt like I disintegrated totally. I had to drive afterwards, luckily to see my therapist, but I had to keep stopping the car, because I lost all sense of where I was and what I was doing, and I had to keep vomiting. Luckily in the end, they decided that any therapeutic avenue they could offer me was going to be too brutal. A year later, I'm still waiting to hear if they will pay for appropriate therapy (sensorimotor therapy and EMDR, eventually) from a body outside the NHS. Don't hold your breath. Meanwhile (don't tell them), out of desperation I am seeing a trauma therapist privately, although it is nearly killing me financially to do so, since I am really struggling to work. Unfortunately, I am freelance, so I don't have the back-up from an employer. I hope they find you something really good.

 

[Wyakin]

I have a very good 'I am at work thus I am completely fine' face. I know exactly how you feel about getting help, I find it hard to say that I am really not coping when 5 minutes before I was having a perfectly good conversation with someone. How do I admit that while I am fine on the outside my inside is just not coping?!?

Everything that has happened to me happened before this job but they are still being fantastic. I am incredibly lucky.

The woman on the phone did her best to be understanding but to be honest it didn't help. I don't need to be told how awful it is that I have been through bad things and I certainly could have done without having to verbalise what happened to me especially considering I have neither spoken nor written that in 6 years.

It's awful that they have messed you around so much. A year is a very long time. I am glad you are seeing someone though even if it is costing you an arm and a leg. I hope things improve for you soon.

 

[Sandstone]

I certainly could have done without having to verbalise what happened to me especially considering I have neither spoken nor written that in 6 years.

Oh how I feel for you. To have that dragged out and then left hanging is horrific. I've had some bad times from the NHS, but at least each new person I've seen this last 12 months has recognised how harmful that can be. How are you going now?

 

[Wyakin]

Thank you @stenni I am really struggling. I can feel my heart beating in my chest and still can't seem to calm down. I am getting urges to hurt myself but I am not doing. I just took my dogs for a walk to try to relax but it hasn't really helped much.

How are you? You have had a bad couple of weeks haven't you?

 

[Echo]

@Wyakin, I know what you mean about the conflict between appearances and what is going on inside. I've tended to talk and explain with my 'professional' hat on, and then fall to pieces, shake violently, and massively dissociate afterwards. People see this ability to talk and be articulate about the condition as being resourceful, though I know it is a truly distancing thing. I'm not really connecting to it, when I do that. Though I am aware that it retraumatises me. So maybe find some brief, powerful words, so they 'get' it, but don't go on at too much length. Easier to say than to do, I know. I felt like I was fighting for provision and to be heard when I did it, so I suppose that was my motivation. It felt like I had no choice. I do hope you won't need to do much explaining and that your employers will have done their research, so you don't have to start reinventing the wheel.

Whatever happens, I hope you get a good trauma therapist out of it. Do you yourself know what you are looking for from them? I guess that would help the meeting - having some idea of the best therapeutic path for your particular traumas. I knew, for instance, that talk therapy makes me much worse, whereas some kind of body work to help release the appalling somatic energies that were/are crucifying me was what I needed. I found it helped direct the conversation just being able to voice that.

Hope it all goes very well. Remember they are wanting to help you, even though they may not yet know how best to do that. It is so tempting to feel like they won't believe you, or will find you out to be faking, or any of those childhood thoughts that undermine us. But I'm sure that is not what is on their mind. I hope they make things very easy for you.

 

[Wyakin]

@Wyakin, I've tended to talk and explain with my 'professional' hat on, and then fall to pieces, shake violently, and massively dissociate afterwards.

@Echo This is exactly what I do after I get out of a situation! I cope in the moment but afterwards I need to find space to calm down. Sometimes I just need go and do a task by myself for a while but sometimes I have to go home. Luckily I have a fit note that states this and the charity are giving me full pay whether I am in or not. Actually having the option to go home or get space when I need to has really helped.

I have no idea what will help me, I have never been here before. I have had several traumas in my life including one an assault and one worse, I still cannot write the word. I know my manager has researched ptsd because it was her that suggested I might have it followed shortly by my doctor confirming it. I do not know about the CEO, I have no idea what her knowledge of these things is. I hope I do not have to do too much explaining. Just a brief reason for the visit would be enough to set my mind at rest, I guess I'll find out tomorrow anyway.